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Joke of the month community competition - Episode 3, ends Sunday 31st Jan 2017

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Joke of the week community

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  • Rules are the joke must be clean and fresh as it is a forum for us to enjoy so have a little respect.
  • Post as many jokes as you like.
  • Winners will be pick by the community likes so the more likes the better.
  • Winner will be awarded VIP status for a month.
  • Staff too can participate.
  • Enjoy your week and happy posting here competition ends Sunday 13th March for the first episode.
  • Just reply to this post with your joke :)

 

Let the games begin!Jesus walks into a bar down South and orders a glass of water, turns it into wine then sits at the end of the bar sipping his wine.

In walks an Irishman with a clubfoot, he asks the bartender “Isn’t that the son o god ?”.
The bartender says “yes”.

So the Irishman tells the bartender to give Jesus another of whatever he’s drinking.

Meanwhile, in walks a hunchback, spots Jesus at the end of the bar and asks the bartender

“Isn’t that Jesus the son of God?”

The bartender affirms it and the hunchback orders a drink for Jesus.

Meanwhile, in walks a redneck cracker wearing a baseball hat sees Jesus at the end of the bar and asks the bartender ” Isn’t that God’s little boy down there ?”

The bartender say it is and the redneck says “Wha hell give em a brew”

When Jesus finished he went first to the clubfoot and touching him he says “For your kindness you are healed”

He then touched the hunchback and said “For your kindness, you are healed”.

As he approached the redneck with his hand extended, the redneck jumps out of the way yelling ” Get the hell away from me….!”!! I’m on disability!”

 

The second episode has begun: Check it out

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

 

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

 

"You talk?" he asks.

 

"Yep," the dog replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

 

The dog looks up and says,

 

"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ... the United States Marine Corps  ... you know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs'. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

 

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

 

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

 

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

 

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff ... He was in the Navy!"

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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

 

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

 

"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."

 

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

 

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

 

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

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One day a guy dies and winds up in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

 

Satan: Why so glum?

 

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell!

 

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

 

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

 

Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer, soft drinks, you name it! We drink till we throw up, and then we drink some more. And you don't have to worry about hangovers because you're dead anyway.

 

Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

 

Satan: You a smoker?

 

Guy: You better believe it!

 

Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer -- no biggie, you're already dead, remember?

 

Guy: Wow... that's awesome!

 

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

 

Guy: Why, yes. As a matter of fact, I do.

 

Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, and Kino. If you go bankrupt, you're dead anyway.

 

Guy: "Coo-oool!"

 

Satan: What about drugs?

 

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

 

Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack ... or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares?!?!?!

 

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

 

Satan: You gay?

 

Guy: No ...

 

Satan: Ooooh ... You're gonna HATE Fridays.

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Subject:
 
Be careful what you wish for....

 

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask for his help in reviving her husband’s libido. 

“What about trying Viagra?” asks the doctor. “It really works.” 


“Not a chance,” says she. “He won’t even take an aspirin.” 


“No problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an ‘Irish Viagra.’ It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.” 


It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!” 


“Really? What happened?” he asked. 


“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!” 


“I don’t understand,” said the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good”? 


“Oh, no, no, no, doctor! The sex was fine indeed! ‘Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.”

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Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."
1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:
"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

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The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings." :D

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Here is a Senior Citizen trying to set a password

 

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use

Fabulous :lol:

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A man is transferred to the other side of the world for work, so asks his brother to look after his cat.

 

Upon reaching his destination he rings his brother to enquire about his beloved pet.

 

"It's dead," his brother tells him.

 

Shocked and very upset, he informs his brother that he could have eased him into the news. When asked to explain, he tells him, "You could have told me that the cat was on the roof.  And when I rang next, you could have told me that the cat was injured, but that it was going to be ok.  And when I rang the next time, you could have told me it didn't make it".

 

His brother apologises and when asked how their mother is, replies, "She's on the roof".

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Every Post office in the USA has this on the front door ................." No animals allowed , except seeing eye dogs " ....................Who is the sign for ???

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A Canadian tourist is at a restaurant in Spain . As he is waiting , a wonderful smell at the next table has him asking the waiter . Waiter , that smells terrific .  The waiter says ,  sir that is cojone del tore' . Could I have an order of that ? Sorry senor , there is only one bullfight a day . However if you wish , I can save you some for tomorrow. Next day , he comes back , and is delighted to be presented with the dish . Delicious though it was , he called the waiter over and says , " yesterday the portion was much larger " . The waiter says , yes sir , but , sometimes the bull wins.

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The winner of Joke of the Week competition first episode is -Jim-

Congratulations

He gets VIP status for a month

The second episode of the competition begins now and ends on 3rd April 2016

Happy Joking to all

Hope to see more participants and better jokes this time

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Mary Christmas....but Carol was a nice girl,too!

 
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates
. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Scotland reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irish man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what
do those symbolize?'

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'
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Thanks for awarding me the Joke of the week! I hope to post an even better one this week!

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