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Joke of the month community competition - Episode 3, ends Sunday 31st Jan 2017

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A blond drops off a shirt at the cleaners. On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says Come Again. The blond says no its toothpaste this time.

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When jane initially met tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "tarzan not know sex", he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree," Horriified jane said "tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing, and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said, pointing to her private, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her , and kicked her in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air, and screamed, :What did you do that for?"  Tarzan replied," check for squirrel."

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried... with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

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So I took off her shirt. then she said,

"Take off my skirt."

I took off her skirt.

"Take off my shoes."

I took off her shoes.

"Now take off my bra and panties."

and so I took them off.

 

Then she looked at me and said, "I dont ever want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

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three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "your mom's the best sex in town." Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up at the far end of the bar. ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says "I just did your mom, and it was sweeeeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "your mom liked it !" Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home dad, your drunk."

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Greg Clovis with Evangeline News Service:

We are here tonight at Evangeline Cemetary, the site of the latest plane crash. We were speaking with Theo Boudreaux from the crash investigation team, who expects recovery operations to continue through the night as more victims are recovered from the plane crash.

 

Flight records show that a Piper Cub 4 seater plane was in route to New Orleans when it developed engine trouble and went down.

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OH  HECK YEAH ! ... Let's Offend Everybody!

 

 

 

     

 

Q.  What's the Cuban National Anthem?  

 

A.      Row, Row, Row Your Boat.    

 

 

 

Q.   Where does an Irish family go on vacation?     

 

 

 

A.     To a different bar.  

 

 

 

Q.   What did the Chinese couple name their  tan, curly-haired baby?    

 

 

 

  A.      SUM TING WONG.     

 

   

 

Q.   What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?    

 

 

 

A.     A speech impediment.  

 

  

 

 

 

Q.   Why do Drivers Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?  

 

 

 

A.      Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

 

 

 

Q.   What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?

 

      

 

A.       The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.  

 

 

 

Q    How do you get a sweet little 80-year- old lady to say the 'F' word?  

 

 

 

A.     Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'  

 

 

 

 

 

Q.   What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?  

 

A.      A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'    

 

      A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t…'

 

  

 

Q.  Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

 

 

 

A.     Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

***    Oh, be quiet....just pass it on   !!!!!

 

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Drunken cowboy

 

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in a Calgary theatre.

 
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient:
 
“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Once again, the cowboy just groaned.
 
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
 
Finally they summoned the police.
 
The Officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy what’s your name?”
 
“Sam,” the cowboy moaned.
 
“Where ya from, Sam?” asked the Policeman.
 
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Sam replied, 
 
“__the balcony__”
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