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damn ppl..

The Christmas Party Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: November 1, 2018 RE: Gala Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family, Patty ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: November 2, 2018 RE: Gala Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family, Patty ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: November 3, 2018 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name... I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Patty ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: November 4, 2018 RE: Generic Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All F*%^ing Employees DATE: November 5, 2018 RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party I've had it with you vegetarian pr1cks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die all of you, The B*tch from H*ll!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Company Memo FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: November 5, 2018 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Whatever! Joan

OMG

Very True and I hope more people would

A Thought for the Day John worked at a meat distribution factory. One day, when he finished his work schedule, he went to the meat cold room (freezer) to inspect something but in a moment of bad luck, the door closed and he was locked inside with no help in sight. Although he screamed and knocked with all his might, his cries went unheard as no one could hear him. Most of the workers had already gone, and outside the cold room it's impossible to hear what was going on inside. A few hours later, whilst John was on the verge of death, the security guard of the factory eventually opened the door and saved him. John thanked the security guard and asked him what he came to do there as it wasn't a part of his work routine. The security guard replied: "I've been working in this factory for 35 years. Hundreds of workers come in and go out every day but you are one of the few who greets me in the morning and says goodbye to me every night while leaving after the working hours. Many treat me as if I am invisible. So today like every other day, you greeted me in your simple manner "Hello" at the entrance when resuming for work. But curiously after working hours today, I realized I'd not hear your "Goodbye, see you tomorrow". Hence I decided to check around the factory. I look forward to your greetings every day because to you, I am someone. By not hearing you farewell, I knew something had happened. Then I sought and found you!" Moral of the story: Be humble, love and respect those around you.

oh that's rotten.. damn cheating hag.. she ain't goin to heaven, but first class straight to hell.. lol..

Find the #1 Song on you DOB Want to know what everyone was singing the day you were born (or even the approximate day you were conceived)?? Find it here: http://playback.fm/birthday-song?ncid=newsltushpmg00000003 Tell us what the song was, in the section below!

A Total Golf Nut Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!" Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too. And since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker." "Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought, Ed added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Taxi Drivers A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Bangkok. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Ma," says the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replies. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Madam, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Ma?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers: "Yes". After a few minutes, the boy asks: "Ma, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She says: "Most of them become taxi drivers."

Distress at 18,000 feet An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled “Mayday, Mayday………The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off, he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, Mayday!!” The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!”. He began his series of questions. Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me”. Tower: “Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are traveling at 180 mph??” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me”. Tower: “Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down?” Aircraft: “Because the s*** in my pants is sliding out of my collar.”

The Beer Prayer Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink, Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as I am in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us, and lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers, For thine is the beer, The bitter and the lager, Forever and ever, Barmen.

Let me know what you think 100% original work

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1LGGIMad6AIl6DiFukDZCyqgnhKKCOArCfIlMYLtXey8/edit#gid=0 This doc is regularly updated, would have shared it all myself, but honestly, this guy has it covered. Sony Vegas: Adobe After Effects: Standalone: Final Cut Pro X Plugins are available for each of the above Looks pretty updated too

Recently have been having some trouble with thieves. And now I got the means to make things happen and already collected footage of em. Compiling the evidence as it comes, but that's for another day :p I highly recommend this free software which works on Windows, Android, iOS, Mac, and Linux. Feature List Embed the iSpy Viewer in your own website Control PTZ enabled IP cameras Talk function to Foscam, Axis iSpyServer and IP Webcam Android cameras Text to speech - talk through the website via text to speech or dictation Listen to and monitor remote microphones live over the network Pair video and audio sources for capturing movies with sound Upload to YouTube, Dropbox and Google Drive Command line access (integrate with home automation) Remote Commands (execute over the web or via mobile devices) Desktop capturing Mobile device access Unlimited cameras Detect, highlight, track and record movement Record video and audio on demand (and via the web) Customise movement detection areas on your cameras FTP and SFTP frames from your camera to a remote server Capture Snapshots and Timelapse Email, SMS and Twitter alerts Access and control iSpy remotely via iSpyConnect Full scheduling support PTZ Object tracking Plugins for ALPR, Face Detection and more https://www.ispyconnect.com/plugins.aspx Perfect for business and perfect for home security. DOWNLOAD: https://www.ispyconnect.com

lmfao.. yep that's the god's honest truth right there.. holy sh*t is she omfg hot, damn.. lol..

A Really Sad Story We all grow up with such great hopes and dreams. We face life’s challenges every day and we try to look everyone right in the eye. To install our sincerity in those we meet and converse with eye contact. And in return we expect the same courtesy. These are the reasons why this is such a sad story! Because this poor thing ......... . . . . . . . . SHE WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE EYE CONTACT NEVER EVER! SO VERY SAD!!!

Legs In The Air Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" ‘’If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure!"

Who Wishes You A Very Happy Life The Lawyer - hopes you get into trouble. The Doctor - hopes you get sick. The Police - hopes you become a Criminal. The Teacher - hopes you are born stupid. The Landlord - hopes you do not buy a House. The Dentist - hopes your Teeth decays. The Mechanic - hopes your Car breaks down. The Undertaker - wants you dead. Only the Thief - wishes you Prosperity in Life and also wishes you have a Sound Sleep.

Wonderful definitions of designations Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month. Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby. Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month. Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby. Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available. Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources. Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months. Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby. Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby. HR is a person who thinks that a donkey can deliver a human baby if given 9 months.

Drinks as personality pointers Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks (and how you approach them if you're interested in them). Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results: Girl Drinks Drink: Beer Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink. Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below) Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years... Alzheimer's and term limits be damned. Drink: White Zin Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue. Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... Drink: Shots Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk... and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait. Guy Drinks The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut. The results: Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid. Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid. Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid. Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid. Tequila’s off, all you w*nkers, I'm gonna go shag something. White Zin: He's gay.

Confucius Says: Man who run in front of car, get tired. Man who run behind car, get exhausted. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly. Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night. Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out. It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who sit on tack get point. Man who lives in glass house should change in basement. He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs. Man who eat jellybeans fart in living colour.

nice design at all ! an advice from me: in Second Design try to avoid those hard Shadows... the point to shadow is that if you find the correct way of using it, it will give to the design very Modern and Clean look.. Regard GM

Never Presume A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression: "I presume". One little girl held up her hand and said: "Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken." "Very good" said the teacher. Another one said: "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn’t start." "That’s excellent" says the teacher. Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: "Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that..." The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything." Johnny says, "Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence." The teacher says, "Very well. Continue." "As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a shit because he can’t read."