Jump to content

uk666

Super Mod
  • Content Count

    7,143
  • Donations

    $0.00 
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    293

Everything posted by uk666

  1. You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...... Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. Instant coffee takes too long. People get dizzy just watching you. Some farmer in Colombia names his donkey after you. Starbucks gives you your own parking spot. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." You answer the door before people knock. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You can play the “Minute Waltz” in 38 seconds. You can't even remember your second cup. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. You don't get mad, you get steamed. You don't sweat, you percolate. You don't tan, you roast. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You have a tattoo that says, “Born to Brew.” You watch videos in fast-forward. You haven’t yawned since 2016. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You lick your coffeepot clean. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." You ski uphill. You sleep with your eyes open. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. You speed walk in your sleep. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. Your favourite coffee shop has a day in your honour. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hook-up. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. Your nicknames for your kids are “Star” and “Buck.” Your Thermos is on wheels. Your three favourite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend." You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. You've worn out the handle on your favourite mug. You've worn the finish off your coffee table. You introduce your spouse as your coffee-mate.
  2. Employee Benefits A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay. She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years’ salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums." "I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied. The woman shrugged her shoulders and said: "The company went bankrupt."
  3. If a child refuses to nap……Are they guilty of resisting a rest.
  4. Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant? Because he got cold feet.
  5. Man goes into a shop, do you sell helicopter crisps……Shopkeeper, sorry, we only sell plane ones.
  6. What do elves learn in school……The elf-abet.
  7. What do you call a person with a briefcase in a tree……A branch manager.
  8. A company is making glass coffins……Whether they’re successful remains to be seen.
  9. What does a sheep dog and bra have in common……They round them up and point them in the right direction.
  10. uk666

    Your Last Day Working

    Your Last Day Working You know it's your last day at work when: You noticed the co-workers measuring your office when your arrived at work. A very large paper recycling box was placed next to your file cabinets. You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox. The Security guard made a complete inventory of you work area. When the boss asked you if you believe in life after death, because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. And it's his wife. The receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on you. The LAN suddenly began backing-up your computer every 10 minutes. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out. Your assistant began responding to your memos with, "Yeah, whatever." You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?". Three people began helping you write a "desk manual" for your job. You wake up hung-over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party. The company new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of you.
  11. uk666

    Bull

    Bull A rancher needs to buy a bull to service his cows but has to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased, “The bull serviced all my cows twice, then broke through the fence and serviced all my neighbour’s cows three times.” “Wow,” says the banker, “What did the vet do to that bull?” “Just gave me some pills to give him,” replied the farmer. “What kind of pills?” asked the banker. “I don’t know,” says the farmer: “but they sort of taste like chocolate.”.
  12. Roadside Juggling A state trooper pulled a car over for speeding. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler on his way to do a show and didn’t want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him, then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. The juggler told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle, so the trooper grabbed some flares from his trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper lit five flares and handed them to the juggler. While the man was juggling, another car pulled in behind the patrol car. The other car’s driver got out and watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door, and got in. Observing this, the trooper went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked what he thought he was doing. The man replied: “You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain’t no way I’m gonna pass that sobriety test.”
×