ghostxdreams2

HOLY HUMOR During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths: 1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People. 2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 3.Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world. 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store. GOOD SAMARITAN A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up.." DID NOAH FISH? A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms." THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23 . She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rick was so nervous, when it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know." UNANSWERED PRAYER The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked. BEING THANKFUL A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!" ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!" SAY A PRAYER Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook. THE BIBLE Did you know that... When you carry the Bible, Satan has a headache. When you open it, he collapses. When he sees you reading it, he faints. Let's read the Bible every day so he keeps on fainting. Maybe one day he'll have a stroke and never wake up. And did you also know that when you are about to post this for others, the devil will try to discourage you, but post it anyway.

the root of every grey hair, there is a dead brain cell." Someone had to remind me, So I'm reminding you, too. Don't laugh..... It is all true! Perks of reaching 50 Or being over 60 And heading towards 70 or beyond! 1. Kidnappers are not very Interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation, You are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run -- Anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, 'Did I wake you?' 5. People no longer view you as a Hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left To learn the hard way. 7.. Things you buy now Won't wear out. 8. You can eat Supper at 4 PM. 9.. You can live without sex But not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments About pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits As a challenge. 12. You quit trying to hold Your stomach in no matter who walks Into the room. 13. You sing along With elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get Much worse. 15 . Your investment in health insurance Is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists Than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends Because they can't remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to A manageable size. 19. You can't remember Who sent you this list. And you notice these are all In big print For your convenience. Forward this to everyone You can remember Right now! AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING: Never, NEVER, NEVER , Under any circumstances, Take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on The same night!

It's Hell to be Old OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

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everyone has heard of the voice recognition software in the new cars and trucks one day a guy was driving home from work when he decided he was hungry so he says : food; voice recognition software; olive garden eating healthy is the way to go so the guy say good ideal take me to the nearest one about that time a 18 wheeler pass,s with a big sticker that says re-elect Obama change was good the guy says ya right asshole: voice recognition software:destination nearest sewerage plant 2 miles

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Stuff you didn't know you didn't know! ------------------------------------------- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. --------------------- --------- --------- ---- Coca-Cola was originally green. --------------------- --------- --------- ---- It is impossible to lick your elbow. --------------------- --------- --------- ---- The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska --------------------- --------- --------- ---- The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) --------------------- --------- --------- ---- The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% --------------- ------ --------- --------- --------- --------------- The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400 --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- The average number of people airborne over the U..S. in any given hour: 61,000 --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer. -- ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321 --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. ------ --- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'? A. One thousand --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? A. All were invented by women. --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight' --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's' --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill , they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice. --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 when... 1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. You know you want to! Go lick your elbow.

Feel like a valedictorian? I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 I said "May I have large bills, please" She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size." When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.... ~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.' This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS ~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since. ~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's. ~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' From Kingman , KS ~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. -- From Kansas City ~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Birmingham , Al ~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS ~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments. ~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less. ~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOT SIGHTING How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a" Leah?? NO Lee - A?? NOPE Lay - a?? NO Lei?? Guess Again. This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha". When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent." SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent. STAY ALERT! They walk among us.... and they VOTE

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'." "Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God. "Well", says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man." "Well, that's interesting. Show Me. " So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil. "Oh no, no, no...." interrupts God, (I love this) "Get your own dirt......."

http://youtu.be/fQhHBpPBQ5Y

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' (true story) And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally,they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says.. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouted. 'I'll do the fuin' dishes!!'

Dress Code It is advised that you come to work dressed accordingly to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise. Sick Days We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Personal Days Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. Toilet Use Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy! Lunch Break Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim milk fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. The Management

THE BLONDE MORTICIAN A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly... She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads...' (BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

Bath tub test

finally someone tells the truth about The Government http://youtu.be/XZe5iTHFjRs

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM I would have given him 100%! Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle. Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page. Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid. Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage. Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams. Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner. Q7. What looks like half an apple? *The other half. Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet. Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? *No problem, he sleeps at night. Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? *You will never find an elephant that has only one hand... Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? *Very large hands! Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built. Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crac

God is like. BAYER ASPIRIN He works miracles. God is like. A FORD He's got a better idea.. God is like. COKE He's the real thing. (This is great) God is like. HALLMARK CARDS He cares enough to send His very best. God is like. TIDE He gets the stains out others leave behind. ... God is like. GENERAL ELECTRIC He brings good things to life. God is like. WAL-MART He has everything. God is like. ALKA-SELTZER Try Him, you'll like Him God is like. SCOTCH TAPE You can't see Him, but you know He's there. God is like.. DELTA He's ready when you are. God is like. ALLSTATE You're in good hands with Him. God is like. VO-5 Hair Spray; He holds through all kinds of weather God is like. DIAL SOAP Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did? (that one is my favorite) God is like . The U.S. POST OFFICE Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination. God is like. Chevrolet. . . .the heart beat of America God is like Maxwell House. .... . Good to the very last drop God is like. B o u n t y . . . . He is the quicker picker upper. . Can handle the tough jobs. .. And He won't fall apart on you

http://youtu.be/cMRBZ8sdrns

ATTEN: i just fixed the txting and driveing problem (((notice it's a paper and pencil see fixed)))))))

no really i dont even own a cell phone lol the wife does

makeing sure that you dont get a little surprise @ the end of that poot:confused1::lol sign:

In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two things to worry about: either you get well or you die. If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell. If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry

‎'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?' - - - ... - - - - - - - - 'Firetruck