uk666

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

Ten Elf Pickup Lines "I'm down here." Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy. I was once a lawn ornament for NSYNC. Want to meet them? I can get you off Santa's naughty list. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear? No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a little wild man.

There Is A God A woman received a call that her daughter was sick. She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car, and found that she had locked her keys inside. She found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up. A bearded man, who was wearing an old biker skull rag, got off his cycle and asked if he could help. She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said "Sure" He walked over to the car and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft." The woman hugged the man again sobbing, look up said: “Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Peppermint I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull, I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow, and was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the vet come and have a look at him, he said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows, and within two days had satisfied all my cows. He even broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbour’s cows, he's like a machine. I don't know what was in the pills the vet gave him but they kind of taste like peppermint.

Porn Star A porn star goes into an employment agency looking for a job. He tells the secretary he wants a new line of work. The agency gives him an interview and then find a job for him as a petrol pump attendant. A week later the woman at the agency phones the gas station to see how he's getting on. "He's was great", says the man at the gas station. "He was hardworking and popular with ladies. But we have to let him go because he's got a problem." "What's that?", says the lady at the employment agency. "Well, he puts the petrol pump in the tank and starts filling it up, but when it's almost full he would pull the pump out and sprays the petrol all over the windscreen."

A Women’s Poem He didn't like the casserole And he didn't like my cake He said my biscuits were too hard Not like his mother used to make I didn't perk the coffee right He didn't like the stew I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue Then I turned around and smacked him one Just like his mother used to do.

DO YOU EAT CHOCOLATE? We were raised on chocolate as kids and even into adulthood but I will never eat it again!! I hope from now on you will throw yours away whenever you are given any. It appears nothing is safe to eat anymore. This is what happens when you eat chocolate! THIS IS A MEDICAL WARNING! It could happen to you, your family, and friends! CHOCOLATE can cause SMALL FEET!

Complete and Finished The difference between the words 'complete' and 'finished' Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED but there is: When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.... And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.... And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

Today I was beaten up by a Woman...! I was in the elevator when that busty lady got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1. So, I did. I don't remember much afterwards....

Cheating Mathematics Cheating husband decided to write this letter to his wife. My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife, I will be spending the evening with my 18 years old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight". When the man came home late that night, he found a reply of his letter on the dining room table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and like your secretary, he is 18 years old. You being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Night Events You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body. You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally, I drifted off to sleep. Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you. Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you……… ………F***ing mosquitoes!

Senior dating ads These are actual ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper. Who says seniors don't have a sense of humour? ---------------------------------------------------- FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. ---------------------------------------------------- LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, Fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. ---------------------------------------------------- SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and Meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, Take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. ---------------------------------------------------- WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier To share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. ---------------------------------------------------- BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes. ---------------------------------------------------- MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads Together. ---------------------------------------------------- MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, Many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

pun ishment Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is too tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, You get repossessed With her marriage, She got a new name and a dress. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. Once you've seen one shopping centre, You've seen a mall. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Angrily Father While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says: "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says: "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to…….?"

Church Newsletters The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. -------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. .................................... The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'The Searching for Jesus.' -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. -------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. -------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. -------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.. -------------------------- Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get. -------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. ------------------------ A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. -------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. ------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. -------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.. -------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. -------------------------- Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. ------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. -------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. -------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. -------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance. ------------------------ The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.' -------------------------

The Auto Air Conditioner The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on millions of Fords. They haggled back and forth and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so, to this day, all Ford air conditioners show: Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

Surprise Christmas Present A couple were Christmas shopping and the shopping centre was packed. As the wife walked around, she was surprised to discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset now because they had a lot of shopping to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was. In a quiet voice he said: "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said: "Yes my sweet...My sweetest love, I do remember that shop." He replied: "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

Finding A Property A lawyer who had a wife and 12 children needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner, who wanted to re-occupy the home. He was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie.... "WE ALL KNOW"...lawyers cannot and do not lie. So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right. He told the agent ''yes, I went this one''. The agent asked: "How many children do you have? He answered: "Twelve." The agent asked "Where are the others?" The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered: “They're in the cemetery with their mother."

2018 - In A Nutshell Our Phones – Wireless Cooking – Fireless Cars – Keyless Food – Fatless Tires –Tubeless Dress – Sleeveless Youth – Jobless Leaders – Shameless Relationships – Meaningless Attitudes – Careless Feelings – Heartless Education – Valueless Children – Mannerlessly Country – Godless We are SPEECHLESS Government is CLUELESS And our Leaders are WORTHLESS ! I'm scared - s**tless

He was the real superhero behind the superheroes. RIP Stan Lee

5 Ridiculous Drinking Myths 1. There's No Cure for a Hangover The Myth Every college kid swears by some bullshit hangover cure he got from his older brother, and none of them work. That's not just hard experience talking, but also the conclusion of the British Medical Journal. Back in 2005, they released the results of a massive survey into the effectiveness of various "cures" and categorically stated that, no matter how much you might swear by slathering yourself in tomato juice and wrapping your head in plastic wrap, nothing works. Actually, no, that's not quite correct, because they did suggest a sure-fire way to avoid hangover symptoms - abstinence or moderation. The Reality It turns out that there is a cure, and a wondrous one at that - the bacon sandwich. And no, as far as we're aware this isn't some marketing team-up between the world's breweries and pork farmers -- there's totally legit science involved. Those findings were the result of British-led research that came just a few years after the British-led research that said there was no such thing as a hangover cure, leading us to assume that the Brits, being the world's most hungover people, are simply desperate for a cure. The bread is loaded with carbohydrates, while the bacon is full of protein that the body breaks down into amino acids, an important player in your body's overall level of feelgoodness. And while we've shown you before that drinking doesn't kill your brain cells, booze does cause you to lose neurotransmitters, i.e., those chemicals in your brain that allow you to do things like think and breathe and control your innate desire to dance the sexiest version of the robot possible. But the amino-rich wonder-food that is bacon tops those right back up, helping to clear up that feeling that gremlins came in the middle of the night and replaced your brain with a pincushion. So add it all up and it means that, so long as you remember to stock up on bacon and bread beforehand, you can feel free to get tanked without fearing the repercussions. Assuming you trust yourself to fry splattering, greasy food while your head feels like John Bonham's bass drum during a never-ending drum solo, that is. 2. Drinking a "Nightcap" Helps You Sleep The Myth The nightcap. The quiet, dignified drink before bed, sipped in a smoking jacket while relaxing next to a fireplace, if old magazine ads are to be believed. Regardless of how you spent your day, a nice relaxing drink before bed will ease you right into dreamland. The Reality You'll wake right up a few hours later, feeling like shit. Yes, if you think a nightcap is going to help you to get a good full night's sleep, you're in for a surprise. As in, "It's three freaking a.m. and you're wide freaking awake! Surprise!" For the first few hours, your body will be busy metabolizing the alcohol, so you can look forward to a deep sleep for the first half of the night while your body is otherwise occupied. However, once it's finished doing that, your body's going to turn its attention back to you. And man, is it going to be pissed. So during those wee hours, you can look forward to nightmares, snoring, headaches, digestive problems, night sweats and, because Lady Irony doesn't want to miss out on all the fun, insomnia. Oh, and in case you're male and figure you may as well work in some sex (because, you know, you're awake), you're also likely to be experiencing a nice case of the whiskey dick. Still, at least you've got it better than those who suffer from sleep disorder. Their condition is only worsened by a nightcap because the alcohol relaxes their already shitty throat muscles to the point that they can stop breathing for up to eternity. Yes, that's our way of saying that nightcaps can potentially kill people. But at least you'll know you spent your last waking hours on earth looking suave as hell. 3. American Beer Is Weaker Than Others The Myth American beer pretty much amounts to what you pee out after you've drunk some actual beer. That's right, the American lagers (Bud, Miller Lite, you know the ones) that Americans tend to prefer are way, way weaker than their foreign counterparts. It's one of those alcohol "myths" that are immediately verifiable with sheer, hard facts: Go on, grab a bottle of American beer and compare its alcohol percentage to, say, a Molson. You'll find that the Canadian brew is far more potent than its Stars 'n' Stripes cousin. The Reality The myth behind American beer being weak as piss stems from the fact that most countries measure beer alcohol percentage by volume. The U.S., continuing our proud tradition of shunning the rest of the world's measuring systems (just like that metric system bullshit), has traditionally measured alcohol exclusively by weight instead. Sadly, as reputations go, this proved to be American beer's undoing: When measuring alcohol by weight, each and every American beer ended up displaying a smaller alcohol percentage on the label than its foreign counterparts. And despite the fact that U.S. breweries are now shying away from the traditional "alcohol by weight" system and embracing the "Screw this, we'll do what everyone else is doing" system, they're still fighting an uphill battle against the ingrained idea that American beer is weaker than the real beer the rest of the world brews. 4. Absinthe Is a Badass Hallucinogen The Myth Absinthe is an intense hallucinogenic liquor once favoured by artists such as Ernest Hemingway, Edgar Degas and Vincent Van Gogh. Concocted from wormwood and fever dreams, it's closer to doing drugs than doing most actual drugs. That's why it's been banned in so many countries, obviously. The Reality Nope. It's a myth. Always was. The potentially toxic/hallucinogenic thujone that supposedly causes the psychoactive effects of absinthe only shows up in ridiculously small trace amounts. The whole reputation of absinthe is based on a very simple fact: It was a strong, no-frills-attached, cheap-as-muck liquor, and thus favoured by big drinkers who couldn't afford fancy wines and beers because of the sheer amount of their intake. Because absinthe drinkers were the type who tended to drink a lot, their alcoholism symptoms were blamed on the "drug" effects of absinthe. The fact that many of these historical big drinkers went on to become famous artists didn't actually hurt its reputation. Absinthe has made somewhat of a comeback lately, and it's still hyped as the druggy-sounding "green fairy." Of course, the stuff isn't any more dangerous than it ever was. 5. Beer Gives You a Beer Gut The Myth It's every beer drinker's unavoidable fate: the beer gut. The proof is all around us -- we all have at least one friend or family member who perennially looks like they're pregnant, regardless of their actual state of fertility or, for that matter, gender. And you, too, will get that nice round gut by middle age if you partake regularly. The Reality The beer gut doesn't exist. Or rather, that massive mound you insist on calling your "one-pack" has nothing to do with actual beer consumption. In fact, research shows that the amount of beer you drink and the size of your belly have no correlation whatsoever. Hell, if you keep your beer intake under even a modicum of control, chances are it doesn't even do that much to your general weight gain. Now obviously beer has calories, so a huge intake will contribute to weight gain (especially since you tend to take very little exercise when you're constantly bombed). But even then, it's nothing more than what, say, a strict bacon sandwich diet would do to you -- any excess calories can lead to weight gain. And that weight may or may not settle right on your belly, depending on whether you're genetically predisposed to it. That's right: There's a beer belly gene. People get fat in different ways, and abdominal obesity is just one of the many interesting fat-storing shapes that the human body can sculpt itself into if said human body doesn't take care of itself. So if you have the gene, you'll wind up having a pot belly eventually, regardless of your actual alcohol consumption. Unless, that is, you maintain a strict diet and exercise regimen for your entire life, but who the hell does that? But if that's the case, then where did this fictional correlation between big bellies and beer drinking come from? One possible culprit is cirrhosis, a liver disease of chronic alcoholics that involves the swelling of the abdomen into that familiar beach ball shape. We guess somebody decided that calling it a "beer gut" instead of "organ failure" was less of a buzzkill at family reunions.