ghostxdreams2

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all." "Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. "If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common? The older they get the easier they are to pick up. ========================================================================== Why is it estimated that only 99 percent of all people masturbate? The other 1% were either taking the poll or answering the door! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ What has a woman got in common with a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken? Once you get past the tender breast and the juicy thigh, all you're left with is a greasy box

The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said, "It's my turn." "What do you mean, your turn?" yelled the husband. "In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it's my turn

A straight guy and a gay are in the men's room and the straight guy has his shirt unbuttoned exposing a heavy coat of chest hair. The gay asked how he came to have so much hair on his chest. He said, "I put Vaseline on it every night." That night the gay put Vaseline on his chest and went to bed. His partner George said, "What in the hell is that?" "It's to grow hair." he replied. "Bull shit!" said George. "If Vaseline grew hair...I'd have tail a mile long!

After having failed his exam, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it. Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?” Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!” Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the Exam.” Professor: “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?” Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?” Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed. Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question. He immediately answers: “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 17 Year old lover, which is logical but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical.”

http://news.yahoo.com/scariest-usb-hack-time-almost-completely-undetectable-192433864.html The scariest USB hack of all-time is almost completely undetectable When you plug a USB stick into your laptop, you probably aren’t too worried about it completely taking over your computer. However, Ars Technica reports that researchers at Security Research Labs in Berlin are scheduled to unveil a new exploit at the Black Hat conference in Las Vegas next week that will allow an infected USB stick to take over your computer and use it to execute malicious code. The researchers have found a way to hack USB sticks so that once you plug them into your computer, it can make your machine “act as a network card that causes connected computers to connect to malicious sites impersonating Google, Facebook or other trusted destinations.” And this technique doesn’t just work with standard USB sticks but also with Android phones, cameras, keyboards and pretty much any device you can connect to your machine through a USB port. “If you put anything into your USB, it extends a lot of trust,” Karsten Nohl, Security Research Labs’ chief scientist, explained to Ars. “Whatever it is, there could always be some code running in that device that runs maliciously. Every time anybody connects a USB device to your computer, you fully trust them with your computer. It’s the equivalent of [saying] ‘here’s my computer; I’m going to walk away for 10 minutes. Please don’t do anything evil.” Worst of all, this sort of malicious activity is almost impossible to detect through conventional means, as virus scans done with machines infected via the USB exploit will turn up nothing. The researchers have found that the only way to effectively figure out whether a device is infected is to take it apart and reverse engineer it.

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'. She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

An English taxidermist is sweating his way through the Australian outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer swilling locals and in his well educated voice asks the bartender, "May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man." One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what kind of a f-king man's drink is that?" Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you, you f-king Pom! Gin and f-king tonic -- are you some f-king kind of a poofter or something?" "Ac...actually," the englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a taxidermist." "Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist then?" "I mount d..d..dead animals." "It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "He's one of us!"

They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!

ant it the truth just ask the ole lady jezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz lol

Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his hand. "Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the last 5 years?" "Honey, let me explain..." "Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -" "Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids."

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse. He heard some noise, so he looked inside, and lo and behold there was an Indian down in the hole. The cowboy said, "How long have you been down there?" The Indian replied, "Many moons."

A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette." The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. "I'll show you how." He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American. "That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette." "Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."

DO NOT READ You little rebel, I like you.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?' Happy Mental Health Day!

http://johnwilsonbach.com/2014/07/07/darkness/ hardly felt anything. Our guests said, much later, they might have felt a little tingle to the air, but nothing more than that. The kids were too busy laughing over a movie on TV to notice. My wife, deep into a conversation over a medical bill fouled up by the insurance company, didn’t feel anything either. It went dark. Completely and utterly dark. The first joke came from one of our dinner guests, a banker friend, who chided, “Maybe you forgot to pay the light bill.” A few chuckles all around. I raised my hand, pointing my finger for emphasis, “I know where the candles are. I am prepared.” By the time I made my way to the kitchen counter, my eyes had adjusted to the darkness a bit. I peeked out through the kitchen window. It seemed eerily dark outside. And still. No house lights. No street lights. A hint of moonlight. I heard a couple of theories already floating in from the dining room. “Lightning strike somewhere?” “I heard of a squirrel one time climbed up on a transformer and got zapped. Made the whole town go dark for hours.” I heard the kids complaining lightly that their movie had just gotten to the good part. I found my stash of candles and made my way back out to the dining room. Five lighted candles gave the room enough light and coziness for the conversation to continue. Discussions over medical bills and kids activities changed to childhood memories of power outages. One of our guests poked her husband in the ribs and said, “Glad we’re here! We wouldn’t know where to find candles in our house.” Another guest chimed in that he wouldn’t care about candles or movies as long as his beer stayed cold. That reminded my wife that the cold items on the table should probably be put back into the refrigerator. “I’ll help,” one of our friends offered. Turning to her husband, “Can you grab a couple of candles and light our way?” Sometime right around then the thought entered into my mind for good. It had originally jumped in right off the bat but had been chased away in my efforts at getting the candles set up. Now it was back. Electromagnetic Pulse. Politicians had talked of it, conspiracy theorists had pined on and on about getting ready for it, the general public had ignored it. I had made scant provisions. I thought to myself that if this was the event, we were screwed. Why hadn’t I listened a little more to the “What if?” side of me and made better provisions? I quietly grabbed my car keys, mumbled that I would be right back, and made my way to the door, which was open. Sitting on the front stoop was Jack, one of our guests. In all the hubbub and conversation, I hadn’t noticed him leaving the room or going outside. “Jack?” He didn’t turn to me or even look up. He just muttered something under his breath. His keys lay at his feet on the sidewalk. “Jack, you okay?” He spoke louder this time. “It’s over, John Wilson. She won’t start. None of ‘em will.” ‘What?” I feigned ignorance, as if somehow to quell my own fears beginning to well up. “Go ahead and try.” I looked over to my car parked in the driveway. The garage always managed to stay too full of stuff to park both of our cars in. My wife’s car, being the more valuable one, enjoyed the privilege. I walked resolutely, already in defeat, to my car. I reached to the remote door opener on my key chain. I hesitated and then pushed the button, waiting for the customary click of the doors unlocking. Nothing. I held the opener out and pointed it carefully toward the car. I clicked purposefully. “It won’t start, John Wilson,” I heard Jack say. “None of ‘em will.” I unlocked the front door with the key and got into my car. The dome light didn’t come on. I found the ignition switch, inserted the key, and turned it. Nothing. I looked around at all of the neighbors’ houses, looking for a light, somewhere. One electric light still burning to allay my fears. Nothing. I got out of the car, and looked at Jack. He was nodding at me, his mouth a grim line of resignation on his face. I glanced around again, looking for light. Nothing. I stood still and bowed my head and closed my eyes. I had just realized how silent it was, and it had just registered with me that of course it would be silent. There would be no cars out on the roads, no motorcycles or trucks rumbling by, no jets flying overhead. Indeed, any jets that had been up in the sky would have already fallen down to the earth. Any crew member on board, every passenger unlucky enough to have been in flight at just that moment, anyone on the ground in the way of the crash sights, thousands of crash sights, all of them would already be dead. How many jets had slammed violently into the oceans? Perhaps some were still floating as debris, the dead within, awaiting the slippery sinking into the cold depths. No one would seek them out to bring them home. I bowed my head and listened as intently as I could. I had been through this scenario briefly in my mind before. Anyone in surgery would die on the table. The backup generators wouldn’t kick in. Not with this type of EMP. I reached for my knowledge on the subject. Solar or manmade? I couldn’t remember the various theories about which type would shut everything down. I was glad it was summer so we wouldn’t freeze in our own homes. I heard some voices down the street. Down the dark street out there. Some folks were wondering aloud about the outage. Someone the other direction somewhere laughed. I wondered what was funny. I heard a door shut. Jack sighed loudly. “Did you prepare for this?” he asked. “No, not really,” I answered. “Thought about it… some.” “Yeah, me too,” he scoffed a little. “Some.” ‘Jack?” His wife came out. “Jack, are you out here?” “Yeah.’ I waved a little. “Oh hi, John Wilson. What are you guys doing? Wow! it’s so dark, even out here! Must be some outage.” “Yeah…” I agreed. “We’re starting a game of pinochle. Need two more hands for six-handed. You guys want in? We found some more candles.” She held the door open. “Ummm…” “Oh yeah, John Wilson, I forgot… the water’s out too! How can that be?” “Really?” I answered in faux surprise. “Wow, this is some outage. I don’t know.” I glanced at Jack. He closed his eyes and shook his head gently. “Yeah, honey, we’ll be right in. Just give us a second.” “Okay, sure,” she hesitated. “You guys okay?” “Oh yeah,” I lied. “Fine.” The door closed gently, and I walked over to Jack and offered my hand in a handshake. He looked at me. He looked at my hand and back at me. “Let’s give them a few more hours, Jack, what do you say?” He looked down. “They’ll find out soon enough.” He looked back up and reached out to my waiting hand and shook it. “Might as well,” he agreed. “Might as well.” On the way in I remembered how this would play out. Curiosity would lead to fear and anger and then disgust and then resignation and then desperation and then death. There would be a few, out away from the cities, who would make it. Relative to the masses, a few. Many had written on the progression of what would unfold. No fresh water, no groceries restocked on the quickly emptying shelves. No gasoline. No cars made after sometime in the 1970’s – the debate over exactly what year would now be settled – to run on the gasoline no longer available. No renewed prescriptions. After a few days, no police or fire protection. That’s when the chaos would start full-throttle. When the feral masses in the cities ran out of water and food, and ran out of places to steal it from. When no one around had anything to steal. When the migrations out into the countryside started. The violence. John Wilson had no place – no relatives, no friends – out in the country to help him. Even if he did, it was too far to walk. His house lay precisely nine miles from the heart of the city. People everywhere. Thirsty, hungry, angry people. Even a martial force would not control a million such people. He closed the door behind him and headed into the card game. He hesitated. Reaching back, he locked the door. For no reason. Think of this… since the dawn of human history… Biblically, that’s roughly 6,000 years? – Since that time, electricity has only been harnessed for somewhat over 100 of those years. About 1/60th of human history. Yet cripple it now, take it away, and most of our civilization would crumble within weeks. The civilized, the tame, the finer things, the finer people… all would become feral. The important details of today, appointments, political arguments, what movie to see… no one would care any longer. Perhaps, worst of all, no computers. No johnwilsonbach.com. Come to think of it, why are you reading this? Is there not something better to do with your time?

thxs to tech/neo/inhiway for keeping this post alive great job job guys

one of my fravs

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?”the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

A dad sees his son swatting a honeybee. He says, "For that, no honey for a month. The next day, he sees his son killing a butterfly. He says, "For that no butter for a month." The next day, he sees his wife kill a cockroach. The son says, "Dad you want to tell her or should I?"

How do elephants hide in the jungle? Paint their balls red and pretend they are cherries! What's the loudest noise in the jungle? Monkeys eating cherries...

What did the egg say to the boiling water? It will take a minute for me to get hard I just got laid by a chick

Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? -It was dead Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree? - It was stapled to the first one. Why did the third squirrel fall out of the tree? -Peer pressure

anit it the truth