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Short Jokes Post – Keep The Jokes Short And Funny

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Bought the wife a ''pug'' dog today.

 

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat.

 

The dog seems to like her.

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How do you make a Sausage Roll?.....Push it!

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With reports from the neighbors that they heard an argument earlier......Oscar Pestorious's defense team have said he hasn't got a leg to stand on 

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My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs......She won, she had the hammer

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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 2 hours later and they're still walking about with it.....I thought to myself,they've lost the plot!!

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My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!

 

Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

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I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.

 

So I pushed her over.

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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice.!! At least I presume she was poor.....She only had £1.20 in her purse.

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Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman? 

 

Cause you have to hollow out it's head! 

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Why was the blonde in the tree? 

 

Because she was raking up the leaves! 

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One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disney Land.

 

When they saw a sign that said 'Disney Land left'.....they turned around and went home. 

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Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater? 

 

They went to see "Closed for Winter". 

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Someone asked me how I view Lesbian relationships.

 

Apparently, "in HD" wasn't the correct answer.

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What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 government employees in one room?

 

100 people that don''t do dick!

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What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

 

.....See ya next month.

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Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?

 

.....She kept having affairs with men!

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What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?

 

....Wedding Cake! 
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What are a married man's two greatest assets?

 

....A closed mouth and an open wallet. 
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Why do brides wear white?

 

.....It's important that the new dishwasher matches the fridge and stove. 
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Why is it difficult to find a husband who is sensitive, caring and good looking?

 

.....They all already have boyfriends. 
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A man inserted an ad' in the classified:

 

"Wife wanted".

 

Next day he received a hundred letters.

 

They all said the same thing:

 

"You can have mine." 
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What do cannibals do at a wedding?

 

.....Toast the bride and groom. 
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What is the ideal marriage?

 

.....One between a deaf man and a blind woman 
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Husband: "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

 

.......Wife: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." 
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What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives wives wild?

 

.....A $100 bill. 
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