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  2. uk666

    Rush Job Calendar

    Rush Job Calendar M I R F R I F R I F R I T H U W E D T U E 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 22 21 20 19 18 17 16 29 28 27 26 25 24 23 36 35 34 33 32 31 30 A humorous business solution to the pressures of our instant world! Notes: This is a special calendar which has been developed for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are wanted yesterday, consequently all dates run backwards - with this calendar, a client can order their work on the 7th and have it delivered on the 3rd. Everyone wants his job on Friday, so there are three Fridays in every week. There are eight new days at the end of the month for those end-of-the-month jobs. There is no first of the month – so there can’t be late delivery of end-of-the-month jobs on the 1st. A “Blue Monday” or “Monday morning hangover” can’t happen, as all Mondays have been eliminated. There are no bothersome non-productive Saturdays and Sundays. so overtime rates can be kept to a minimum. With no 15th, 30, or 31st, no “time-off” is necessary for cashing salary cheques or paying bills. “MIR DAY” – A special day each week for performing miracles.
  3. Three Astronauts Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. One was American, one was Russian and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each. The American decided to take along his wife. The Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German. The Russian decided to take along cigarettes. Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. First came the American and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause. Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked: "Has anyone got a f*** match?"
  4. uk666

    Interdict

    Interdict I got out of my time machine in the Middle Ages. Everyone was just walking around downcast with gloomy faces and not saying a word. I finally asked someone, "What's going on?" And he replied, "Oh, King John is feuding with the Church, so the entire country has been placed under the Interdict.... no church services, no celebrations, no socializing, no sports..." "hell," I replied: "We also have it, but it is 800 years in the future... We're going through the exact same thing right now as the establishment wants to punish us for voting for Trump, Boris, and Brexit."
  5. What size wood was used to build the Ark……2 by 2.
  6. I know they say that money talk……But all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
  7. My cat just asked me, if I want the radio leaving on while he goes out.
  8. 2019: work hard at school or you'll end up packing shelves for a living……2020: most secure job in the country, packing shelves.
  9. What do you get when you cross a karate expert with a pig……A porkchop.
  10. Yesterday
  11. Cats seem to grasp the laws of physics Cats have their own rules of physics. Here are some of them: Newton's First Law of Cat Inertia A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of a can or the sight of a prey. Newton's First Law of Cat Motion A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. Newton's Law of Feline Acceleration A cat continues to accelerate at a constant speed until he needs to stop. Newton's First Law of Pill Rejection Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. Newton's Second Law of Pill Rejection Any cat restrained for the purposes of administering a pill has the potential to reach escape velocity. Newton's Law of Concentration of Mass A cat's mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies. Newton's Law of Feline Gravity Manipulation Cats have the ability manipulate gravity, forming localised areas of strong gravitational attraction. This gives the impression of a cat growing heavier as it occupies a lap or bed. This is a linear effect with gravity increasing at a steady rate over time. First Law of Energy Conservation (Feline Thermodynamics Law 1) Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will therefore use as little energy as possible. Second Law of Energy Conservation (Feline Thermodynamics Law 2) Cats know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. Third Law of Energy Conservation (Feline Thermodynamics Law 3) If the rate of energy uptake exceeds the maximum rate of energy storage, the difference will be emitted in the form of purring. Boyle's Law of Cat Thermodynamics Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. Kirk's Law of Cat Magnetism Dark coloured clothing attracts light coloured cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. The converse is also true. Fanner's First Law of Cat Stretching (Nap-Associated Stretching) A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. Fanner's Second Law of Cat Stretching (Non-Nap-Associated Stretching) The length of the stretch is directly proportional to temperature. Nose in tail (unstretched) is 'cold' while fully stretched is 'hot'. There are infinite gradations on this stretch/temperature scale. Young's Law of Cat Sleeping All cats must sleep with people whenever possible. Kent's Corollary Young's Law of Cat Sleeping The cat must select a position which causes maximum discomfort to people involved. Holmes' Law of Vertical Feline Elongation A cat can make its body long enough to reach the top of any surface which has anything remotely interesting on it. Burt's Corollary to Holmes' Law of Vertical Feline Elongation The cat can exceed its normal elongation if the item of interest is edible. Burt's Law of Dinner Table Attendance Cats will attend all family meals when anything good is served. Burt's Law of Selective Listening A cat can hear a can of tuna being opened (or the word 'vet') a mile away, but can't hear a simple command three feet away. Euler's Law of Rug Configuration When a cat is present, no rug may remain in its naturally flat state for long. Ohm's Law of Obedience Resistance A cat's resistance varies in inverse proportion to a humans desire for her to do something. Henry's Law of Refrigerator Observation If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. Revised Henry's Law of Kitchen Appliance Observation If a cat watches a refrigerator, a stove, a kitchen cupboard or a microwave oven long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. Partington's Addition to Revised Henry's Laws of Kitchen Appliance Observation If a cat stands directly behind a human in the kitchen, its tail will be trodden on; the human will then offer the cat something good to eat by way of apology. Einstein's Law of Electric Blanket Attraction Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light. Einstein's Law of Space-Time Continuum as Applicable to Felines Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space. Einstein's Law of Cat Composition A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter. Cheung's Law of Random Comfort Seeking A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room. Colling's Law of Cat Disinterest A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. Collings' Law of Cat Embarrassment A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to its embarrassment multiplied by the amount of human laughter. (Amount of human laughter = volume x duration2) Collings' Law of Feline Vomiting The frequency that a cat vomits on a given surface is directly proportional to the difficulty of cleaning the given surface and also proportional the likelihood of the given surface to acquire permanent stains. Cheung's Modification to Collings' Law of Feline Vomiting The frequency that a cat vomits, pees or has diarrhoea on a given surface is directly proportional to the difficulty of cleaning the given surface and also proportional the likelihood of the given surface to acquire permanent stains and odours. Cheung's Law of Furniture Replacement A cats desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. Cheung's Law of Cat Landing A cat will always land in the softest place possible. Cheung's Second Law of Cat Landing A cat will always land on its feet unless you are unpacking groceries, in which case it will land on your feet. Schrodinger's Law of Cat Invisibility Cats think that if they can't see you, then you can't see them. Schrodinger's Accidentally Discovered Law of Object Occupancy All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. Heisenberg's Law of Cat Probability (Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle as Applied to Cats) It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the probability of where it "might" be. As soon as you know where it is, it will move. Pythagoras' Theorem of Feline Equidistant Separation All cats in a given room will be located at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the centre of the room. The time taken to achieve equidistant spacing is proportional to the number of cats present. Pratchett's Rule of Cat Chess Where multiple cats are present in a large finite space, each cat must attempt to see at least two other cats but remain hidden from view itself. Protagoras' Rule of Cat Obedience As a rule, cats aren't obedient. Aristotle's Law of Fluid Displacement A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed. Law of Milk Consumption (Feline Capacitance) A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can. After a suitable delay, It will then exercise Cheung's Modification to Collings' Law of Feline Vomiting.
  12. Why does a dog wag its tail……Because there’s no one else to wag it for him.
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