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Rejected Hallmark Cards I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life, I've changed my mind. I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again. Someday I hope to marry someone other than you. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age; almost lifelike! When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise. We've been friends for a very long time. Why don't you say we stop? I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you terribly and think of you often. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday; so we're having you put to sleep. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.) Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder, what was I thinking? Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.

Muphy's Law strikes again....

Great Gift....

Some women live up to their perceived image huh...

Roger Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball." Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger. Just then, the cabby leans over and says: "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"

Pay up time for Roger...

this photo is pure brilliance.. thank u for sharing it uk666..

Thanks for Nothing I just want to thank all of you for your educational and warming e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Also, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans. I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe. I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies. I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

Now this is Funny and True Now I disagree with this one: I Drink Coca Cola because it does

I think this is the Best one

Hmmm all I can think of is OMG

lol.. rough one..

I Knew I was in Trouble at Work When... … Your receive a bad performance review (or two, or three) …You're left out of the loop ...The new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of you. ...The Security guard made a complete inventory of your work area. ...Your assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever." …You're asked to provide detailed reports about time or expenses ...You got an "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime. …You notice more gossip and strange behaviour from your co-workers ...The Human Resources Dept. requested an update of your arrest record. ...The boss asked if you still had a copy of your 5-year contract. …Your boss goes directly to your subordinates ...You noticed co-workers are measuring your office when you arrived it work. ...Your parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster. ...Your secretary says things like "get the phone, my nails aren't dry." ...People began helping you to write a "desk manual" for your job. ...The LAN suddenly began backing-up your computer every 10 minutes. … Your access to certain data is limited ...A large paper recycling box was placed next to your file cabinets. ...The receptionist began saying "Who?" to anyone calling for you.