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feet Up A Navy officer was walking through the crew’s quarters of an air craft carrier, when he chanced upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the table. “Sailor!” the officer boomed. “Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?” “No sir,” replied the sailor: “but we don’t land airplanes on the roof either!”

what’s the best way to get a straight answer……Use a ruler!

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs......They always take things so literally.

While leaving a grocery store, a customer dropped a bag of flour. A Scout ran to pick it up, don’t bother said the customer……It’s self-rising.

How do you make a goldfish old……Take away the g.

A perfectionist walked into a bar……Apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

What do you call a loony spaceman……An astronut.

Teenagers And Cats For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. Even if you tell the jokes as well as the top comedies, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behaviour. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best source of advice is not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats on hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

Good Ole Days Billy listened as Grandpa lamented about the good ole days, and how the cost of living was so much lower. “When I was about your age, my mother would send me to the store. I would get a pound of hamburger, a quart of milk, 2 oranges, a loaf of bread, and a magazine for only a dollar!” Then Grandpa conceded: "Sadly, you can’t do that anymore. They got those blasted security cameras everywhere."

flowers An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided the florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with a signed note, Your loving husband. His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until next year, on their anniversary, when he came home, kissed his wife, and said off-handily: "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

What pine has the longest needles……A porcupine.

Why did the knights of the round table have a round table……So, no one could take sides.

What did Michael Jackson say to the mirror……You're just another part of me.

Exit signs……They are on the way out aren't they.

What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk……A computer mouse.