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First dog: My master calls me Furball. How about you……Second Dog: My master calls me Sitboy!

A termite walks into the bar and asks……Is the bar tender here.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge……We’ll see about that.

Someone knocked on the door and asked if I wanted to become Jehovah's Witness……I said sorry, but I didn't see the accident.

I was sitting in traffic the other day……And I got ran over.

Light travels faster than sound……Which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak.

Mary Trump's Book Breaks Record with Huge Sales Looks like a lot of people want to read about the president’s psychological backstory. Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Man by Mary L. Trump has set a first-day sales record for Simon & Schuster, the publisher announced on Thursday. The memoir about life in the Trump family and its effects on the psyche of the current commander in chief sold 950,000 copies on Tuesday, the book’s first day of sales, the publisher said in a release. That includes per-sale orders of all formats. “Too Much and Never Enough” has entered the national conversation in a way that few books ever do, becoming a cultural phenomenon and must-read for anyone seeking to understand the singular family dynamic that produced the most powerful man in the world today. “It is at once a revealing psychological portrait and a work of historic importance,” Simon & Schuster chief executive Jonathan Karp said in a statement. Resale and first-day sales numbers are higher now than ever before – and more important to a book’s trajectory, akin to opening-weekend box-office numbers for movies. Online per-orders have become an essential element of publishers’ sales plans. Previous big sellers for S&S include Bob Woodward’s September 2018 effort Fear: Trump in the White House, which notched 750,000 copies in per-sale and first-day sales combined. At the time, Fear was the biggest per-seller in the publisher’s history. Highly anticipated fiction has sold better than headline-making nonfiction in the past, with Dan Brown’s novel “The Lost Symbol” hitting 1 million in first-day sales in 2009. And Trump simply cannot compete with Voldemort. In 2007, J.K. Rowling’s “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows,” the seventh and final book in the best-selling “Harry Potter” series, sold 8.3 million copies by the end of its first day on the market.

Drill Sergeant A US Marine drill Sergeant delivers a severe reprimand to a cadet. Then he smiled coyly and said to the cadet, “I guess when I die, you’ll dance on my grave.” The cadet shook his head. “Not me, Sarge. I promised myself that when I got out of the Army, I will never stand in another line.”

Castration The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need...a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head: "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

14 Signs Your Online Relationship Is Not Working Out You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialling in from Langley, VA. You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man. Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere." After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45,000 points. "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again." Your cyberlover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 10 List. Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by. You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her sexual play. You can barely make out your SO's face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats. He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company. Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com has become cold and distant. She's suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian.com The Solicitor General launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious "tubby@whitehouse.gov" In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.

Asleep In A Grave A man missed his bus and decided to walk home. He had journeyed several miles when night began to fall. Stumbling exhausted into a cemetery, the man laid down on the grass, rolled over, then slid into an open grave. The next morning, a blonde arrived at the cemetery and, just as she approached the grave-site, she heard a voice murmur, "I'm soooo cold!" Staring down into the grave, she replied: "Well no wonder, you poor thing. You kicked off all your dirt."

Art Thief An art thief once stole some very expensive paintings from the Louvre in Paris. He took two Van Goghs, a couple Monets, a DeGas, and some other paintings. Everything went perfectly, except he was captured sitting in his van with the paintings only 2 blocks from the museum. His van had run out of fuel! When asked by the police how he could plan such a successful robbery and then be foiled by such a simple error, he replied: 'I had no MONET to buy DEGAS to make the VAN GOGH!'

The easiest time to add insult to injury is……When you’re signing someone’s cast.

What do you call a pig that’s been arrested for dangerous driving……A road hog.

I Just burned 2,000 calories……That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

I always take life with a grain of salt……And a slice of lemon……And a shot of tequila.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common……Same middle name.

Russian dolls are so full of themselves.

What was the first animal in space……The cow that jumped over the moon.