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Employee Awards

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Employee Awards

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Offices really need their own version of the Emmy’s, Golden Globes, or the Academy Awards.  Sure, leadership could hand out spot bonuses, but it is much cheaper and fun to provide awards to your leaders, team-members, and minions. 

To lighten everyone’s mood at work, (especially this year, which needs some laughs,) here a generic list of funny office awards. Enjoy and share!

  1. Pen stealer Award – Award for the employee who is always walking off with other people’s pens as some sort of mental escape.
  2. The Tunnelling Out Award – provided to the employee spending the most time updating their LinkedIn status in hopes of being recruited award. Ironically this person spends most of their working day trying to work somewhere else.
  3. Space-time continuum Award – for the individual that shows up chronically late for every single damn meeting, even the ones they organize and ask for.
  4. The Deflector Trophy – Awarded to the person that takes their work and assigns it to others most effectively and consistently.
  5. The Centre of the Universe Award – It’s always all about them. Just ask them.
  6. The angry bird Award - Award for an employee who gets easily upset and is always scowling. Is a bit of an outcast.
  7. Most Embarrassing Moments at Work Award – As awkward as office blunders can be, employees should remember they're not the end of the world. The best way to bounce back is to keep your cool, own up to mistakes and laugh along.
  8. The Paper, Scissors, Rock Award – Given to the individual that makes arbitrary decisions based on sketchy criteria, just to move things forward.
  9. Duct tape Award – Award for being able to fix just about anything.
  10. The Useless Skills Trophy – Presented to the individual whose skill set has nothing to do with anything remotely related to work.  Planning an office retirement party is not the same as project management.
  11. The Mouthpiece Award – Given to the person most likely to spread a rumour just for the fun of it.
  12. Most Paranoid Employee Award – Provided to the individual that is positive that he/she is about to be the target of managerial abuse or a reduction in force.  It should be noted that this individual is often correct.
  13. PowerPoint Award – Presented to that person that cannot make a trip to the restroom without a 26-slide deck explaining their bowel movements (complete with graphs).
  14. The Rebranded Award – Given to the manager that renames broken projects or products rather than fixes them.
  15. The Terminator Award – Awarded to the manager that has fired and out outsourced the most staff in the year.  This is not something to be proud of.
  16. infographics Award – Spreadsheets rarely solve problems, they do however, create the illusion of solving problems. This person has a spreadsheet tab set up for every contingency in their life.
  17. Buzzwordaholic Award – This honoured person embraces anything new that can be described in a buzzword or phrase or, better yet, a catchy acronym.  It is their way of appearing well-informed and knowledgeable.  For the rest of us, well, we all know bullshit when we see it.
  18. Class Clown Award – For the individual that somehow takes every situation, no matter how dire, and manages to make it humorous, if only for a moment.
  19. Hall Monitor Award – awarded to the individual who polices the halls and rats on fellow works for petty power, self-esteem and approval from managers.
  20. Points Award – Awarded to the manager that arranges business trips just to harvest the frequent flyer and hotel points.
  21. Sasquatch Award – Given to the employee that is almost impossible to find, even when they are in the office.
  22. Social Networker Award – This person sits in meetings and tweets and updates Facebook rather than paying attention.  Everyone in the office knows they are updating Facebook on company time, because they are guilty of it too.  This person just doesn’t even try to cover it up or lie about it.
  23. The Office Squealer Award – Given to the office snitch, the person that will sell out their beloved co-workers in hopes it will advance their own career.
  24. Where Angels Fear to Tread Award – Bestowed to the individual that has taken the biggest risk, regardless of the damage it could have caused to their career.
  25. The Office Cheerleader Award – Awarded to the person who has consumed the Kool-Aid and believes every little lie that leadership tells him or her.  They sing praises to the almighty company and all who sail her.
  26. The Closet Hero Award – Given to the person who has saved the day but never got formal acknowledgement for their sacrifice.
  27. The Lemming Award – This team award is given to group that goes along with the crowd and does something insipidly stupid because they refused to think on their own.  (Note:  There’s usually a lot of competition for this award).
  28. Most Offensive Smelling Lunch Eaten at a Desk Award – There’s always someone trying to reheat something that reeks as if it was taken off a garbage scow.  The complete lack of awareness or concern for the nostrils of their co-workers puts them in heated contention for this award.
  29. The Inappropriate Attire Award – This is a fairly broad category that can cover everything from hooker-wear to Roy who showed up for a live meeting in a Speedo. As long as there have been groups of people working together, there have been people who didn’t dress appropriately for it.
  30. The Rules Nazi Award – Awarded to the employee that quotes and lives by the rules, regardless if that makes any sense whatsoever.
  31. Bermuda Triangle Trophy – Award for owning the mysterious desk where things go in and never return.
  32. Artful Dodger Award Presented to the individual or team that meets regularly, creates impressive PowerPoint decks, but accomplishes nothing (other than misleading management that they are progressing with their work.)
  33. Able to Turn Any Day into a Monday Award – This Debbie Downer is the person who sucks the life out of room and always goes to the worse-case scenario in their thinking.  Even when bonuses are handed out, they point out how much taxes been taken away.
  34. Tin Cans and String Award – Given to the employee whose internet connection for meetings is so horrible that they are usually unable to hear or speak, yet are still allowed to work from home.
  35. Ignorance is Bliss Award – Given to that person that ignores the obvious and when confronted with facts, turns tail and runs.  This person believes the best way to survive in the workplace it to not know or acknowledge what is going on.
  36. Vastly Overqualified Award – It is difficult to talk to this person because their head will not fit in most standard sized conference rooms.  They are SO smart and love telling everyone about how ingenious they are.
  37. Five O’clock Award – Given to the person most likely to lead a party of his or her co-workers to the bar after work to attempt to purge/drown their memories of the day.
  38. The Sports Analogy Award – There’s always a weenie that thinks the best way to make people understand or get behind something is with a sports analogy. While this never works, there’s always someone who thinks they are in the movie Rudy and that some sort of sports reference is something everyone can get behind.
  39. Idiotic Metaphor Award – Given to the person that says things like, “When one door closes, another one opens,” These little catch-phrases are aimed to inspire, but miss their mark because, well, they are idiotic.  When a door closes, it just closes.
  40. Running Out the Clock Award – Presented to that employee that is around 18 months away from retirement, who is doing everything he/she can to keep their head down and stay off the leadership’s radar.
  41. The Teflon Trophy – Given to that individual who commits the equivalent of a war crime at work, but comes through it with their reputation perfectly intact.
  42. Planny-Plan-Plan Award – Given to that one leader that insists on detailed plans for everything while, at the same time, never actually executes those plans.  Note:  This can be awarded to a project team that becomes so mired in their planning that they cannot move to the implementation phases of anything.
  43. The Buzzard Trophy – Bestowed to that individual who comes to work solely to mooch the leftover/abandoned food outside of conference rooms. 
  44. Busy bee Award – Award for the employee who doesn't even have time for this award.
  45. The Triumphant Flag Waver Trophy – Presented to that manager that declares a project is over and runs up the flag to declare victory, even though only half of the work complete.

What are yours?  Add them to the comments.

  • Haha 1

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