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Drinking in Galway "As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's....The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in my favourite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not myself, personally, no." Admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times

Another Survey This week I asked 100 women what kind of soap do you use in the shower. All of them gave me the same answer. How the f--- did you get in here?

Who Wishes You A Very Happy Life The Lawyer - hopes you get into trouble. The Doctor - hopes you get sick. The Police - hopes you become a Criminal. The Teacher - hopes you are born stupid. The Landlord - hopes you do not buy a House. The Dentist - hopes your Teeth decays. The Mechanic - hopes your Car breaks down. The Undertaker - wants you dead. Only the Thief - wishes you Prosperity in Life and also wishes you have a Sound Sleep.

The Prostar’s Baby A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the midwife. "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman: "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black." "Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see, the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy." "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes." "Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark." The midwife fainted.

The Wedding A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl - box seats plus airfares, accommodation etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 pm. Her name's Louise, she's 5'4", about 125 lbs., good cook, makes $150,000 a year. She will be the one in the white dress.

Wonderful definitions of designations Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month. Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby. Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month. Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby. Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available. Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources. Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months. Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby. Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby. HR is a person who thinks that a donkey can deliver a human baby if given 9 months.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male......All he's concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women......Exchange him.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg.......Because not one, will stop and ask for directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women.......When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

The Classic Harley Our story begins with a young man who's in the market for a used motorcycle. One day, he comes across a beautiful, classic Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is delighted to find the bike in mint condition. He enquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful. I'll take it. But you have to tell me how you keep it in such good shape!" "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike, I won't need my tube of Vaseline any more. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline. That night, they decide to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents’ house. It was the first time he was going to meet them and he figured it would make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Sweetie," she says," I have to tell you something about my parents before we go in. It's really embarrassing but it's a family tradition. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says with a smile. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In fact, the entire house is littered with piles of them. This thing was no joke! They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, our hero gets more and more bored. To spice things up, he decides to test the limits of this game this family plays. He reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, undresses her, and proceeds to make love to her on the dinner table. No one says a word. While that is going on, he thinks: "Her mother must have had her as a teen, she's gorgeous...", so he grabs his girlfriend's mother and proceeds to make love to HER on that same dinner table, but still, no one says a word. A thunder clap sounds and heavy rain begins to fall. The passionate boyfriend panics: his perfect Harley! He lets go of the mother and as he pulls the Vaseline tube from his pocket, the father stands up and shouts: “Alright! I'll do the bloody dishes!”

Drinks as personality pointers Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks (and how you approach them if you're interested in them). Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results: Girl Drinks Drink: Beer Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink. Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below) Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years... Alzheimer's and term limits be damned. Drink: White Zin Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue. Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... Drink: Shots Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk... and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait. Guy Drinks The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut. The results: Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid. Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid. Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid. Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid. Tequila’s off, all you w*nkers, I'm gonna go shag something. White Zin: He's gay.

The Tourist While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they aren’t been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

The Smell On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left. On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end, they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then the ex-called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 50% - Percent of what the house had been worth but only if he would sign the papers that very day. He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork. A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods.

Confucius Says: Man who run in front of car, get tired. Man who run behind car, get exhausted. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly. Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night. Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out. It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who sit on tack get point. Man who lives in glass house should change in basement. He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs. Man who eat jellybeans fart in living colour.

A Rabbi, Hindu and The Lawyer Three friends, a Rabbi, a Hindu holy man and a lawyer, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "my people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening in their memory." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the farmer's door. The farmer opened the door and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, good sir, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurred. There was a knock on the farmer's door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked. The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country, cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground." Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door and there stood the pig and the cow.

Tough Love... When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him. During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. Here she said, pointing between her legs, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

Mother Wisdom The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die". She raised herself up in bed with a sincere look on her face and said: "Don't ever sell that cow".

Puzzle: what way is he looking? Answer:

As You Grow Older Death is the number 1 killer in the world. Life is sexually transmitted. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky punky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow. Don't ignore this message. This is your only warning. A friend sent this to me -- he must have mistakenly assumed I was ageing!