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Politician dies and goes to Heaven While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we will do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell, waves while the elevator rises...The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there is just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil looks at him, smiles and says, Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted........

Psychiatric Hotline Hello and welcome to the Psychiatric hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive # Please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent # Please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities # Please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are schizophrenic # Listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive # It doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are paranoid # We know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.

27 Funny Things My Mother Taught Me 1. WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 2. TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 3. RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 4. TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 5. SOLVE PHYSICS PROBLEMS: “If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, THEN would you listen?” 6. LOGIC. “Because I said so, that's why." 7. MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 8. FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 9. IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about." 10. OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 11. CONTORTIONIST. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 12. STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 13. WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 14. HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 15. CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 16. BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 17. ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 18. ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 19. RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" 20. MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 21. ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 22. HUMOUR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 23. HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 24. GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 25. ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 26. WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 27. JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

Wow I Past this test with flying colors

These 30 Wonderful Brotherhood Quotes Will Make You Smile and Reflect There’s nothing like the bond between brothers. And ‘brothers’ doesn’t only refer to people born to the same parents. A brother is anyone you can depend on, who you will do anything for. Brotherhood as a larger concept entails uniting all of humanity. It is about finding it in your heart to truly care about your fellow human beings and build them up, while allowing them to lift you up too when you need it. Enjoy these brotherhood quotes that will inspire you, make you smile and cause you to pose and reflect. 1. I am smiling because you are my brother. I am laughing because there is nothing you can do about it! – Unknown 2. Brothers don’t necessarily have to say anything to each other — they can sit in a room and be together and just be completely comfortable with each other. – Leonardo DiCaprio 3. To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time. – Clara Ortega 4. I don’t believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at. – Maya Angelou 5. Brotherhood is the very price and condition of man’s survival. – Carlos P. Romulo 6. You cannot see brotherhood; neither can you hear it nor taste it. But you can feel it a hundred times a day. It is the pat on the back when things look gloomy. It is the smile of encouragement when the way seems hard. It is the helping hand when the burden becomes unbearable. – Peter E. Terzick 7. I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit together at the table of brotherhood. – Martin Luther King, Jr. 8. I look to a time when brotherhood needs no publicity; to a time when a brotherhood award would be as ridiculous as an award for getting up each morning. – Daniel D. Mich 9. We cannot possibly let ourselves get frozen into regarding everyone we do not know as an absolute stranger. – Albert Schweitzer 10. On this shrunken globe, men can no longer live as strangers. – Adlai Stevenson 11. The world is now too small for anything but brotherhood. – Arthur Powell Davies 12. As life in general constituted much pain in the form of struggles against poverty, disease, ignorance, and emotional anguish, what more civilized way for people to alleviate the same than by giving themselves to one another as brothers and sisters in deed, as well as in word? – Aberjhani 13. Of a truth, men are mystically united: a mystic bond of brotherhood makes all men one. – Thomas Carlyle 14. You may call for peace as loudly as you wish, but where there is no brotherhood there can in the end be no peace. – Max Lerner 15. You cannot contribute anything to the ideal condition of mind and heart known as Brotherhood, however much you preach, posture, or agree, unless you live it. – Faith Baldwin 16. He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother. – The Hollies 17. He is my most beloved friend and my bitterest rival, my confidant and my betrayer, my sustainer and my dependent, and scariest of all, my equal. – Gregg Levoy. 18. I sought my soul, but my soul I could not see. I sought my God, but my God eluded me. I sought my brother and I found all three. – Unknown. 19. Being brother and sister means being there for each other. – Unknown. 20. Because brothers don’t let each other wander in the dark alone. – Jolene Perry 21. Above all things let us never forget that mankind constitutes one great brotherhood; all born to encounter suffering and sorrow, and therefore bound to sympathize with each other. – Albert Pike 22. Remember upon the conduct of each depends the fate of all. – Alexander the Great 23. In union there is strength. – Aesop 24. Cooperation is the thorough conviction that nobody can get there unless everybody gets there. – Virginia Burden 25. So powerful is the light of unity that it can illuminate the whole earth. – Baha’u’llah 26. In all things that are purely social we can be as separate as the fingers, yet one as the hand in all things essential to mutual progress. – Booker T. Washington 27. The crest and crowning of all good, life’s final star, is Brotherhood.– Edwin Markham 28. If you really believe in the brotherhood of man, and you want to come into its fold, you’ve got to let everyone else in, too. – Oscar Hammerstein II 29. We’re all just walking each other home. – Ram Dass 30. A brother is a friend given by nature. – Jean Baptiste Legouve

Cowboy Wisdom Never kick a fresh cow dung on a hot day. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. It doesn’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Always drink upstream from the herd. Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads Don’t corner something meaner than you.

These are really good!

Every hotel room was taken "You've got to have a room or just a bed somewhere and I don't really care where," the man pleads with the hotel manager. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force gentleman, and he might be glad to split the cost." admitted the manager. "But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have made complaints about his snoring." "No problem” the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy. "How'd you achieve that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "So I went over to him and gave him a big kiss on the cheek, and said Goodnight beautiful……. he sat up all night watching me. "

Alternative Definitions ADULT A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOUR A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF Cold Storage. INFLATION Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN Grape with a sunburn. SECRET Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

What a Kiss Mean o Kiss on the Forehead = Forever you will be mine o Kiss on the Ear = I’m horny o Kiss on the Cheek = We’re friends o Kiss on the Hand = I adore you o Kiss on the Neck = We belong together o Kiss on the Shoulder = I want you o Kiss on the Lips = I love you OR I want you o Holding Hands = We can learn to love each other o Playing with the Ear = I can’t live without you o Holding on tight = Don’t let go o Looking into each other’s Eyes = Don’t leave me o Playing with Hair on Head = Tell me you love me, and just me o Arms around the Waist = I love you too much to let go o Laughing while Kissing = I am completely yours …. Definition of KISS from an Educational Point of View MATHS: KISS is defined as the shortest distance between 2 Lips…! ECONOMICS: KISS can best be defined as that thing for which the DEMAND is always higher than the SUPPLY…! PHYSICS: KISS is defined as the powerful process of charging 2 human bodies in a short time, by mere touching of two humid terminals…! COMPUTER: KISS is just like a LAN, in which 2 bodies are connected without any DATA CABLE for some transmissions to pass. BIOLOGY: kiss is defined as a conjugal situation whereby two buccal cavities fuss together to enhance saliva metabolism. CHEMISTRY: Kiss is defined as an exothermic or endothermic reaction that occurs as a result of fission of two lips Happy Kiss Day Sms What kisses mean: KISS ON HAND = I adore u KISS ON CHEEK = lets be friends KISS ON NECK = I want u KISS ON LIPS = I love u KISS ANYWHERE ELSE = …......let’s not get carried away!

Awesome job!

Awesome I'm going to add it to my Wallpaper folder

pretty slick, my friend..

The Winners Of 2018 Sony World Photography National Awards This year is the 11th anniversary of one of the most respected and influential photography competitions in the world – The Sony World Photography Awards. Every year photographers from all around the world submit their best works – this year alone the hosts received a record total of 319,561 images. The competition is divided into 4 different categories: Professional (body of work), open (single images), youth (photographers aged 12-19), and student focus. Also, a National Award is presented for one photo of each participating country. The winners receive not only brand new photography equipment from Sony, but also hefty cash prizes. The Photographer of the Year receives a whopping $25k and the Open Photographer of the Year receives $5k. 1. Brendon Cremer, South Africa National Award 2. Martin Stranka, Czech Republic National Award 3. Paranyu Pithayarungsarit, Thailand National Award 4. Suphakaln Wongcompune, Thailand National Award 5. Isabelle Bacher, Austria National Award 6. Wenjie Qiao, United States National Award 7. Kyaw Win Hlaing, Myanmar National Award 8. Chin Boon Leng, Singapore National Award 9. Santiago Borja, Ecuador National Award 10. Lynn Wu, Taiwan National Award

Pictures from World War 2 Soviet Tank Commander Feeds a Polar Bear Soldiers Prepare a Gift for Hitler US Troops Pose on a Captured German Railway Gun US Marine with a Kitten US and Soviet Soldiers Pose Together German Soldier Lights His Cigarette with a Flamethrower US Paratroopers Prepare to Jump Into Normandy US Motorcycle Troops Pose on Their Harleys US Soldier Mocks Hitler A Kitten Takes a Nap on a UK Navy Ship