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False Teeth A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied: "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

The Elderly OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part OLD ALCOHOLICS never die, they just get wasted OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off OLD BIKERS never die, but they're hard on tires OLD BIOLOGISTS never die, they just ferment away OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures OLD BOOKS never die, they just go out-of-print OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter OLD BRAKES never die, they just grind down OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die; they just sit around on their fat aces OLD BUDGETS never die, they are filibustered OLD BUREAUCRATS never die, they just waste away OLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal away OLD BUSINESSES never die, they just get consolidated

My Job Searches My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. I tried to retire from tracking as I could not follow the treads. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting. I worked in an abattoir until I was boned. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme. I worked on a newspaper until it was not new anymore. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it.... I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in. Then, I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income. I was a waste disposal worker until I was recycled into management. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining. I was a registered shooter for culling herds until my job was targeted. Then, I was a cleaner in a company making robotic vacuum cleaners until I was found surplus to requirements. Next, I was an airline pilot until the company bailed out. I worked in a fish and chip store until seagulls negotiated a right of entry. So, then I got a job in a Workout Centre, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

A Welcomed Change of Pace My goal for 2019 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza... I ate a pizza, are you happy? Just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web. One good part of getting old is you forget most of your mistakes quick! I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel. Senility has been a smooth transition for me. I do wish I could tell you my age but it’s impossible. It keeps changing all the time. The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside, they closed school? Yeah, Me neither. ‎Though nobody can go back and make a new beginning... Anyone can start over and make a new ending. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this. I love being almost 75, I learn something new every day and forget 5 others. Everything and everyone at their own pace. Flow with not against yourself. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him. A new year never dies; it just keeps on turning into a memory. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed. you must always be yourself, and do things at your own pace. Someday, you'll catch up. Pass this along to your fellow seniors.

Feeling Stupid If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius... Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. People come into your lives who you have a good time with, and time goes by and you still have a good time with them and you do stupid stuff with them. To me, that's life. -- Danny DeVito, American actor and filmmaker. Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey, American singer, songwriter, actress, record producer. Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid. -- Benjamin Franklin, America's scientist, inventor, politician, philanthropist and business man. The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. -- Bertrand Russell, British philosopher. Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it. -- A congressional candidate in Texas. Half this game is ninety percent mental. -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark. It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. -- Al Gore, American Vice President. I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix. -- Dan Quayle, American Vice President The wise are instructed by reason, average minds by experience, the stupid by necessity and the brute by instinct. -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, Roman philosopher, orator and statesman of the Roman period We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need…. — Lee Iacocca, American automobile executive. The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people. -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. I wouldn't say I'm a feminist, but I don't like girls pretending to be stupid because it's easier. -- Amy Winehouse, English singer and songwriter. Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances. -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina. Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas. -- Keppel Enderbery, Australian politician. If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record. -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman Men who think that a woman's past love affairs lessen her love for them are usually stupid and weak. -- Marilyn Monroe, American actress. I will do whatever is necessary to make better the stupidity on my part - and therefore go after those who are acting stupid themselves. It's not popular. You don't make friends when you do that. And I couldn't care less. -- Jerry Lewis, American comedian, actor, singer, director, producer, screenwriter.

Freddy Greek Wedding Freddy Mercury is having dinner in a Greek restaurant while a wedding reception is taking place in the function room. The happy couple notice him and come over to speak to him. They ask if he would help them celebrate in the Greek tradition by breaking a couple of plates. "Certainly" he says "but I need another plate". "Why is that?" they enquire. Freddy replies, "I want to break three!"

His & Her Diary From the Same Day *Her Diary: * Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. He fell asleep -- I cried. *His Diary: * Bike wouldn't start; can't figure out why.

Magic, aka Another Way of Living Magic is believing in yourself. If you can do that, you can make anything happen. — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (attributed) You must learn to get in touch with the innermost essence of your being. This true essence is beyond the ego. It is fearless; it is free; it is immune to criticism; it does not fear any challenge. It is beneath no one, superior to no one, and full of magic, mystery, and enchantment. — Deepak Chopra, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success There is a magic about you that is all your own. — D.M. Dellinger We all have magic inside us. —J.K. Rowling Promise to stay wild with me. We’ll seek and return and stay and find beauty and the extraordinary in all the spaces we can claim. We’ll know how to live. How to breathe magic into the mundane. — Victoria Erickson And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it. — Roald Dahl, The Minpins Where there is kindness, there is goodness and where there is goodness, there is magic. — Cinderella She was everything real in a world of make-believe. — Atticus Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again. — C.S. Lewis You know what the issue is with the world? Everyone wants a magical solution to their problem, and everyone refuses to believe in magic. — Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland She had this way of always finding the good and believing in everything despite all that she had seen. And that is what I loved the most…. the pure magic of her undying hope. — Becca Lee I’ve personally danced with fate a few too many times to not believe in the magic of this world. — K. A. Life is a combination of magic and pasta. — Federico Fellini I don’t believe in the kind of magic in my books. But I do believe something very magical can happen when you read a good book. — J.K. Rowling The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone. — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Magic is the art of thinking, not strength or language. — Christopher Paolini Dance beneath the stars as you drink in the night. Let the thunder overtake you as lightning fills the sky. Feel the force of nature penetrate your skin, spin with the world as the magic sinks in. — Christy Ann Martine We come spinning out of nothingness, scattering stars like dust. — Rumi (attributed) Magic happens when you do not give up, even though you want to. The universe always falls in love with a stubborn heart. — J.M. Storm Watch carefully, the magic that occurs, when you give a person just enough comfort to be themselves. — Atticus

The Duck and the Lawyer..... A big city lawyer went duck hunting on the Marshes in rural Nova Scotia. He shot and dropped a bird but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here!" The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Toronto, and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes here in this part of Nova Scotia. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'" The lawyer asked, "What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?” The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh “cow pie”. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old dog. Now it's my turn!" The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Saudi Arabia - hacked Amazon boss's phone… The security chief of Jeff Bezos has accused Saudi Arabia of obtaining private information from the Amazon chief executive’s phone and obtaining private information about the world’s richest man. Gavin de Becker, Mr Bezos’s security chief, said in an article on the Daily Beast website that the Saudi government had launched a campaign against Mr Bezos, who also owns the Washington Post, following the newspaper’s coverage of the killing of columnist Jamal Khashoggi. “Our investigators and several experts concluded with high confidence that the Saudis had access to Bezos’ phone, and gained private information,” wrote Mr de Becker. He said he had turned evidence over to federal officials but did not describe that evidence or give further details of his claims. Mr de Becker said he had reached his conclusion about Saudi involvement following an investigation into how the National Enquirer obtained leaked messages between Mr Bezos and Lauren Sanchez, a woman with whom the Amazon chief was having a relationship. In February, Mr Bezos accused the tabloid’s parent company, American Media Inc, of “extortion and blackmail”. He said the tabloid had threatened to publish intimate photos and text messages between him and Ms Sanchez unless he called off Mr de Becker’s investigation and issued a statement saying AMI’s coverage was not politically motivated. In his article on Saturday, Mr de Becker said AMI had demanded that he publicly state “that my investigation had concluded they hadn’t relied upon ‘any form of electronic eavesdropping or hacking in their newsgathering process’.” Mr de Becker claimed the publisher had also asked him to say that the story was not “instigated, dictated or influenced in any manner by external forces, political or otherwise”. However, he said it was “unclear to what degree, if any, AMI was aware of the details” of the Saudi government’s alleged accessing of Mr Bezos’s phone. Mr de Becker claimed the Saudi government “has been very intent on harming Jeff Bezos since last October”, due to the Post’s “relentless coverage” of the death of Khashoggi, a critic of the kingdom.

Wonderful English Signs From Around The World In a Bangkok Temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. Doctor's office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Dry cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, SHOULD MEET THE MANAGER On the Road To Mombasa: NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP. In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS. In a Cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. In a Tokyo Bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID ANY The lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY. A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!!!) A Laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. And finally, the all-time classic: Seen in an Abu Dhabi shopping mall window: IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.