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JoshWebs

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Posts posted by JoshWebs

  1. Posted · Report reply

    Happy new Xbox day! It's only a matter of hours until we find out what the future of Bing and Netflix hold, and how they fit into Microsoft's soon-to-be revealed console. There might even be a video game!

     

    It's all a bit exciting, so Ian Higton's provided a run-through of past Xbox events to help brace you for tonight's fireworks. See the double act between Bill Gates and The Rock that time forgot! Marvel at the fake families! Recoil at the lies touted at Natal's birth!

     

     

    We will, of course, be bringing you all the action as it happens on Eurogamer from 6pm BST tonight, livestreaming the event and providing commentary throughout. In the meantime you can entertain yourself by heading over to our YouTube channel and dipping into some of the Let's Plays, previews and livestreams you can find there.

     

     

     

     

  8. Posted · Report reply

    In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

    "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.

    The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

    The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

    "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

    • Like 1

  13. Posted · Report reply

    Chuck Norris Jokes

     

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

     

    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

     

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

     

    Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

     

    If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

     

    When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

     

    Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

     

    Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

     

    They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take sh*t from anybody

     

    A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

    • Like 3

  16. Posted · Report reply

    What is Bruce Lee's favourite drink?

     

    WATAAAAARR!

     

     

    Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

     

    Because he felt crummy.

     

     

    What's brown and sticky?

     

    A stick.

     

     

    What did the policeman say to his tummy?

     

    I've got you under a vest!

     

     

    What do you call a fish with no eye?

     

    Fssshh

    • Like 3

  17. Posted · Report reply

    From A Mother With Love

     

    Dear Child,

     

    I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

     

    We don't live where we did when you left home.

     

    Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

     

    I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

     

    This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

     

    Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

     

    The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

     

    They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

     

    Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

     

    Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

     

    Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

     

    There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

     

    PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

    • Like 5

  18. Posted · Report reply

    Glad to be drunk

     

    A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

     

    Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

     

    "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

     

    Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

    • Like 2

  19. Posted · Report reply

    Blonde paint job

     

    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

     

    "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

    The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

    The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

     

    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

    "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

    • Like 3

  20. Posted · Report reply

    0 to 200 in 6 seconds

     

    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

    really pissed.

     

    She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

    driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

     

    The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

    up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

    gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

     

    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

    the box back in the house.

     

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

     

    Bob has been missing since Friday.

    • Like 4

  22. Posted · Report reply

    As some of you might or might not know...

     

    Today 4th May is Star Wars Day.

     

    May 4 is often known as "Star Wars Day". It is jokingly said: "May the 4th be with you", in reference to the popular phrase in Star Wars: "May the Force be with you."

     

    If you would like to read more:

     

    http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/May_4

    • Like 2
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