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CyberGod

THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES

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THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES pt2

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.

-All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

-The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

-All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

-It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.

-The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

-Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

-The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

-All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

-If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

-You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

-Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

-If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

-A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

-When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

-Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

-If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

-Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

-Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

-All telephone numbers in America begin with 555.

-A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

-Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

-Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

-It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

-Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

-It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

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During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

 

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

 

An electric fence powerful enough to kill a large dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

 

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war - unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

 

If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

 

Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

 

All single women have a cat.

 

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

 

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cutting - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

 

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

 

Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them

 

Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

 

Whenever a natural or man-made disater is about to occur, the hero escapes (alive) nano second before its too late and is catupulted into the air by the force- but is never harmed

 

If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

 

All Americans have phones which can reach throughout the house-even if it has a cord. If its cordless- you can pick up perfect reception all around the house...unless there is a insane killer about

 

Building ventilation ducts are always clean.

 

Any computer, anywhere, even in the jungle, can hack into the most secure goverment system.

 

Any aliens from outer space that you meet will speak your language.

 

No matter how many times you punch someone they will always come back for more - and their wounds have healed dramtically the next day

 

Grocery shopping bags are made out of brown paper and there is always enough shopping to fill two bags exactly.

 

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

 

Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.

 

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

 

Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

 

Even if you've been set up for murder, been framed and you have the whole world wide police force hunting you down, you will automatically live happliy ever after aslong as you break away from the police and kill the bad guy.

 

After witnessing a horrible crime being committed- don't call the cops, instead conduct your own Private Eye investigation.

 

In school, teachers will always be interrupted mid-sentence by the end-of-class bell.

 

Rather than wasting bullets, Megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

 

Never disarm a bomb unless it has one second left on the timer. The same goes for escaping from areas with a timed locking mechanism.

 

Always trust the most annoying person you can find because he/she will always survive.

 

If you are being chased by zombies run as fast as you can, even though they can barely walk they will still catch up with you.

 

Secret agents cannot drown because they have special lungs that allow them to breathe forever.

 

No matter how fast someone runs through the woods, the killer will be able to walk and manage to get just in front of the person as they fall or turn around.

 

All of the killers victims will fall out of trees and become visible only when the last person alive is running for their lives.

 

Being a camp counsellor at a summer camp is as good as a death sentence

 

If you try hard enough, you can outrun an explosion.

 

A cup of black coffee or a splash of cold water in the face is enough to render the most inebriated person stone cold sober.

 

If you stick your head out of cover during a gun fight, it will never be hit, especially if you look backwards to hold a conversation with someone behind you.

 

Text appearing on a computer monitor appears letter by letter and making a sound as if it was produced by a typewriter.

 

If there is a large bump in a downhill road, a speeding car will fly over it and hit the ground in shower of sparks. Unsecured passengers will not be injured, and no tire damage, broken axles, or suspension failures will occur. The car will then execute a sharp turn involving a skid.

 

If an expert makes a prediction and is disbelieved, then it will come to pass exactly as he predicted. If he makes a prediction and is believed, it won’t happen.

 

All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.

 

Cars that fly off cliffs spontaneously combust in midair for no apparent reason.

 

Cemeteries generate their own weather. Usually rainstorms… and not just gentle sprinkles, but biblical downpours.

 

People rarely use the bathroom, and if they do, they’re usually dead within minutes.

 

Nearly everyone speaks English, no matter where they are from. Even aliens from outer space, despite the fact they have never been to Earth, seen an Earthling, or even heard of Earth or Earthlings.

 

No matter how fuzzy the photograph, it can be enlarged and enhanced to show the finest detail.

 

All watches and clocks are synchronized to the second.

 

No matter how catastrophic the disaster, pets will always survive it.

 

There will always be a doctor in a plane or building with the right medical supplies.

 

Computers never display a cursor on screen but always say: Enter Password Now.

 

The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

 

A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

 

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

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But when the police are investigating, the strippers all decide to put their underwear on just in case it's a raid.

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