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- Yesterday
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Lie Clocks A woman dies. In heaven she sees a large Wall full of Clocks. She asks angel: What are these for? Angel answers: These are Lie Clocks; every person has a lie clock! Whenever you lie on earth, clock moves. The woman points towards a clock and asks: Whose clock is this? Angel says: It's Yudhishtir's clock. It never moved, showing that he never told lie. The woman asks: Where are the clocks of Married men? The angel replies: Those are in our office; we use them as 'OFFICE FANS' She then asked, what about the Married women? The angel replied: Those are kept out... they are 'Generating electricity'!!!
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Marrying A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one on the right." ''That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" The mother replies: "I didn't like her!"
- Last week
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yardiloguio joined the community
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Yearly Physical A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "115" she says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," she says. The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5". She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high. "Of course, it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here, I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
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Answer A Question Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?" Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question." Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?" Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
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jumpdatecloser joined the community
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scarface20202 joined the community
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Hey guys, I want Train Simulator 2019 for PC. Regards.
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gabkou joined the community
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Hmmmm = Thank You
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Congratulations aabee . A fine addition to the team
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miggies joined the community
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The Best Cricket Sledges Ever What is sledging in cricket? Sledging is a term used in cricket to describe the practice whereby some players seek to gain an advantage by insulting or verbally intimidating the opposing player. The purpose is to try to weaken the opponent's concentration, thereby causing them to make mistakes or underperform. Ian Chappell to Derek Underwood: England slow left-arm bowler Derek Underwood was hit on the hand while batting. Ian Chappell surprised Underwood with his concern. Chappell: How's the hand, which one was it? Underwood: It was my right. Chappell: That's a shame. We were aiming for the left. Ian Botham to Rodney Hogg: As Rodney Hogg bowled to Ian Botham, he lost his balance and fell at the England player's feet. Botham: I know you think I'm great Hoggy, but no need to get down on your knees. Glenn McGrath to Michael Atherton: Australia's Glenn McGrath tried out an old Australian classic on England captain Michael Atherton, who fell for it hook, line and sinker. McGrath: Athers, it would help if you got rid of the shit at the end of your bat. Atherton looks at the bottom of his bat. McGrath: No, No, the other end. Merv Hughes to Graham Gooch: Hughes had sent several fast deliveries whistling past Graham Gooch, before dispatching the following verbal knockout punch. Hughes: I'll get you a fu***** piano you Pommie poofta. Let's see if you can play that. Dennis Lillee to Mike Gatting: There's no easier target for a joke than an overweight man, as Dennis Lillee proved with the former England captain Mike Gatting. Lillee: Hell, Gatt, move out of the way, I can't see the stumps. Bill Woodfull to Douglas Jardine: In the infamous 'Bodyline' series, prim and proper England captain Douglas Jardine complained to Australian captain Bill Woodfull, having just been sworn at. Jardine: Your slip just swore at me. Woodfull: All right, which one of you b*stards called this b*stard a b*stard? Phil Tufnell to The Umpire: An angry Phil Tufnell took his frustration out on the umpire after his appeal against Dean Jones was turned down. Tufnell: Are you bloody blind? Umpire: I beg your pardon? Tufnell: Are you fu***** deaf as well? Michael Atherton to Ian Healey: Michael Atherton had the perfect reply for Ian Healy when accused of cheating. Healey: You're a fu***** cheat. Atherton: When in Rome dear boy... Ian Botham to Rodney Marsh: As Ian Botham prepared to bat, Aussie wicket keeper Rodney Marsh decided to put him off and was metaphorically smashed out of the ground. Marsh: So, how's your wife and my kids? Botham: The wife's fine - the kids are retarded. Javed Miandad to Merv Hughes: Javed Miandad called Hughes a fat bus conductor during a match. A few balls later, Hughes dismissed Miandad. Hughes: 'Tickets please' as he ran past the departing batsman. Daryll Cullinan to Shane Warne: Cullinan was well known as being a bit of a bunny to Warne's bowling. The 2 hadn't played each other in some time so when Cullinan walked out to bat, Warne couldn't resist heckling him: "I've been waiting two years for another chance at you". Cullinan got him back with a ripper: "Looks like you spent it eating..." Fred Trueman to Raman Subba Row: Trueman was bowling and induced an edge to first slip but the ball went between Raman Subba Row's legs. The fieldsman apologised. Row: Sorry, Fred. I should've kept my legs together. Trueman: So, should your mother.
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Steve Earle & The Dukes - Devil Put The Coal In The Ground The years have been good to Steve Earle's creative juices, or so this cracking new single suggests (from his upcoming album with The Dukes, Ghosts Of West Virginia, out in May). Banjos and primal percussion crescendo from rootsy, old-timer work-song beginnings into a huge, haunting mass of droning fiddles and psychedelic hoodoo. So much more than just another piece of beard-stroking country blues.
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Thirteen Stars - Mint Jelly 'Oi, ZZ Top called, they want La Grange back!' or so you might think on the strength of those opening notes. But as these raw-throated southern rock renegades get into their stride, Mint Jelly becomes its own thing – still a very retro, cowboy-cooked thing, but deliciously so. Expect tales of lies, swampy moonshine and burials in Mexico City.
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Keylock - Shine On Me Having turned heads as a teenager with his arsenal of prodigious blues licks, Aaron Keylock seemed to have slipped below the radar. Now, he's back with a bang – and a band, for that matter. With Jonnie Hodson on lead vocals, three further bandmates and gospelly backing singers, Keylock (free to focus on what he loves: the guitar) relaxes into warm, southern-fringed chops and the freeing nature of being part of a gang. https://youtu.be/XnxgbwG_8X
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Briston Maroney – The Garden Smart, seductive alt rock/pop now from Tennessee singer/songwriter Briston Maroney. At once hooky and dreamy, youthful and extremely mature, The Garden is the sort of thing you could imagine Neil Young or Big Star doing if they'd been born this side of the 90s (and listened to a bit of Tame Impala in the process).
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The Amblers - Birds and the Bees Enjoyed the likes of the White Stripes, Black Keys, Royal Blood, Henry's Funeral Shoe, Crown Lands etc etc, and looking for rock's next hot bluesy duo? You might want to give this South African pair a spin. Marrying Rolling Stones flavours with jutting, Jack White-esque bare-bones blues, Birds And The Bees makes an upbeat, charismatic first impression. Singer Justin Swart has a nice beard, too.
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Short Jokes Post – Keep The Jokes Short And Funny
uk666 replied to uk666's topic in The Fun & Laughs Section
Why is b always cool……Because it’s between ac. -
Short Jokes Post – Keep The Jokes Short And Funny
uk666 replied to uk666's topic in The Fun & Laughs Section
What do envelopes say when you lick them……Nothing, it shuts them up! -
Short Jokes Post – Keep The Jokes Short And Funny
uk666 replied to uk666's topic in The Fun & Laughs Section
There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn’t they get wet……It wasn’t raining! -
Short Jokes Post – Keep The Jokes Short And Funny
uk666 replied to uk666's topic in The Fun & Laughs Section
I’m looking for a new personal trainer……The last one didn’t work out. -
Buffalo Summer - Hit The Ground Running With NWOCR favourites Those Damn Crows recently hitting the UK top 10, and veterans The Alarm selling out a mega anniversary gig in two minutes, there must be something in the water over in that there Wales. Now, Buffalo Summer are bolstering that idea with this boot-stomping mix of grooves and grunge, spiced up with cool, resonating slide licks.
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Short Jokes Post – Keep The Jokes Short And Funny
uk666 replied to uk666's topic in The Fun & Laughs Section
Don't take life seriously……Nobody gets out alive anyways. -
Dramalove's winning single Written In The Stars...
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Canary Contest Jim strolls into the paint section of B&Q and walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-coloured paint," he says. "Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?" "My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win." "Well, you can't do that, Man!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!" "No, they won't," Jim replies. "Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten quid your parakeet dies if you try to paint him." "You're on!" says Jim. Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten pounds on the counter in front of the clerk. "So, the paint killed your bird?" "Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
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A Lawyer And honest Man A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked: "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said" "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man."
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Apocalyptica Debuts New Song, “Live Or Die” Featuring Sabaton’s Joakim Broden Finland's multi-Platinum cello-rockers Apocalyptica release their brand-new track and music video, "Live Or Die (featuring Joakim Brodén)" (Silver Lining Music). The song, which boasts what is undoubtedly one of the most effective liaisons in heavy metal - the spellbinding music of Apocalyptica and the potent, iconic vocals of Sabaton's Joakim Brodén - is a fierce battle cry focused on the desecration of our planet. "Live Or Die" was composed by Apocalyptica and recorded in Finland with Apocalyptica and Martin Hansen (Scorpions) producing. The video, directed by Ville Juurikkala and filmed in Berlin, Germany, on January 25, is a fiery performance piece that features Brodén on vocals. You can check out the music video HERE; the track, which will be available exclusively in digital form, can be accessed HERE. Apocalyptica and Sabaton have a new but notable history of collaboration. Most recently, the two bands recorded a version of the 2010 Sabaton track "Angels Calling," released in November 2019, with a companion music video. In addition, Apocalyptica was Special Guest on Sabaton's just-concluded, critically acclaimed, 15-country European tour, that included Apocalyptica joining Sabaton onstage every night for a half dozen songs. As one UK reviewer wrote, "The chemistry between the two bands was absolutely incredible. Apocalyptica was throwing around their cellos just as hard as Sabaton were throwing around their guitars." In support of their current studio album release, the all-instrumental Cell-0 (Silver Lining Music), Apocalyptica - cellists Eicca Toppinen, Perttu Kivilaakso, Paavo Lötjönen, and drummer Mikko Sirén - will kick off the first leg of their 2020 North American tour on May 3 in Orlando, Florida. The band will bring their moving and bombastic live performances to 20 cities over three weeks wrapping up on May 26 in Boston, MA. With a setlist that will likely vary night to night, Apocalyptica's performances will be comprised of new songs from Cell-0 as well as from the band's rich catalog. Lacuna Coil will support on all North American dates. While Europe will enjoy one of the most engaging, exciting, and "Apocalyepic" events of the year this coming Autumn 2020, when the cello metal giants Apocalyptica unite with Epica to entertain audiences all over the continent, from Budapest to Barcelona, on the Epic Apocalypse Tour. The two will co-headline, showing both a refreshing camaraderie and lack of ego, and will be joined by the exciting, progressive metal band Wheel, who will open each night with their engaging juxtapose of time-defying grooves and in-depth social exploration. Tickets are on sale now; go to https://www.apocalyptica.com for all pre-sales, VIP packages, and ticketing details. Apocalyptica's upcoming and massive 2020 tour itinerary is as follows: MARCH 12 Logomo, Turku, Finland 14 Pakkahuone, Tampere, Finland 15 Musiikkikeskus, Kuopio, Finland 27 Tullisali, Oulu, Finland 28 Rytmikorjaamo, Seinäjoki, Finland APRIL 13 Échos & Merveilles, Le Bascala, Bruguières, France MAY 1 Guitar Guinness Record, Wroclaw, Poland NORTH AMERICAN HEADLINE TOUR 3 The Plaza Live, Orlando, FL 4 The Masquerade - Heaven, Atlanta, GA 6 Emo's, Austin, TX 7 House of Blues, Houston, TX 9 Sunshine Theater, Albuquerque, NM 10 The Van Buren, Phoenix, AZ 11 The Mayan, Los Angeles, CA 12 The Regency Ballroom, San Francisco, CA 13 Crystal Ballroom, Portland, OR 14 The Showbox, Seattle, WA 15 Queen Elisabeth Theatre, Vancouver, BC Canada 17 Midway, Edmonton, AB Canada 18 The Palace Theatre, Calgary, AB Canada 20 First Avenue, Minneapolis, MN 21 House of Blues, Chicago, IL 22 The Opera House, Toronto, ON Canada 23 MTelus, Montreal, QC Canada 24 Webster Theater, Hartford, CT 25 Webster Hall, New York, NY 26 Big Night Live, Boston, MA JUNE 18 Amfiteáter Raca, Bratislava, Slovakia 19 Amfiteáter, Terchova, Slovakia 20 Nummirock Metal Festival, Kauhajoki, Finland AUGUST 7 Olavinlinna, Savonlinna, Finland OCTOBER 21 Komplex, Zurich, Switzerland 22 Metropole, Lausanne, Switzerland 23 Fabrique, Milan, Italy 25 Barba Negra, Budapest, Hungary 26 Hala Vodova, Brno, Czech Republic 27 Tonhalle, Munich, Germany 29 Berns, Stockholm, Sweden 30 Sentrum Scene, Oslo, Norway 31 Amager Bio, Copenhagen, Denmark NOVEMBER 2 Capitol, Hannover, Germany 3 Docks, Hamburg, Germany 4 Columbiahalle, Berlin, Germany 6 Progresja, Warsaw, Poland 8 Haus Auensee, Leipzig, Germany 9 Gasometer, Vienna, Austria 21 Ice Hall, Helsinki, Finland 26 Coliseum, Lisbon, Portugal 28 Gamma, Murcia, Spain 29 La Riviera, Madrid, Spain 30 Razzmatazz, Barcelona, Spain DECEMBER 3 Zenith, Paris, France 4 AB, Brussels, Belgium 5 Roundhouse, London, UK 7 O2 Academy, Bristol, UK 8 O2 Academy, Glasgow, UK 9 Academy, Manchester, UK 11 AFAS Live, Amsterdam, The Netherlands 12 Den Atelier, Luxembourg, Luxembourg 15 Carlswerk Victoria, Cologne, Germany 16 Schlachthof, Wiesbaden, Germany 17 MHP Arena, Ludwigsburg, Germany Follow Apocalyptica on: www.facebook.com/Apocalyptica www.instagram.com/apocalypticaofficial www.twitter.com/apocalypticafi www.apocalyptica.com
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