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Renster

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Posts posted by Renster

  20. Posted · Report reply

    Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?

    If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

    If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

    Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?

    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

    Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?

    Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?

    Why are Softballs hard?

    Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?

    If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

    Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

    Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.

    Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?

    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

    Can blind people see their dreams?

    Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

    Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

    Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?

    Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?

    Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

    Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?

    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

    Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

    How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

    If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

    If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered breadalways lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?

    If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?

    What color would a smurf turn if you choked it?

    Where's the egg in an egg roll?

    Why aren't blue berries blue?

    Where is the lead in a lead pencil?

    Why is Greenland called green when it is covered in ice?

    • Like 5

  21. Posted · Edited by Renster · Report reply

    LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

     

    1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

     

    2. A will is a dead giveaway.

     

    3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

     

    4. A backward poet writes inverse.

     

    5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

     

    6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

     

    7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

     

    8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

     

    9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

     

    10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

     

    11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

     

    12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

     

    13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

     

    14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

     

    15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

     

    16. A calendar's days are numbered.

     

    17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

     

    18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

     

    19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

     

    20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

     

    21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

     

    22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

     

    23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

     

    24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

     

    25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

     

    26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

     

    27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

     

    28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

     

    29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

     

    30. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

     

    31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

     

    32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

     

    33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

     

    34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

     

    35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

     

    36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

     

    38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

     

    39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

     

    40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

     

    41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

     

    42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

     

    43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

     

    44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

     

    45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

     

    46. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

    • Like 2
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