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Short Jokes Post – Keep The Jokes Short And Funny

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A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

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What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? Put it on my bill.

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I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

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I pretend to work here, they pretend to pay me.

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Want to look thinner? Hang out with fat people.

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What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey.

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Where do you get virgin wool? -- Ugly sheep.

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Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die.

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The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

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So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world

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I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died.

 

My thoughts are with his family.

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Teacher, "Why is your cat in class today?"

 

Kid, "Because I heard my dad tell my mom, "I'm going to eat that pussy once our son leaves for school today."

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What do you call a guy with no phone?

 

You don't.

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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

 

I gave him a glass of water.

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I once had a fear of crossing bridges....But I got over it.

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Hell is wallpapered with all your deleted selfies.

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My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

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When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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Women are like roads. The more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.

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When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

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For Christmas, I want Santa's list of naughty girls.

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wife texts her husband on a cold winters morning..."windows frozen."

 

Husband texts back "pour some warm water over it."

 

Wife texts back 5 mins later "computers totally f....d now"

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my granddad says every morning his allotment is getting smaller, I think he is losing the plot.

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