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uk666

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Everything posted by uk666

  1. Best Of Friends A rather reticent young girl was asked how she got on with her new boyfriend. "Let's just say my legs are my best friends," she replied mysteriously. "Oh, come on," said her mate. "What does that mean?" "It means he came on too strong so I walked home." A few weeks later the two friends were talking and the girl's mate asked her how her new date went on the previous night. "Pretty much as before," she replied. "My legs are my best friends." Time went by and on the third time they met up, the girl looked radiantly happy. "You're looking well," commented her mate. "Something's doing you good." "Oh yes," replied the girl. "I've met this wonderful bloke and let's just say even the best of friends must part."
  2. uk666

    Close The Case

    Close The Case A young couple bought a parrot, but quickly discovered that he could cause them a lot of embarrassment. Every time someone came to the house, he would tell them what the couple had been up to, particularly what went on in the evenings on the sofa. "That's it, I've had enough," said the man, "from now on, you'll be covered up early in the evening so you can't see what's going on. Otherwise, it's the zoo for you." A few days later, the couple decided to go away for a week's holiday so they spent the evening packing and of course filled the suitcase to overflowing. "I've got an idea," said the man. "I'll get on top, press down as much as I can and you can tell me what's happening." But the case wouldn't close. "This is no good," remarked the wife. "Here, let me have a go, I'll get on top and we'll see if it's any better." Still they couldn't get the case to close, so the man said, "Let's both get on top, bounce up and down and maybe that'll work." Suddenly the parrot pulled off the cage cover and squawked: "I'll take my chances at the zoo, but this I've just got to see?"
  3. uk666

    Deposition

    Deposition The judge turned to the farmer and said, "Mr Brown, you are in this court to claim damages against this truck driver, for the awful injuries you claim you sustained at the time of the accident. And yet, Mr Brown, at the scene of the accident you were heard, in front of two reliable witnesses, to say to the policeman that you'd never felt better when he asked how you felt. Kindly explain this if your injuries were as severe as you now state in your deposition." "It's like this, your honour" replied the farmer. "At the time of the accident the policeman went over to my dog, hearing it whimper seeing and it was badly injured, he shot it. Then he went over to my two cows and when he saw they had broken legs, he shot them as well. So, when he came and asked me how I felt, I thought it was a good idea to tell him I'd never felt better."
  4. uk666

    Fish Tale

    Fish Tale Mike went fishing one day, but at the end he had not caught a single fish. On the way back home, he stopped at a fish store. “I want to buy three trout, please,” he said to the owner. “But instead of putting them in a bag, can you throw them to me one at a time?” “Throw them? Why do you want me to do that?” the owner asked. Mike replied: “So I can tell everyone that I caught three fish!”
  5. Joining The Police Alisdair Biggar, a 5-foot 2-inch Scotsman, applied to join to the New York City police force. The inspector glared at him and asked, 'How would you disperse a large, unruly crowd?' 'Well,' replied Alisdair thoughtfully: 'I'm no too sure how ye do it here in New York, but back home we just pass the hat around, and they soon begin to shuffle off.'
  6. Standing Ovation A speaker, who was less than modest, was booked to address an audience at a university. About two hours before she was supposed to speak, a couple of student jokers, loaded all the folding chairs from the auditorium into a truck and drove off. No one knew about this until the audience began to arrive for the lecture. It was too late to do anything about it, and the audience had to stand throughout her talk. That evening she wrote a letter to her mother: “It was a tremendous success. Hours before I got there, every seat in the house was taken, and I was given a standing ovation throughout my speech."
  7. Rare Nike Shoes Fetch More Than $400,000 A rare pair of Nike's "Moon Shoe" has broken the world auction record for a pair of sneakers, according to New York auction house Sotheby's. A pair of 1972 running shoes, one of the first pairs made by Nike, has sold for $437,500 (£359,710) shattering the record for a pair of trainers at public auction. The so-called Nike “Moon Shoe,” designed by Nike co-founder and track coach Bill Bowerman for runners at the 1972 Olympics trials, was the top lot in the first-ever auction dedicated to sneakers at Sotheby’s auction house in New York. Sotheby’s said the price was a world auction record for a pair of running shoes. The buyer was Canadian investor and car collector Miles Nadal, who paid $850,000 for 99 other pairs of rare or limited collection sneakers offered by Sotheby’s. The highest previous price fetched at public auction for sneakers was $190,373 in California in 2017 for a pair of signed Converse shoes said to have been worn by Michael Jordan in the 1984 Olympic basketball final, Sotheby’s said. Sotheby’s, better known for selling art works fetching tens of millions of dollars, teamed up with streetwear marketplace Stadium Goods to auction 100 pairs of the rarest sneakers ever produced in a venture that reflects their fast-growing status as collectibles. The handmade “Moon Shoe,” with a waffle sole pattern, was one of only 12 pairs ever made and the pair that were auctioned on Tuesday are the only ones known to exist in an unworn condition, Sotheby’s said. Nadal, the founder of investment firm Peerage Capital, said in a statement he was thrilled at his purchase, calling the “Moon Shoe” a “true historical artefact in sports history and pop culture”. “I think sneaker culture and collecting is on the verge of a breakout moment,” he added, saying he plans to display them, along with the other 99 pairs he acquired in a private sale last week, at his private automobile museum in Toronto. Nadal’s haul included 2011 and 2016 versions of the Back to the Future Part II limited-edition shoes by Nike that were inspired by the 1989 film starring Michael J Fox. Noah Wunsch, global head of eCommerce at Sotheby’s, said the sneaker auction brought together art, culture and fashion.
  8. Mother Not Home A travelling salesman rings this doorbell. 10-year-old little Johnny opens, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says: "What do you think?"
  9. Solitary Confinement A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone. The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of Scotch whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away. The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it. The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him. One year later, the doors are all unlocked. The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning. The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure. When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself. To their surprise, he walks right out the door and asks: 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'
  10. Is this the 'perfect' wildlife photo? Bald Eagle. Photo: Kevin Ebi. Professional Honourable Mention: A bald eagle and red fox tussle over a rabbit in San Juan Island national historical park, Washington. 2019 An eagle carrying a rabbit 'carrying' a fox, a red-winged black bird's inspired song and a sage-grouse bird battle are among the exceptional photos that won Audubon's Photography Awards for 2019. The winning images were selected from more than 2,200 entries from the United States and Canada and are an exceptional show of the wonder and beauty of birds. "Birds make fascinating subjects, as the winners and honourable mentions of this year’s contest make clear," the organisers explain. "They’re at once beautiful and resilient, complex and comical. It's no wonder why we love them so."
  11. McDonald's paper straws - cannot be recycled McDonald’s has been accused of pulling a ‘silly stunt’ after leaked memos revealed their new ‘eco friendly’ paper straws are not recyclable. Last year, it axed plastic straws, even though they were recyclable, in all its UK branches as part of a green drive. But the US fast food giant says the new paper straws are not yet easy to recycle and should be put into general waste. McDonald's says the materials are recyclable, but their thickness makes it difficult for them to be processed. The firm switched from plastic straws to paper ones in its restaurants in the UK and Republic of Ireland last autumn. But some customers were unhappy with the new straws, saying they dissolved before a drink could be finished, with milkshakes particularly hard to drink. "As a result of customer feedback, we have strengthened our paper straws, so while the materials are recyclable, their current thickness makes it difficult for them to be processed by our waste solution providers, who also help us recycle our paper cups," a McDonald's spokesman said. The firm said it was working to find a solution, and that current advice, as first reported by The Sun, to put paper straws in general waste was therefore temporary. "This waste from our restaurants does not go to landfill, but is used to generate energy," the company added. The restaurant chain uses 1.8 million straws a day in the UK, so the move to paper was a significant step in helping to reduce single-use plastic. Some single-use plastic products can take hundreds of years to decompose if not recycled.This McDonald's move to paper straws followed a successful trial in selected restaurants earlier in 2018. In April 2018, the UK government proposed a ban on plastic straws and cotton buds in England. Most straws are made from plastics such as polypropylene and polystyrene, which unless recycled, take hundreds of years to decompose. Friends of the Earth's Julian Kirby said: "For too long the debate has been stuck on recycling and how to deal with waste once it is created. We should be thinking about how to avoid waste creation. "Lips have been a waste-free alternative to straws for millions of years." One foodie was so outraged they started a petition to bring back the plastic ones. In the months since its creation, more than 50,000 people have added their signature.
  12. Elizabeth Taylor's "Green Goddess" Rolls-Royce is going on sale at a New York auction. Synonymous with Hollywood glamour and style, Elizabeth Taylor's life off-screen became as famed as her on-screen exploits. Now, the Oscar-winning star's custom-built convertible car, nicknamed "the Green Goddess" is expected to fetch up to $2 million at a New York auction. According to New York auction house Guernsey's, which will host the sale next week, Taylor ordered the Rolls-Royce Silver Cloud II Drophead following her marriage to singer Eddie Fisher. The car was painted a unique shade of "smoke green" at her request - a shade to match the green wedding dress she wore to marry Fisher. Known by her fans as the "Green Goddess", the car was delivered to The Pierre Hotel, where Taylor was living in New York, at Christmas. In 1962 Taylor travelled to Rome to start filming for the big-budget epic "Cleopatra", where she was cast in the starring role -- travelling with husband Fisher and "the Green Goddess" in tow. On the set of "Cleopatra", Taylor began a love affair with co-star Richard Burton; according to Guernsey's, Burton was spotted driving the car on several occasions in 1963. A year later, Taylor divorced Fisher and married Burton in what would become one of Hollywood's most tumultuous romances. She kept the car for around 20 years, before taking out an advert in the Wall Street Journal to sell the vehicle. Bought and kept by a Californian fan for four decades, the car, which has been refurbished with a new top and leather seats, has only 40,000 miles on the clock, and "drives as a Silver Cloud should," according to Guernsey's. On August 6th, at 7:30 p.m. EST, Guernsey’s will offer the Rolls-Royce for sale during a two-vehicle auction. With fewer than 40,000 miles on its odometer and in fine working condition, the Rolls-Royce—were it not previously owned and commissioned by Elizabeth Taylor, might sell for $600,00. Because of its Hollywood provenance, however, this rare and indisputable one-of-a-kind drophead coupe is estimated to command as much as $2 million when it rolls across the block.
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