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I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do. - Leonardo da Vinci

Too Funny

Kenny This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle. Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM! - Kenny nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".

The Church Vs. The Brothel Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground! After the cathouse fire, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer." But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher, and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business, either through direct or indirect divine actions or means." In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's destruction. The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented: "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this damn case, but it appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and the church and an entire congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!"

Why Coca Cola failed in Saudi Arabia A salesman of Coca-Cola returned from his assignment to Saudi Arabia. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Saudis?" The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch. But I had a problem. I didn't know how to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters. First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand totally exhausted and fainting. Second poster: The man is drinking Coca-Cola. Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed. And then these posters were pasted all over the place. "Terrific! That should have worked!" said the friend. "The hell it should have!" said the salesman. "But no one told me they read from right to left!"

Kiss and Slap A young technician and his general manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sits there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The general manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his general manager all at the same time!"

omfg.. those damn blondes and their ridiculous antics r at it again.. hahaha..

Crocodile Shoes A blonde was on holiday and driving through Darwin. She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free". The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, “Little lady, just go and give it a try"! The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile! Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the river bank where he spots the same young blonde woman standing waist deep in the murky water, a shotgun in her hand. Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature, and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto it's back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, and than she shouts out......... " SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"!

Constant Craving A young man went to the doctors with an unusual problem. He told the doctor ‘’that he had recently got married and before that he had never had sex.’’ ‘’Now he couldn’t get enough and although his wife enjoyed it, she was getting worn down by his constant craving’’, he said ‘’he wanted sex six or eight times every night.’’ The doctor said ‘’it would pass in a short time and suggested that possibly he could take a mistress on a temporary basis till the craving subsided.’’ ‘’Oh, I have’’ said the young man, ‘’there is a young lady just down the road that I see on the way to work and on the way home, then the girls at work at lunch time and at morning and afternoon tea time. Then on weekends when I play golf there is a waitress at the club.’’ ‘’Good lord man’’ said the doctor ‘’you’re going to have to get a grip on yourself.’’ ‘’I do. I do Doc’’, said the man ‘’twice a night but even that doesn’t help.’’

so very true.. trying to teach a this very important lesson to my son.. nice one UK..

Women's survey on size…... Women's response: 2 inches - I can't even hold it. 3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied. 4 inches - I've had bigger than it. 5 inches - good, but I wish a bit bigger. 6 inches - perfect. 7 inches - Love it. 8 inches - Wow! but can’t have it all. 9 inches - Painful but manageable. 10 inches - Too much pressure on stomach. . . . This survey was Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of Subway Sandwiches.

Dang son

Hmmmm I was thinking something else until I got to the end = Darn dirty mind

If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else. - Booker T. Washington

Yep not getting in my door, Be very lucky it they could even get to it, My shotgun can hit them at the street