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Everything posted by uk666

  1. uk666

    The Shit List

    The Shit List Ghost Shit You know you've done a shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but none in the toilet. Teflon Shit Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of shit on the paper. You have to look in the toilet to make sure you did something. Glue Shit This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it's still not clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your jocks so that you don't stain them. This kind of shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet. Second Thought Shit You're all done wiping, and you're about to stand up when you realise....you've got more. Pop A Vein In Your Head Shit The kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come out till you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard. Weight Watchers Shit You shit so much, you lose several kilos. Right Now Shit You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually it has its head out before you can get your pants down. King Kong Shit (or Choker) This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually occurs at someone else's house. Cork Shit (or Floater) Even after the third flush it's still floating in the bowl. Wet Cheek Shit (or Splashdown) This shit hits the water sideways and makes a big splash that gets you all wet. Wish Shit You sit there all cramped up in the foetal position and fart a few times, but no shit in sight. Sometimes called a political shit, since there's a lot of hot air and no result. Brick Shit You wish you had a spinal anaesthetic before you attempted this one. Snake Shit This shit is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least a metre long. Beer and Pizza Shit This happens the day after the night before. Most of the time your shit doesn't smell so bad but this one is BAD... and usually this one happens at someone else's house, with someone waiting outside to come in next. Ring of Fire Shit (or Screamer) The one that happens after you've eaten seriously hot, spicy food. You will know it's safe to eat again when your arse stops burning.
  2. uk666

    Frog Noise

    Frog Noise A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grampa's room. "Grampa, Grampa," he says excitedly, "as soon as grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said his grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland!!!"
  3. uk666


    Parliament A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on a toll way in Bangkok nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped all the Members of Parliament and they're asking for a ฿100 million ransom! Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks. "Roughly 2 to 5 litres.
  4. uk666

    The Widow

    The Widow A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked. “Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "my name is Katz?"
  5. uk666

    Catholic Golf

    Catholic Golf A Catholic priest and a nun were enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said “Sh!t, I missed.” The good Sister told him to watch his language On his next swing, he missed again. “Sh!t, I missed.” “Father, I’m not going to play with you if you keep swearing,” the nun said tartly. The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed. Sister is really mad now and says, “Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that.” On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. “Sh!t, I missed.” A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. And from the sky comes a booming voice. “Sh!t, I missed.”
  6. Black Panties‏ Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies: 'Mum, I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Blue Mountains. Their first night there, she undresses ....as he does... there she stood nude except for a pair of Black Panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: 'Why the black panties? She replies: 'You can fondle me, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.' He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom. She looks at him and asks: 'What's with this black condom?' He replies: 'I want to offer my deepest condolences'
  7. Scottish Pub Quiz "And the final question to win the £100 is: - "The title of Take That's first album consisted of four words, the first two words were "Take That", what other two words complete the title? There was a long pause then…. A wee Glesga man stands up and says: Was it - "Ya B*stard"...?
  8. Forgiving Your Enemies Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," she replied. "Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived all the bitches."
  9. uk666

    Like A Virgin

    Like A Virgin Maria had just gotten married, and being an old-style Italian, she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous. Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.' So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, ‘Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.' 'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.' So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!' 'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.' So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!' Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.' 'This is a job for Mama!'
  10. Ten Classical Bumper Stickers I’m not driving fast-just flying low. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. I brake for… Wait… Aaah! No brakes!!!! If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer. If you can read this, please flip me back over. Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done. I’m out of bed and driving, what more do you want? Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it. I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit. I haven’t lost my mind, it’s backed up on disk somewhere.
  11. uk666


    Chemist A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asked his assistant. "He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives”. “you are an idiot" said the chemist "You can't treat a cough with laxatives" "Of course, you can" the assistant replied, "Look at him, he's too scared to cough now!"
  12. uk666

    Chicken Farmer

    Chicken Farmer A chicken farmer went to a local bar…. Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, ‘How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!’ ‘What a coincidence’ the farmer says. ‘This is a special day for me…. I am celebrating’ ‘This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!’ says the woman. ‘What a coincidence!’ says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, ‘What are you celebrating?’ ‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!’ ‘What a coincidence,’ says the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.’ ‘That’s great!’ says the woman. ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’ ‘I used a different c*ck,’ he replied. The woman smiled and said, ‘What a coincidence.’
  13. uk666

    Miracle Grow

    Miracle Grow A husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt! The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little cloud appeared when he shook them out, he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear? ‘She replied 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!
  14. uk666

    My Neighbour

    My Neighbour This is my neighbour She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door... and I rushed to open it. She looks at me, and said, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?" I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!" Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
  15. Arrested For Laughing A young Woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat & he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more, she filed a court case on him. In the court the Man’s defence was: “When the lady boarded the bus, I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read ‘Coming Soon - The unknown boon’ I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: ‘William’s stick did the trick’.” “Then I could not control myself any longer, when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: ‘Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.’