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  3. What do sea monsters eat for lunch……Fish and ships.
  4. How does Salvador Dali start his mornings……With a bowl of surreal.
  5. What happened when the monster ate the electric company……He was in shock for a week.
  6. What did Michelangelo say to the ceiling……I got you covered.
  7. Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes……No one can eat just one potato ship.
  8. uk666

    Golf Betting

    Golf Betting A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and donate. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
  9. uk666

    Big Tales

    Big Tales A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each." Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress, "Five dollars each for lobster tails. Is that correct?" "Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today." "Well," he said, "They must be little lobster tails." "No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster." "Big red lobster tails, $5 each"? he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster tails!" "No, they're definitely todays." "Today's big red lobster tails, $5 each?" he repeated, astounded. "Yes," she insisted. "Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one." She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said: "Once upon a time, there was a really big, red lobster..."
  10. Last week
  11. 5 Tips to Prepare Your Android Phone for Emergencies With everything your phone can do, have you ever thought about how you could use it in an emergency? From finding your way home to getting medical help, it’s wise to set up your device so it’s better prepared for emergencies. Here are vital tips and apps you can use to prepare your Android phone for urgent situations. 1. Enable Lockdown Mode One of the new features of Android Pie that Google added is a handy security feature called Lockdown. With it, you can instantly switch off a few settings that could make your personal data vulnerable to unauthorized access. When enabled, the Lockdown mode disables fingerprint authentication. This prevents intruders or law enforcement officials from forcing you to unlock your phone, plus hides notifications on the lock screen. In addition, it turns off Smart Lock, a convenience feature which unlocks your phone when in the vicinity of another configured device or location. The only way to bring your phone out of Lockdown is to manually enter your password or PIN. However, the tool is not turned by default, so you need to activate it. To do that, go to Settings, scroll down till you find Security & location, and there, tap Lock Screen Preferences. Enable Show lockdown option and you’re set. You’ll find the option to put your phone in Lockdown mode on the same menu that lets you turn it off; just press and hold the power button. While placing your phone in lockdown won’t ensure your data is entirely secure, it’s a quick way to establish a wall against anyone who may attempt to access your phone through coercion. 2. Update Your Emergency Information To let paramedics (or other people) know your emergency information and contacts, Android comes with a native utility that places those details on the lock screen. Of course, you need to first add the necessary data into it. 3. Enable Emergency Alerts Whenever there’s a potential new threat in your area, Android can send you government-distributed public broadcasts. Though generally your phone is set to receive them by default, you should make sure of it. You’ll find this option under Settings/Apps & Notifications/Advanced/Emergency Alerts. Here, you can pick which types of alerts you’d like to stay updated about and choose if you want your phone to vibrate for them. Plus, Android can automatically raise the volume when there’s a new broadcast and dictate the message using text-to-speech. These settings are optional, but we would recommend keeping them switched on if you don’t want to miss anything. 4. Use the Built-In SOS Shortcut In some regions and on some devices, Android has an SOS shortcut. When you trigger it, your phone automatically transmits a distress signal and your location to local emergency services. In case your phone’s mobile data or location isn’t turned on, tapping the SOS shortcut will force them to enable. This method will differ depending on where you live and your phone. On my Pixel 3 with stock Android in India, for instance, the option is present in the long-press power menu. But this isn’t the case for a Pixel 3 in the US. Samsung phones have a more advanced solution. It informs your emergency contacts with your location, an audio recording, and even pictures. Find it under Settings Advanced features Send SOS messages. 5. Try the Medical ID App If you feel Android’s native emergency information feature is too limited and not easily visible on your lock screen, try a third-party app called Medical ID. Medical ID leaves your health data right on the lock screen as a persistent notification. You can also add much more data on it, like your height, weight, birth date, and more. On top of that, long-pressing the Medical ID notification allows you to instantly call emergency services.
  12. uk666

    Live In Maid

    Live In Maid A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quite. "But why?" asked the disappointed wife. She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant." The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay." She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well. After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual. In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time." "Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house. "No," she said, "I just can't handle all these damned kids."
  13. Shopper And The fisherman The wife came in after many hours strolling the Departments Stores. The wife said honey, ''I'm tired. I have been shopping all day and my feet are sore.'' The husband asks what did you buy? The wife quickly responded, ''not a lot, I have picked out certain items that I will be watching for the prices to come down during the seasonal sales which are to come.'' The smart-alec husband said: ''Well, how to you go and visit department store after department store and come home with nothing to show for it but sore aching feet, and with a straight face call yourself a shopper?'' The wife said, what’s the difference: ''I suppose the same way you take the boat and go fishing all day, and usually come home with nothing to show for your effort but a sun burn and a sore rear from sitting in the boat all day, and not enough fish to feed the cat, and you call yourself a fisherman!!''
  14. aabee

    Nord vpn was hacked

    I think that total anonymity goes by hacked computers.So if you are not hacker then you will not be secured.And even this option does not secure anything, it just puts your sins to other person.
  15. uk666

    Cornish Farmer

    Cornish Farmer Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy. "Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16-hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week, and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife." "That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, "the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Penberthy.
  16. How To Call The Police An elderly man was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. He opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" He said, "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me!" Then the police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again, "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to the man, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" He replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available?"
  17. Tech 425

    Dejavu

    Hello xwmario, Welcome to CyberPhoenix I hope you enjoy your stay and come back often Please follow CyberPhoenix Rules and if you don't see something you want then use Search We also have a Request Section if you can't find something you want Become a CyberPhoenix VIP for Premium Accounts and alot more Administrator
  18. xwmario

    Dejavu

    WoW, So i get this dejavu when i see the familiar avatars and names on this site. I joined in the year 2009, Probably the oldest member around here As cyber-phoenix was growing with xtremew if i remember correctly. Hey its Mario here, Owner of XtremeW. (RIP) I see a lot of familiar names/profiles here. How is it been going for u guys these days?
  19. Well I'm going to get the new ShieldTV 2019 and turn on the Plex Server
  20. Did you hear about the artist who paints in jail……He had a brush with the law.
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