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Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards 2019 Here are the finalists: The award winners will be announced on 13 November.

Top Ten Most Annoying Crossovers in Music (some from ALLMUSIC discussion list) 10. Industrial Christian Rock 9. Gansta Country 8. Grunge Disco 7. Classical Thrash 6. Doo-wop Rap 5. Speed Gospel 4. Soft Metal 3. Polka Blues 2. Techno-Death Mamba 1. New Age Opera

Apple Inc. has developed a new high-tech toilet……The details are not yet clear, but the company is torn between two names for the new device: Either the iPood, or the iPeed.

If you love someone, set him free……If he comes back, I think we can charge him for re-installation fees, but tell him that he's getting an upgrade.

I realised the impact of computers on my young son one evening when there was a dramatic sunset……Pointing to the western sky, David said……I wish we could click and save that.

My husband told me that I am one of the eight wonders of the world......I warned him not to let me catch him with any of the other seven

Archaeologists in Ireland thought they had discovered a mass snowmen grave......Turned out to be a field full of carrots

I asked this Australian bloke how far away I was from Queensland……He replied, "It's 20 clicks away mate." Things must be bad if they've started speaking dolphin.

It was a very emotional wedding……Even the cake was in tiers!

If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills…...I should be fine.

What's the difference between a vision and a sight……When my wife gets dressed up for a party she looks like a vision and when she wakes up in the morning, she's a sight!

My ex-wife was on vacation in New Orleans and sent me a picture of one of the famous cemeteries with the graves above ground……The caption read: "WISH YOU WERE HERE!"

I was a little taken aback when I got my receipt from the funeral parlour, on the bottom of the receipt, after the bill, it read……Thank you. Please come again.

I heard about a new website: needleinahaystack.com......Took me ages to find it!

My wife asked me before going to the hairdressers……What cut do you think would make me more attractive……A power cut, was apparently the wrong answer.

Why Why Why Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Does a fish get cramps after eating? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How can someone "draw a blank"? How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away? If a cow laughed really hard, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with? If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots? If you have your finger touching the rear-view mirror that says "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible? If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a tall building what would happen? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"? What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane? What is another word for "thesaurus"? When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why do 'tugboats push their barges? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there? Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together? Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing? Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? Why does your nose run and your feet smell? Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is? Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one? Why is it so hard to remember how to spell mnemonic? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"? Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same? Why is the word "abbreviate" so long? Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream? Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission? Why isn't "palindrome" spelling the same way backwards? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? You know how most packages say "Open here". What do you do if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

A friend of mine said that his wife had left him......She took with her all his Bob Marley records and his satellite dish......No Woman - No Sky.

Why did the belt get arrested…..Because he held up a pair of pants.

Why was the parrot in prison……Because it was a jail-bird.

Why is Facebook like jail......You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.

Why did the picture go to jail......Because it was framed.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean……Nothing, they just waved.

Games You Can Play With a Brick If you have a brick or a pile of bricks, you may be thinking "bricks are really boring." But you're wrong. There are probably a million ways to have fun with a brick. Here are six of them: 1. "Brick Tag" The rules of brick tag are simple: if you get hit by the brick, you're "it." 2. "Brick Roulette" Have your friends stand in a circle around you. Put on a blindfold. Spin around as fast as you can while holding the brick with your arm fully extended to build up maximum force. Let go. 3. "Jump Over the Brick" Put the brick on the ground. Jump over it. See how high you can jump. 4. "Truth or Brick" Tell the truth or get the brick. 5. "Drop the Brick" Find something tall. Go up on top of it. Drop the brick. 6. "Brick Conquerors" Injury the brick. Hit it with a stick, stab it with a sword, set it on fire - the goal is to inflict maximum harm on the brick.

Dog Property Laws If I like it, it’s mine. If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine. If I can take it from you, it’s mine. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. If it just looks like mine, it’s mine. If I saw it first, it’s mine. If you are playing with something and you put it down, automatically it’s mine. If it’s broken, it’s yours.

Samsung Galaxy Fold 5G UK Release Date Revealed Samsung's first foldable phone will go on sale on Friday after problems delayed its initial release. The Galaxy Fold will be available on 6 September in South Korea, with a UK launch following on 18 September. The release of the nearly $1,980 (£1,600) device in April was postponed after early reviewers reported broken screens. Samsung has been rushing to launch the folding smartphone before its rivals. The firm said in July it had made "improvements" to the device and planned for the phone to go on sale in September. It will cost £1,900 when it goes on sale in the UK on 18 September. According to news site the Verge, changes to the device include: reducing the gap between the hinge and the display to prevent debris entering the mechanism hiding the edges of the screen-protective layer under the bezels of the device, to stop users peeling the laminated protection off adding plastic caps to the edges of the folding display to stop debris getting in Samsung, the world's biggest smartphone and memory chip maker, is facing growing competition from rivals like Chinese tech firm Huawei. It is also navigating possible disruption to its chip business from a trade row between South Korea and Japan. Huawei became the second-largest smartphone seller in the world last year and plans to launch its folding smartphone in September. Earlier this year, Chinese technology firm Xiaomi unveiled a prototype of a folding smartphone that transforms into a tablet. The Galaxy Fold is being released in a small number of countries including South Korea, the US, the UK and Singapore.