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Three Astronauts Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. One was American, one was Russian and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each. The American decided to take along his wife. The Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German. The Russian decided to take along cigarettes. Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. First came the American and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause. Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked: "Has anyone got a f*** match?"

Missing God A group of young boys were always getting into trouble on the estate so the local vicar decided to intervene and speak to each of them about their behaviour. When it was Johnny’s turn to go in, he sat down nervously wondering what was going to happen. As with the other boys, the vicar decided to find out how much the boy knew about God and whether he understood the difference between right and wrong. The vicar began with the question, “Where is God?” Johnny stared at him in amazement but did not answer. Again, the question was asked, this time more forcibly. “I said, where is God,” he bellowed. Frightened out of his skin, Johnny raced from the room, ran all the way home, and hid in the wardrobe. His older brother followed him upstairs and shouted through the door. “What’s happened?” “Oh Tom, we really are in trouble this time. God has gone missing and they think we did it.”

Headache It was a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife were at the zoo. She was wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walked through the ape exhibit and passed in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla went nuts. He jumped up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet) grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow. He suggested she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She did and Mr. Gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps falls. She did and Mr. Gorilla was just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs," the husband suggested. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy! Quickly the husband grabbed his wife by the hair, ripped open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and said: "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

Problems with the Samsung Galaxy S8 and S8 Plus and how to fix them The Samsung Galaxy S8 and Galaxy S8 Plus are beautiful looking smartphones with near bezel-less designs, gorgeous Infinite Displays up front, and the solid metal and glass unibody construction that we've grown to love over the years. The Galaxy S8 is a quite a departure from the norm for the company with previous signature elements like the tactile home button and the Samsung logo up front no longer to be seen. The location of the fingerprint scanner will take some getting used to, and features like Bixby aren't ready for primetime just yet, but there's no denying that the Samsung Galaxy S8 and its larger sibling are two of the best smartphones out there. With Samsung having gone through the Galaxy Note 7 fiasco, it's no surprise that the Galaxy S8 is one of the most scrutinized smartphones ever. Unfortunately, some problems have crept up that users have come across since its launch, but luckily nothing as extreme as it blowing up in your face. We've rounded up some of the common problems faced by Samsung Galaxy S8 owners, and offer potential solutions on how to fix them! Disclaimer: Not every Samsung Galaxy S8 and Galaxy S8 Plus will suffer from these issues, and in fact, it is more likely that you won't come across any of these problems at all. Problem #1 – Red tint on the display Quite a lot of users have found a red tint across the display, and doesn't seem to be related to when using a particular app. Potential solutions: Samsung is aware of the problem and is already rolling out a software update that should fix this problem. Until then, you can also go over to the display settings and color balance and manually adjust them till the display becomes easier to view. There does seem to be conflicting reports as to whether this is a software or a hardware problem. If the update doesn't help fix the issue, your only option will be to pick up a replacement. Problem #2 – “DQA keeps stopping” error message This an issue that has been making the rounds since the device launched, with the Device Quality Agent continuously showing an error message with no reason. This app is designed to monitor how a Wi-Fi connection is used across the device. Potential solutions: This is another problem that has been acknowledged by Samsung, and a software update is also now available that helps fix it. If you haven't received the update yet, you can force close the DQA app, or disconnect from Wi-Fi. Problem #3 – Auto-rotate not working A few users have found the auto-rotate function to not work on their phone, despite having the option enabled in Settings. Potential solutions: A rogue third-party app may be the causing this issue, particularly if you've found this problem to start occurring after some recent installs. Boot the device in Safe Mode (you can find the instructions below), and see if the problem persists. If it doesn't, you will have to uninstall any apps that were added just before the issue started, and see if that fixes it. This could also be an issue with the accelerometer and G-sensor as well. Download an app like GPS & Status Toolbox and re-calibrate the sensors, and see if that fixes it. If this is proves to be a hardware issue, the only option will be to pick up a replacement. A temporary workaround that has worked for some is using an app like Rotation Control that can be downloaded from the Google Play Store. This will let you manually trigger the switch to the landscape orientation. Problem #4 – Google Launcher not working TouchWiz isn't for everyone, so it's great that users are able to download third-party launchers from the Google Play Store. However, while there aren't any problems with launchers like Nova, the Google launcher doesn't work, with the app not showing in the app drawer or home screens. Potential solutions: As mentioned, you are better off opting for another third-party launcher like Nova instead of the Google launchers. This issue seems to be related to the Secure Folder. You will have to uninstall the app to be able to use the Google launcher, which is a problem if that is a feature that you use. If you are okay without it, uninstall the app and the launcher should now work as expected. Problem #5 – Push notifications delayed Some users have found that notifications aren't arriving instantaneously as expected, but are delayed by sometimes a significant amount of time. Potential solutions: This has to do with the aggressive battery saving features of Samsung as well as what is built-in to Android 7.0 Nougat. Go to Settings – Apps and select Special Access in the top right menu and go to Optimize Battery Usage. In the dropdown menu, go to Change To, and add any applications that you want to get notifications for without delay. Problem #6 – Issues with Android Auto Some users have come across issues with pairing the device with Android Auto. Even if the device pairs with the car, some apps like Spotify don't work. Potential solutions: To get this work, all you have to do is uninstall, reinstall, and go through the Android Auto setup process once again. If it's an app that isn't working, uninstall both the app and Android Auto, setup AA first and then download the app again. Problem #7 – Connectivity issues Wi-Fi and Bluetooth issues commonly pop up when you pick up a new smartphone, and the Galaxy S8 is no exception. Both Wi-Fi and Bluetooth issues seem to be particularly prevalent with this device. Keep in mind that there is a specific issue with Wi-Fi that has affected the Korean editions of the device, that Samsung is rolling out an update for. Potential solutions: Wi-Fi issues Turn the device and the router off for at least ten seconds, then turn them back and retry the connection. Go to Settings – Power saving and ensure that this option is turned off. Use the Wi-Fi Analyzer to check how crowded your channel is, and switch to a better option. Forget the Wi-Fi connection by going to Settings – Wi-Fi and long tapping the connection you want, then selecting “Forget”. Re-enter the details and try again. Make sure the router firmware is up to date. Make sure the applications and software on the device are up to date. Go into Wi-Fi – Settings – Advanced and make a note of your device MAC address, then make sure that it is allowed access in the router's MAC filter. Some users have found that disabling the Hotspot 2.0 feature seems to fix a lot of issues with Wi-Fi. Bluetooth issues Check the manufacturer's manual for the device and the car and reset your connections. Ensure that you are not missing a vital part of the connection process. Go to Settings – Bluetooth and ensure nothing needs changing Go into Settings – Bluetooth delete all prior pairings and try setting them up again from scratch. Problem #8 – Problems where the only option is to wait for a software update There are some issues where there aren't any solutions available right now, and the only option for now is to wait for an official software fix from Samsung. Bixby not working – Many users have found that Bixby isn't working as expected, and the button isn't as responsive. Keep in mind that this isn't the final release version of the feature, so things should get better once the app is updated later this Spring. You can try hitting the Bixby button faster, as explained here. Random reboots – Some users have found that the device randomly freezes and then restarts, sometimes multiple times a day. Wireless charging not working – Users have found that wireless charging doesn't seem to work some third-party wireless charging pads out there. While it is recommended that you use the Samsung wireless charger only, there still shouldn't be an issue when using other chargers. Facial recognition feature easily fooled – It's been found that the facial recognition unlock can work even when using a photo of the user, which could be fixed with a software update. Guides – soft reset, hard reset, boot into Safe Mode, wipe cache partition Soft Reset Press and hold the power button and volume down key simultaneously for about 10 seconds until the device powers off. This works when the screen is unresponsive. Hard Reset With the device turned off, press and hold the volume up key, home button, and power button simultaneously. When the Samsung logo appears, release the power button, but continue to hold the volume up and home buttons. When the Android system recovery screen appears, release all buttons. Use the volume down button to toggle the selection to “wipe data/factory reset,” then press the power button to accept it. Use the volume down button to toggle the selection to “Yes — delete all user data,” then press the power button. Wait for the reset to finish. You will eventually be prompted to “Reboot system now.” Press the power button to continue. If the phone is on, go to Settings – Backup & reset – Reset device – Erase Everything. Wipe cache partition With the device turned off, press and hold the volume up key, home button, and power button simultaneously. When the Samsung logo appears, release the power button, but continue to hold the volume up and home buttons. When the Android system recovery screen appears, release all buttons. Use the volume down button to toggle the selection to “wipe cache partition,” then press the power button to accept it. When the previous menu returns, go up and select “Reboot system now.” Boot in Safe Mode When the device is turned off, turn the device on again and press and hold the volume down button until a “Safe Mode” button shows up. Tap that button to boot your device in Safe Mode. So, there you have it for this roundup of some issues Samsung Galaxy S8 owners have come across, and potential solutions on how to fix them! As you can see, most of these problems are easily fixable by software updates, so while it isn't great that a flagship device has quite a few problems, Samsung will certainly be able to address them.

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Sweetening The Deal A used car salesman was having a little trouble selling a particular car to a young man. Finally, the salesman said, “I’ll tell you what. If you buy this car, you can have that cute blonde in my office for the rest of the afternoon.” So, the young man bought the car and took the blonde out to Lover’s Lane. As he put his arm around her, he whispered something into her ear. “Oh, no!” she replied: “You already got that when you bought this car!”