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Mon, what does the stork do once he’s delivered the baby……He lies on the couch, drinks beer, watches TV, burps and farts all day long.

I ask, why do you look so sad……He said, I wanted to drown my worries but my wife didn’t want to go in the water……

A scientific study discovered that women with extra weight……Usually live longer than men who point it out.

Why I don’t trust joggers……Well, they are usually the ones to find the dead bodies.

My wife whispered in my ear today that she’s not wearing any underwear……Oh boy, now she’s already growing forgetful.

Best Position for Prayer Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one. "No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Gentlemen," he interrupted, "the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole…………"

Not Genuine Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and planned for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognised as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodelling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So, he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden: "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

A Tricky Question A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over. The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is. "Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse." "What kind of question?" the neighbour asks. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," says the neighbour. "You just say, 'Of course I will'." "Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I MEANT to say. But what came OUT was, 'Of course I do'."

Spiritual Preparedness Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you're prepared for it?" "I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests." "I don't mean that," the deacon replied. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?" "Oh sure," came the reply: "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

Medical Puns Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein. PMS jokes aren’t funny; period. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now. I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes. I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up. Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes. URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.' There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass. He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart. I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose……would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Childhood is when you go to the toilet in the night and then you run back and jump in your bed, glad that the monster under the bed didn’t get you……Adulthood is when the monster lies in the bed next to you.

At a medical check-up: Do you do dangerous sports……Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife.

Do I lose when the police officer says papers……I say scissors

My wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again……I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.

Google request……How to disable auto-correct in wife?

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage……We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

What to give a man who’s got everything……A woman, she’ll tell him how everything works.

My husband and I had very happy twenty years……After that we met.

Where do fish sleep……In the RiverBed.

A boss announces to his staff: I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee.....A voice in the background says: I’m offering $300!