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Things That Make You Think (How Crazy Life Is) 1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. 2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. 3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." 4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. 6. Have you noticed since everyone has mobile phones these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs as they used to? 7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars. 8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? 11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 13. There is a theory, which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory, which states that this has already happened. 14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Rejected Dictionary Entries ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone me-deep in conversation GOSSIPER: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Egypt Sarcophagus: Mysterious Granite Box Is Finally Opened Speculation and mystery have surrounded the strange black granite box since it was found in Alexandria earlier this month. Some even suggested that it should not be opened, for fear that it could unleash a hideous curse. It was found next to a giant alabaster head that served only to deepen the mystery of what was inside. Now archaeologists have prised open the eldritch box to find it was filled with dirty water and three skeletons, according to Egypt's Ministry of Antiquities. The water probably found its way into the box from a sewage trench, the ministry said. It may have caused the mummies to decompose and leave only their skeletons. The bodies are probably those of warriors. One of the them appears to have a wound that is the result of being hit by an arrow, experts said. Local reports suggested that officials from the Ministry of Antiquities mocked suggestions that the sarcophagus could unleash evil forces or curses when opened. In fact, it appeared to contain little of any note. There were no inscriptions or objects inside the coffin that would suggest the bodies belonged to members of an ancient royal family, for instance. Some had hoped that the tomb could contain the body of Alexander The Great, which would help solve one of antiquity's greatest mysteries. But there is nothing to suggest that any of the skeletons belong to that famed warrior and empire builder. Alexander's body has never been found. He asked for his corpse to be thrown into the Euphrates river – but speculation has been rife ever since that his body was actually disposed of in a tomb, and that it is still lying waiting to be found. Either way it is incredibly rare to find an unopened sarcophagus in Alexandria. Anyone planning to build in the city must first have archaeologists inspect the site, and while they occasionally find sarcophagi they have usually been looted. The skeletons will now be removed from the site and sent to the National Museum of Alexandria, the ministry said. The sarcophagus will also be removed from the site once it is checked over and repaired.

Settling Down After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.’’ They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, ‘'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on, “she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”

Woman Falling From Fire Escape 1975 Forman was a well-known photographer working for the Boston Herald when he attended the scene of a fire. What began as him documenting the rescue of a young woman and child quickly took a turn when the fire escape collapsed. Forman only lowered his camera and turned at the last moment when he realized what he was witnessing was a woman plummeting to her death. The two waited with firefighter Robert O’Neil for a rescue ladder to reach them. As the firefighter climbed onto the rescue ladder, the fire escape collapsed under their feet and they fell to the ground five floors below. The pair began to fall and he continued shooting as they were falling. He capturing them swimming through the air. The woman was killed but the child survived, her fall cushioned by the woman’s body. It’s tragic, going from the hope of immediate rescue to a deadly fall in seconds. This famous photograph won the 1976 Pulitzer Prize for Spot News Photography as well as World Press Photo of the Year.. But its interesting legacy is the ethical questions it raised about when a photographer should stop shooting and whether it is appropriate to publish disturbing images. It also caused many municipalities to enforce stricter fire-escape safety codes, so you decide. Stanley Forman. This is how he described the accident: It was 22 July 1975. I was about to leave the offices of the Boston Herald for the day. A call came in about a fire in one of the city’s older sections of Victorian row houses. I rushed to the house and followed one of the engines to the fire. I ran to the back of the building, because on the way there they kept yelling for a ladder truck because there were people trapped in the building on the fire escape. I ran to the back of the building and when I looked up there was a woman and a child on the fire escape and they were basically leaning at the furthest point from the building because of the heat of the fire behind them. In the meantime, a firefighter called Bob O’Neil had climbed on to the front of the building on the roof and saw the pair on the fire escape. He lowered himself on to the fire escape to rescue them. I took a position where I could photograph what I thought was an impending routine rescue. The ladder went up to pick them up – they were about 50ft (15m) up. Mr. O’Neill had just told Diana Bryant that he was going to step onto the ladder and asked her to hand the baby to him. Mr. O’Neil was reaching out for the ladder when suddenly the fire escape gave way. I was shooting pictures as they were falling – then I turned away. It dawned on me what was happening and I didn’t want to see them hit the ground. I can still remember turning around and shaking. It transpired that I wouldn’t have seen them hit the ground as they fell behind a fence where the bins were. When I did turn around I didn’t see them but I saw the firefighter still clinging onto the ladder with one arm, like a monkey, with all his gear. He hoisted himself back up the fire escape to safety. They say the woman broke the child’s fall. The woman died later that night.

Stuff to Think About Would you kill for a Nobel Peace Prize? Borrow money from pessimists, they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. What's the speed of dark? How can you tell when you're out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Dear Departed A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die?..... The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so very deeply? A child? Maybe a parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied: "My wife's first husband."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter what. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline.'' ''I told him it was in the bathroom!"

Bet A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology, when he turned to his wife and said: "Honey, I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time." She said, "You have a bigger d**k than all of your friends."

Birthday Present for Wife A Man was asking his friend for some advice, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His friend have an idea, “You should give your wife a certificate that says—she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll undoubtedly be thrilled!" The men and his friend made and printed the certificate. The next day his friend asked: “How’d it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling—I'll see you in about two hours!"

The Portrait An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist.... ....."Paint me with big diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex. " "But you are not wearing any of those things." The artist said. "I know," she reply. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for all this jewellery.’’

Roger Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball." Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger. Just then, the cabby leans over and says: "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"

Dalí Atomicus Photographed Halsman met artist Salvador Dalí in the Surrealist circle while he was living in Paris in the 1930s. In the late 1940s, the two men began to collaborate on a variety of photographic projects. Dalí Atomicus, perhaps the most iconic image to emerge from this collaboration. Halsman photographed some of the most celebrated figures of the mid-20th century. His closely cropped, sharply focused portraits were infused with warmth and a sense of humour, evincing his ability to make his subjects feel comfortable in front of the camera. Before there was Photoshop, artist Salvador Dalí and photographer, Philippe Halsman collaborated to create this magical, gravity-defying scene. It took 28 tries to achieve the playful weightlessness of Dalí Atomicus, it is one of the most Iconic images of the 20th century. Dalí Atomicus 1948 A Recreation of Philippe Halsman's 'Dali Atomicus'!

Thanks for Nothing I just want to thank all of you for your educational and warming e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Also, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans. I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe. I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies. I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

I Knew I was in Trouble at Work When... … Your receive a bad performance review (or two, or three) …You're left out of the loop ...The new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of you. ...The Security guard made a complete inventory of your work area. ...Your assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever." …You're asked to provide detailed reports about time or expenses ...You got an "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime. …You notice more gossip and strange behaviour from your co-workers ...The Human Resources Dept. requested an update of your arrest record. ...The boss asked if you still had a copy of your 5-year contract. …Your boss goes directly to your subordinates ...You noticed co-workers are measuring your office when you arrived it work. ...Your parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster. ...Your secretary says things like "get the phone, my nails aren't dry." ...People began helping you to write a "desk manual" for your job. ...The LAN suddenly began backing-up your computer every 10 minutes. … Your access to certain data is limited ...A large paper recycling box was placed next to your file cabinets. ...The receptionist began saying "Who?" to anyone calling for you.

What Women Want in a Man? What Women Want In A Man (ORIGINAL List) 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially Successful 4. A Caring Listener 5. Witty 6. In Good Shape 7. Dresses with Style 8. Appreciates the Finer Things 9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises 10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover What Women Want In A Man (REVISED List 2018) 1. Realistic Optimism 2. High Level Of Maturity 3. Sexual Confidence 4. High Level Of Masculinity (With Some Feminine Traits Blended In) 5. Admits Weakness 6. Desire For Growth 7. Offers Safety 8. Good Hygiene 9. Enjoys Work 10. Non-Judgmental

Funeral Service A funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket. They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled: "Watch out for that wall!"

Dovima With Elephants When Richard Avedon photographed Dovima at a Paris circus in 1955 for Harper’s Bazaar, both were already prominent in their fields. She was one of the world’s most famous models, and he was one of the most famous fashion photographers. It makes sense, then, that - Dovima With Elephants is one of the most famous fashion photographs of all time. But its enduring influence lies as much in what it captures as in the two people who made it. Dovima was one of the last great models of the sophisticated mold, when haute couture was a relatively cloistered and elite world. After the 1950s, models began to gravitate toward girl-next-door looks instead of the old generation’s unattainable beauty, helping turn high fashion into entertainment. Dovima With Elephants distills that shift by juxtaposing the spectacle and strength of the elephants with Dovima’s beauty—and the delicacy of her gown, which was the first Dior dress designed by Yves Saint Laurent. The picture also brings movement to a medium that was previously typified by stillness. Models had long been mannequins, meant to stand still while the clothes got all the attention. Avedon saw what was wrong with that equation: clothes didn’t just make the man; the man also made the clothes. And by moving models out of the studio and placing them against exciting backdrops, he helped blur the line between commercial fashion photography and art. In that way, Dovima With Elephants captures a turning point in our broader culture: the last old-style model, setting fashion off on its new path.

The International Council of Man Laws 1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss's car. (d) When she is using her teeth. 3. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends. 4. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 5. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 6. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. 7. In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 8. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 9. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend. 10. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 11. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 12. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 13. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 14. If a man's fly is down, that is his problem, you didn't see anything. 15. Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 17. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. 18. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 19. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 20. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 21. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 22. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. 23. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 24. Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 25. The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360. End of story. 26. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. 27. It is not permissible to make eye contact when watching porn with your mates. 28. Furthermore, this is only one of two circumstances under which it is allowed to have an erection with friends in the room, the other being when you are 'spit roasting' a woman. 29. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below: (a) 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?' (b) 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!' I hope this clears up any confusion. The International Council of Man Laws

Chemical Analysis of Woman (sexist sorry) Chemical Analysis Element: Woman Symbol: WO Discoverer: Adam Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36 - 28 - 36, though isotopes ranging from 25 -10 - 20 to 60 - 55 - 60 - 70 have been identified. Occurrence: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas. Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moment’s notice. Very unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted by coins and sport cars. In its natural shape the specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernible except to the experienced eye. Chemical Properties: Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C, especially in the crystalline form. May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C (2)-H (5)-OH and sexy aftershave lotions. An essential catalyst is often required (must say you love her at least five times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in the dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic. Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years. Uses: Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared). Tests: Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green if placed besides a better specimen. Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen.

Behind the Gare Saint-Lazare Upon picking up a Leica camera in the early 1930s, Henri Cartier-Bresson fell in love with the spontaneity of photography and went on to pioneer photojournalism. With his “uncanny ability to capture life on the run” with helping to define the creative potential of modern. Taking pride in capturing “the decisive moment, “Cartier-Bresson intimately captured portraits and scenes, both mundane and historic, around the world. “To take a photograph is to align the head, the eye and the heart. It's a way of life,” he said. Cartier-Bresson, shooting with a 35-millimeter camera and no flash, saw these components all come together for a brief moment and clicked his shutter. The image would become the quintessential example of Cartier-Bresson’s “Decisive Moment,” his lyrical term for the ability to immortalise a fleeting scene on film. A fast, mobile, detail-obsessed style would help chart the course for all of modern photography. Behind the Gare Saint-Lazare, Paris, 1932 Historians regard “Behind The Gare Saint-Lazare” as his most iconic photograph. He took the black and white photograph in 1932 outside the Saint-Lazar train station in Paris. ‘Photography is just luck. There was a fence, and I poked my camera through the fence. It’s a fraction of a second.’ –HENRI CARTIER-BRESSON The resulting image is a masterpiece of form and light. As a man leaps across the water, evoking the dancers in a poster on the wall behind him, the ripples in the puddle around the ladder mimic the curved metal pieces nearby.