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  1. Yesterday
  2. Rules to improve your writing Avoid alliteration always. Never use a lengthy word when a diminutive one will do. Employ the vernacular. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. Contractions aren't necessary. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. One should never generalize. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." Comparisons are as bad as clichés. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. Be more or less specific. Understatement is always absolutely best. One-word sentences? Eliminate. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. The passive voice is to be avoided. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. Who needs rhetorical questions? Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. Don't never use a double negative. capitalize every sentence and remember, always end it with a period Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to agree with its subject. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with). Don't overuse exclamation marks!!! Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of ten or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid clichés like the plague; they're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
  3. uk666

    Interrupted!

    Interrupted! A young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm. "Heavens," she cried, "it's my husband! Quick, jump out the window." The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then demurred. "I can't," he said, "we're on the thirteenth floor." "For heaven's sake," cried the young lady in exasperation, "is this a time to be superstitious?"
  4. A Cowboy Appeared…... A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face. Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'" St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" "Couple a minutes ago ... " (The gang of bikers don’t back off and kick the crap out of the cowboy)
  5. Last week
  6. You know it's going to be a bad day when . . . Your twin sister forgets your birthday. You wake up face down on the pavement. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. You see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any. You turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city. The woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife. You wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you don't have a water bed. Your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. You get a rejection notice from the HUMOR List-Server saying that you're no longer funny. Your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news...". You open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: "WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!". Your ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that you'd better get the Test. You wake up at work naked in front of your co-workers. Then someone accuses you of faking humour. Your lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the movers are here to move me.". You have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up. You need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned chocolate!.
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