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Everything posted by uk666

  1. uk666

    Bye Bye

    Bye Bye One evening father passed his daughter’s bedroom and heard her saying her prayers. Smiling to himself, he stopped to listen and heard her say. “God bless mummy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandpa, bye bye Grandma.” How odd, thought father, but he didn’t want his daughter to know he’d been listening so he didn’t say anything to her. But tragically, next day Grandma collapsed and died. A few months went by and one evening father heard his daughter praying again. “God bless mummy, God bless daddy, bye bye Grandpa.“ No, it couldn’t mean anything thought father apprehensively. But next morning they received a telegram to say that Grandpa had passed away in his sleep! The household got back to normal and almost a year passed before father heard his daughter again. “God bless mummy, bye bye daddy.” Absolutely panic-stricken, father stayed up all night, too frightened to sleep in case he didn’t wake up. The next morning he walked to work instead of taking the car, in case there was an accident, and spent the day at his desk doing very little but worrying. When he got home that evening he collapsed into a chair, his nerves in pieces, and told his wife all about the nightmare day that he’d had. She replied, You’re not the only one to have had a bad day. This morning when I opened the front door I found the gasman, dead on our front doorstep.
  2. The Car Parked Puzzle In what number parking space is the car parked in puzzle. This viral brain teaser was said to have been part of an elementary school admission test for 6-year-olds in Hong Kong. And the best part of that story – the kids were said to have had only 20 seconds to solve it!!! So can you figure out the number of the parking spot? A 6-year-old boy manages to solve this puzzle in less than 20 seconds. Can you? The Answer:
  3. A Husbands Moment Of Realization A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he gestured for her to come nearer. As she sat close to him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were with me. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" “What dear?” she asks, looking at him with love in her eyes. "I think you bring me bad luck."
  4. How To Fit 10 Horses In 9 Stables Puzzle There are ten horses in a field. They each have a stable. There was a storm one day and struck one of the stables, the stable burned. There are now nine stables. Every horse has to go in a stable at night. You cannot build another stable and you cannot fit 2 horses in one stable. Answer Did you figure it out on my own? Tell us in the section below!
  5. Childhood Sweethearts An elderly couple, childhood sweethearts, had married and settled down in the old neighbourhood, and were celebrating their fiftieth anniversary. They walked down the street to their old school. They held hands as they found the old desk where he had carved "I love you Sally." On the way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured truck, practically at their feet. She picked it up, but they didn't know what to do with it, so they took it home. When she counted the money, it was fifty thousand dollars. The husband said, "We have to return this to the rightful owners." She said, "no, finders keepers!" and put the money back in the bag, and hid it in the attic. The next day two FBI agents were going door to door in the neighbourhood looking for the lost bag, and showed up in their home. The men asked if either of them found the money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday. She replied, "No." The husband said, "She's lying, it hidden up in the attic." She whispered to them, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." The agents sat the man down and began to question him. One said, "Tell us the whole story from the beginning." The old man began, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..." The FBI guy looked at his partner and said, "Let's get out of here."
  6. Who knew Father's Day wasn't always so happy? This Sunday, families across the world will mark the special bond between fathers and their children. For many, this is often done through the giving of gifts and cards. Others prefer to enjoy a meal and quality time. While sometimes criticised as being a commercial event, its roots are more historic than many people think. While your dad probably enjoys being showered with gifts and love on this special day that was not the case with the average dad, back when the day was first created, over 100 years ago. In fact, the history of Father’s Day is quite long and controversial. Mother’s Day actually came first (it was celebrated as far back as the 1860s and declared a national holiday in 1914) and paved the way for Father’s Day. The history of Father’s Day goes back to 1908 when a church in West Virginia held a sermon to honour 362 men who were killed the previous year in a coal-mining explosion. This was the country’s first ever event to strictly honour fathers, but it was just a one-and-done thing. Nothing really came of it. The following year, however, a woman named Sonora Smart Dodd started her quest to establish Father’s Day as a national holiday. Dodd was one of six raised by her single father and thought fathers should be honoured the same way as mothers. After a year of petitioning her local community and government, Dodd’s home state of Washington celebrated its first official Father’s Day on June 19, 1910. Over the years, the celebration of Father’s Day spread from state to state and, after a long fight, it was finally declared a national holiday in 1972 when President Nixon signed it into law. It took more than 60 years from the birth of the idea to Father’s Day actually being recognized as a federal holiday and a lot sure did happen in that time. According to History.com, in the 1920s and 1930s, there was a national movement to get rid of both Mother’s and Father’s Day and replace them with one “Parent’s Day.” Beyond that, some men didn’t even want a Father’s Day to begin with. Some saw it as a “Hallmark” holiday invented for the sole purpose of a commercial gimmick. Others saw it as an attempt by society to squash manliness. Today, Father’s Day is celebrated worldwide on different days. For example, in Europe, the United States, and the majority of other countries, the holiday is celebrated on the third Sunday of June. In South America, March 19 is Father’s Day. In Australia and Fiji, it falls on the first Sunday in September. Father's Day falls on Sunday 17th June 2018 so let us make sure Dad is treated to a unique Father's Day present!
  7. 12 Inspirational Quotes On Father's Day HAPPY FATHER'S DAY 2018 To All Dad Every-Way
  8. Performance Evaluations "Quotes" [allegedly] taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations... Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity I would not allow this employee to breed This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle This young lady has delusions of adequacy He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot This employee should go far, and the sooner the better Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier I would like to go hunting with him sometime He's been working with glue too much He would argue with a signpost He has knack for making strangers immediately He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens A prime candidate for natural deselection Donated his brain to science before he was done using it Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean One neuron short of a synapse Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead
  9. uk666

    Funny Pictures

    Little Craftsmanship
  10. The World’s Biggest Lies The check is in the mail. People remember your birthday. I'll respect you in the morning. There is a single in your area that wants to talk to you. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you. You have to either support something or be against it. It's only a cold sore. Your browsers "do not track" prevents websites from tracking you. You get this one, I'll pay next time. LOL - No, you didn’t. Your facial muscles probably barely twitched. My wife doesn't understand me. Adware falsified your husbands/wife internet history. Trust me, I'll take care of everything. Yes, I am over 18 years old. Of course I love you. I have read and accepted the terms and conditions. I am getting a divorce. Microsoft wants remote access to your computer so that they can remove a virus. Drinking? Why, no, Officer. Vaccines cause autism. I never inhaled. All your friends have amazing lives. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing. You will make a difference by signing that online petition. I never watch television except for PBS. Your academic achievements matter. ...But we can still be good friends. Your parents will support you whatever you do. She means nothing to me. Click here to claim your prize. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty." Your school bully will end up in a worse job than you will. I gave at the office. Sorry my phone was on silent. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone. I don’t care about your past. I'll call you later. You look good in everything. We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year. We're almost there. Read my lips: no new taxes. Television gives you square eyes. I've never done anything like this before. I am not a crook Now, I'm going to tell you the truth. It's supposed to make that noise. Yes, I did. Please accept this enormous wooden horse as a token of peace. Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile.
  11. Ernest Shackleton Quiz A quiz on what you know about Ernest Shackleton and his voyages to Antarctica. 1. In which country was Ernest Shackleton born? England Ireland Scotland Wales 2. Shackleton first went to Antarctica in what year? 1901 1907 1914 1917 3. How close did Shackleton get to the South Pole on his own expedition in 1909? 907 miles 409 miles 97 miles 17 miles 4. What was the name of the ship on Shackleton's own first Antarctic expedition? Discovery Terra Nova Endurance Nimrod 5. What was Shackleton trying to do on the Endurance Expedition? Reach the South Pole Cross Antarctica from coast to coast via the South Pole Sail right around Antarctica Climb the highest mountain in Antarctica 6. How was the ship Endurance lost? Crushed by moving pack ice Hit an ice berg Ran aground on rocks 7. Who was Mrs. Chippy? The ships cook The ships carpenters wife One of the sled dogs The ships cat 8. What was the name of the first land that the Endurance crew reached after more than a year? South Georgia South Orkneys Elephant Island Brabant Island 9. What was unusual about Perce Blackborow on the Endurance? He had a pet parrot He was the only ever stow-away on an Antarctic expedition He was the only member of the crew who wasn't English He was the only member of the crew who hadn't been to Antarctica before 10. Shackleton and 5 others set off to get rescue for the rest of the crew, where did they go to? South Georgia South Orkneys Elephant Island Brabant Island How many did you figure out? Tell us in the section below!
  12. What men’s and Women’s Personal ads - Really Means (WARNING - Very Crude) What men’s Personal ads - Really Means 40-ish: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old. Athletic: Watches a lot of NASCAR. Average looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back. Educated: Will patronise you all the time. Free Spirit: Will be hitting on your sister. Friendship first: As long as friendship involves nookie. Fun: Good with a remote and a six pack. Good looking: Arrogant. Very good looking: Dumb as a board. Honest: Pathological Liar. Huggable: Overweight, more body hair than a bear. Likes to cuddle: Insecure mama's boy. Mature: Older than your father. Open-minded: Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested. Physically fit: Does a lot of 12-ounce curls. Poet: Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall. Sensitive: Cries at chick flicks. Very sensitive: Gay. Spiritual: Got laid in a cemetery once. Stable: Arrested for stalking, but not convicted. Thoughtful: Says "Excuse me" when he farts. Smooth manner: Bald as a badger. Sophisticated: Arrogant. Hard worker: Calloused hands and filthy, broken nails. Music lover: Wears Walkman 24/7. 6 feet tall: 5 feet 4" with shoe lifts. Well-built: Massive. Mature: Geriatric. Organised: Just out of prison. Home-loving: Too mean to go out. Young at heart: Old git. What Women’s Personal ads - Really Means Seeks knight in shining armour: Husband has run off with younger model. Adventurous: Has slept with all your mates. Old-fashioned: Lights out, missionary position only. Redhead: Bad dye-job. Enjoys pubbing and clubbing: Alcoholic. Wild: Gets pissed easily. Beautiful eyes: Face like a robber’s dog. Athletic: Fat chested. Beautiful: Pathological liar. Contagious smile: Does a lot of prescription drugs. Educated: Been shagged off by everybody at college. Emotionally secure: On medication. Feminist: Obese. 40-ish: 49. Free spirit: Heroin addict. Friendship first: Loose morals . Fun: Irritating. Gentle: Boring. Good listener: Autistic. Large lady: Abnormal obese. Looking for soul mate: Stalker. New Age: Excessive body hair. Open-minded: Desperate. Outgoing: loud and embarrassing. Passionate: Sloppy drunk. Poetic: Depressive. Professional: Truly awful bitch. Romantic: Frigid. Sociable: No shyness about farting loudly at social gatherings. Voluptuous: Very fat. Widow: Murderer. Headstrong: Argumentative. Young at heart: Old bat.
  13. Black Ice Cream, The Perfect Match For Your Dark Soul Little Damage Ice Cream Shop, California came up with an almond-charcoal flavoured soft serve that not only tastes sinful but actually looks totally pitch black! You can choose to have it served in a black cone, top it with rainbow sprinkles and other treats, or even mix it with other flavours. It’s an mouth-watering treat from the Dark Side that looks sinfully good! Enjoy:
  14. What our pets write in their diaries Excerpts from a Dog's Diary... 8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing! 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing! 5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favourite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favourite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing! Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary... Day 983 of my captivity... My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
  15. How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb? GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you are inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? TIBETAN TERRIER: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy! JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. POODLE: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. DOBERMAN: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. BOXER: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark...... CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.... POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.... GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares? AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.. OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb? HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z ROTTWEILER: Make me. CATS: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light? ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF...
  16. Women's T-Shirt Sayings Don't tick me off... I'm running out of places to hide the bodies! Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares? I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. I hate everybody, and you're next. Please don't make me kill you. And your point is...? I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later. You KNOW you want me. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? I'm multi-talented: I can talk and tick you off at the same time. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. All stressed out and no one to choke. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. How can I miss you if you won't go away? Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear. I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.