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Wild Game A hunter is stalking in the jungle when he finds a sexy woman naked on a blanket. He stares at her intently then says: "Are you game?" "I sure am," she purrs. So, he shoots her.

Stress relief method You might try the following method to relieve stress: Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. The brook gurgles and the air is cool... You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water. Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place. What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath...then *splosh slosh*!... back under they go... You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want. There, now... feeling better?

Notice notice Date: Wednesday, 10 October 2018 From: Bill Lacewell (blacewel(at)SYSTEMA.WESTARK.EDU) Subject: Important Notice PLEASE NOTICE: You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. Some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticed. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed. The Management

Off to Las Vegas A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied: "I'm going to Las Vegas." He asked her why she was going. She told him: "I just found out that as a woman I can make £400 a night doing what I give you for free." He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch. His wife said: "And just where do you think you are going?" "I'm going too!" he replied. "Why?" she asked. "I want to see how you are going to live on £800 a year!"

After 35 years working with mining and pulp & paper companies across Canada, I decided to pull the pin and enjoy life for a change. I enjoy fishing and doing things outdoors with the grandkids and the wife. The our cottagers know when we're on the water because they hear singing all kinds of kid songs and enjoying ourselves while at the cottage.

Shikakutemeidotalu

Simone Segouin, the 18-year-old French Resistance fighter Simone is pictured taking cover during the liberation of Paris in August 19, 1944. Members of the French Resistance are photographed in the midst of battle against German troops during the Liberation of Paris. We see a man in makeshift army fatigues to the left and a young man on the right. Then, most strikingly, we see a woman in shorts, a patterned top, and a military hat in the center. The photograph of this young female fighter would become a symbol of women’s involvement in the Resistance. Her name was Simone Segouin, also known by her nom de guerre Nicole Minet. When this photo was taken, she was 18 years old. The girl had killed two Germans in the Paris fighting two days previously and also had assisted in capturing 25 German prisoners of war during the fall of Chartres. In 1944, at the height of the Nazi occupation of France, she joined the Francs-Tireurs et Partisans (Free-shooters and Partisans, or FTP) – a combat alliance made up of militant communists and French nationalists. Simone was very much in the latter camp. Her father was a huge inspiration – a decorated soldier who had fought in the Great War – and she was intensely proud of her country. Simone Segouin was involved in armed actions against enemy convoys and trains, attacks against enemy detachments, acts of sabotages etc. The French newspaper Independent Eure-et-Loir on its August 26, 1944 issue described her as “one of the purest fighters of heroic French Resistance who prepared the way for the Liberation”. She was present at the fall of Chartres, on August 23, 1944, and at the Liberation of Paris. She was promoted to lieutenant, and awarded the Croix de guerre. A street in Courville-sur-Eure was named for her. The gun she’s holding is a German MP-40. Many German weapons were captured and used by the French Resistance. The gun was effective in close quarters, due to its automatic fire and moderate stopping power against regular infantry enemies. The MP-40 was often called the “Schmeisser” by the Allies, after weapons designer Hugo Schmeisser. Schmeisser had designed the MP-18, which was the first mass-produced submachine gun, and saw extensive service at the end of the First World War. He did not, however, design the MP-40. Simone went on to become a paediatric nurse in Chartres, where her wartime exploits made her hugely popular. Despite her swashbuckling war years, Simone was always aware of how difficult it had been for women to play a role in the Resistance. They made up little more than ten per cent of the force, and the majority were confined to non-combat roles. But nonetheless, their presence had helped force a shift in the way women were treated.

Aftershave A navy chief and an Admiral are sitting in the barbershop... They have both just finished having a shave, and the barber reaches for some aftershave. "Hey! Don't put that stuff on me!" the Admiral shouts. "My wife will think I've been in a brothel!" The chief turns to his barber and say: "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

#toomanynoticesbrainonfire.. lmao..

Assignment A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies. He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

hahaha.. 2 fat sluts and a butt load of money..

pft so wrong, but oh so funny..

In the beginning was the Plan and then came the assumptions and the assumptions were without form and the plan was completely without substance and the darkness was upon the faces of the employees and they spake amongst themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit and it stinks!" and the employees went unto their supervisors, saying "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof." and the supervisors went unto their division managers, saying "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength." and the division managers went unto their system managers, saying "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong." and the general manager went unto the Board, saying "It promotes growth and is very powerful." and the general manager went unto the Board, saying "This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this organization." and the Board looked upon the plan and saw that it was good and the Plan became Policy This is how shit happens.

hahaha.. so true..

Job Hunting - What Recruiters Say and What They Really Mean ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION: You'll be making under $7.25 per hour. ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY: You'll be making under $8 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year. AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY: We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft. PROFIT-SHARING PLAN: Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit. COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers. NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since. IMMEDIATE OPENING: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad. SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check. SELF-MOTIVATED: Management won't answer questions. WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS: After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay. PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS: After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution. SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE: Who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries. CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We have a lot of turnover. EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT: Guys in grey suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts. JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM: We all listen to nutty motivational tapes all of the time. FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT: Your co-workers will be insulted if you don't drink with them. A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT: We booze it up at company parties. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED: If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend. SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k: We'll offer you $22k to start. A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION: You'll give boring speeches on your own time. FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 40 hours; get paid for 30. DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around. WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED: Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control in the company. COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do. ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired. ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY: We loooooove brown-nosers.

24 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increase job satisfaction because, if you have a bad job, you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing. 16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar. 17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas. 18. Everyone agrees work is better after they've had a couple of drinks. 19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break. 20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. 21. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language. 22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use. 23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up. 24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

The mind is everything. What you think you become. - Buddha

トソノス