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Showing content with the highest reputation on 09/14/2018 in all areas

  1. 1 point
    Why We Love Children 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT???" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know, “explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, you had your chance. Lights out. " Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad...” "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!” Five minutes later...”Daaaa-aaaad...” "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her! Son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "the big sissy." 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." 6. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" 7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine..." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, "... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday school, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
  2. 1 point
    Widowhood In a dim, smoky room, the psychic turned the cards up one by one, and told her client the shocking truth: "There is no gentle way to tell you this, so I'll just say it. Prepare for widowhood. Your husband will die horribly and violently before the year is out." Noticeably disturbed, the client stared at the old mystic, then at the lone, wavering candle, and finally at the cards laid out before her. She breathed in deeply, trying to control her emotions. She had to find out the rest. She could not leave without knowing. She gazed intently at the old woman, prepared herself, and asked, "Is there any chance I'll be acquitted?"
  3. 1 point
    Breaking News A couple hearing some breaking news. ‘’Government is giving £50,000 aid for families with 5 or more kids’’. But they had only 4 kids. The husband ran outside to the neighboring house and come back with a child. He explain to her wife, ‘’sorry but he is my kid, Now we have 5 kids and £50,000’’. But he found that there were no other kid in house. ‘’Where have all our children gone’’ he asked his wife? ‘’They fathers come and took them’’ she answers.
  4. 1 point
    Advice for Women If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section. Buy a dog. If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you. Buy a dog. If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it. Buy a dog. If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want. Buy a dog. If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies. Buy a dog. If you want someone, who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores. Buy a dog. If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually. Buy a dog. But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness... Then…Buy a cat! (You thought I was talking about a man didn't you.)
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