TinyTaZZ

Welcome to the forum Take a look around and enjoy your time here with us,

Welcome to the forum and hope you enjoy your stay with us.

Welcome to the forums hope you enjoy your time here with us.

Thanks for the great tips will use them for sure

Welcome to the forum bro we can always use good Staff ,sign up and help us out bro. Hope you enjoy your stay .

Welcome back

101 of the World's Funniest One Liners 1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back. 3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. 4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. 6. Never answer an anonymous letter. 7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better. 8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours. 10. Few women admit their age; few men act it. 11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat? 12. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"? 15. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes. 17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else. 18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't. 20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? 21. Nuke the Whales. 22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it. 23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. 28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. 29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. 30. You can't have everything; where would you put it? 31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? 33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. 34. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 35. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. 36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway. 39. My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states. 40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool. 41. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 42. I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong. 43. God made mankind. Sin made him evil. 44. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere. 45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back. 46. Don't steal. The government hates competition. 47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed. 48. National Atheist's Day April 1st. 49. All generalizations are false. 50. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. 51. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. 52. If you don't like the news, go out and make some. 53. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. 54. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. 55. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want? 56. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. 57. I can handle pain until it hurts. 58. No matter where you go, you're there. 59. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane. 60. It's been Monday all week. 61. Gravity always gets me down. 62. This statement is false. 63. Eschew obfuscation. 64. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them. 65. It's bad luck to be superstitious. 66. According to my best recollection, I don't remember. 67. The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary. 68. Honk if you like peace and quiet. 69. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened. 70. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 71. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? 72. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 73. A day without sunshine is like, night. 74. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 75. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! 76. Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW! 77. Life is too complicated in the morning. 78. We are all part of the ultimate statistic -- ten out of ten die. 79. Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody. 80. Ask me about my vow of silence. 81. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. 82. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do. 83. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way. 84. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria. 85. If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving. 86. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 87. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! 88. I intend to live forever. So far so good. 89. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk? 90. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 91. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. 92. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery. 93. I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I 94. I've had amnesia as long as I can remember. 95. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 96. Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut." 97. Evolution: True science fiction. 98. What's another word for "thesaurus"? 99. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. 100. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. 101. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.

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You Don't Know Your Arithmetic The teacher asks his student, "Bobby, if you have ninety cents and you ask your father for a dollar, how much money do you have?" "Ninety cents." The teacher shakes his head. "You don't know your arithmetic." "You don't know my father."

Guy Meets Girl In Bar A guy meets a gal in a bar and asks, "May I buy you a drink?" "Okay. But it won't do you any good." she replies. A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay. But it won't do you any good." He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good." They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife." She says, "Oh, well that's different. Send her in."

Funnies Ever have a milk of magnesia and vodka? - It's a Phillips head screwdriver My wife said she's leaving me because I always relate everything to Batman. - What a Joker. My girlfriend is leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. - And then I saw her face. My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory. - Why didn't I think of that?

50 Years! There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

On The Bathroom Scale A man is weighing himself in the bathroom, sucking in his stomach ,when his wife comes in and says sarcastically, "That's not going to help." The guy says, "It does help, it's the only way I can see the numbers."

She Was A Bit Lonely She checked into a motel on her 50th birthday feeling lonely and unappreciated. She thought , “maybe I’ll try one of those men advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.” As she glanced through the phone book, a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man, caught her eye. He had muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long legs, a dazzling smile, six pack abs, and she felt certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled bum…. What the heck, she thought, no one will ever know. I’ll give him a call. “Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?” . . . He sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve, she rushed right in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. I want toys, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. I want to go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, I’m ready!! How does that sound?” He said, …… “That sounds absolutely fantastic ma’am, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”

Blondes On A Train Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling local pastries that they'd never seen before. Each bought one. The first blonde eagerly bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you." "Why not?" "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

Deep Thoughts About Fishing There really only two kinds of fishermen, Sport fishermen and those who catch fish. Do fishermen live in the reel world? Is it true that if you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day but if you teach him how to fish, he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day? Isn't fishing just a jerk on one end of the line waiting for a jerk at the other? Who edits fishing shows? How do they decide what's too boring? Why do fish grow fastest between the time they're caught and the bar in port? Why is it that nothing increases the size of a fish like fishing all by yourself? Why is it that you never see a fish mounted on a wall with it's mouth shut? Wouldn't living be easier if men showed as much patience at home as they do when they're fishing?

A Married Couple Are Having A Fight. Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." He turns and says, " Oh, so now you want me to stay?"

Three Old Men Get A Chance To See God. The first old man, a Greek, asked God when his country will come out of recession. "100 years" God said. The Greek started weeping profusely."I will not live to see that day". The second man, a Russian asked God, "When will my country become prosperous?" "Fifty years" came the reply. The Russian too started weeping profusely."I will not live to see that day". Finally a American asked God, "When will my country's Government become corruption free?" God started weeping profusely."I will not live to see that day!"

10 Things that sound dirty - but not on Halloween 1. So…What’d you get in the sack? 2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!! 3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it! 4. I got the best piece from that house. 5. Quit screwing around on the porch!! 6. Stick your hand in and guess what you’re feeling…. 7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head. 8. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn’t get my mouth around it! 9. She’s got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch. 10. He’s got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Emo Philips Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy. Joseph Campbell Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. Pablo Picasso I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image. Stephen Hawking I think it's fair to say that personal computers have become the most empowering tool we've ever created. They're tools of communication, they're tools of creativity, and they can be shaped by their user. Bill Gates Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done. Andy Rooney Security is, I would say, our top priority because for all the exciting things you will be able to do with computers - organizing your lives, staying in touch with people, being creative - if we don't solve these security problems, then people will hold back. Bill Gates I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. Isaac Asimov Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest. Isaac Asimov The new information technology... Internet and e-mail... have practically eliminated the physical costs of communications. Peter Drucker Personally, I rather look forward to a computer program winning the world chess championship. Humanity needs a lesson in humility. Richard Dawkins Computers are magnificent tools for the realization of our dreams, but no machine can replace the human spark of spirit, compassion, love, and understanding. Louis Gerstner Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months. Clifford Stoll The computer is a moron. Peter Drucker Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window. Steve Wozniak Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads. Andy Rooney A wonderful thing about a book, in contrast to a computer screen, is that you can take it to bed with you. Daniel J. Boorstin The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers. Sydney J. Harris To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so. Robert Orben I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.' Elayne Boosler The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. Dave Barry I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. Dave Barry Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. Doug Larson I was afraid of the internet... because I couldn't type. Jack Welch Think? Why think! We have computers to do that for us. Jean Rostand

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron White I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. Frank Sinatra As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. Oliver Herford Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron White I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. Frank Sinatra As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. Oliver Herford Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov

Riddles Q: What has a foot but no legs? A: A snail Q: Poor people have it. Rich people need it. If you eat it you die. What is it? A: Nothing Q: What comes down but never goes up? A: Rain Q: I’m tall when I’m young and I’m short when I’m old. What am I? A: A candle Q: Mary’s father has 5 daughters – Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the fifth daughters name? A: If you answered Nunu, you are wrong. It’s Mary! Q: How can a pants pocket be empty and still have something in it? A: It can have a hole in it. Q: In a one-story pink house, there was a pink person, a pink cat, a pink fish, a pink computer, a pink chair, a pink table, a pink telephone, a pink shower– everything was pink! What color were the stairs? A: There weren’t any stairs, it was a one story house! A dad and his son were riding their bikes and crashed. Two ambulances came and took them to different hospitals. The man’s son was in the operating room and the doctor said, “I can’t operate on you. You’re my son.” How is that possible? A: The doctor is his mom! Q: What goes up when rain comes down? A: An umbrella! Q: What is the longest word in the dictionary? A: Smiles, because there is a mile between each ‘s’ Q: If I drink, I die. If i eat, I am fine. What am I? A: A fire! Q: Throw away the outside and cook the inside, then eat the outside and throw away the inside. What is it? A: Corn on the cob, because you throw away the husk, cook and eat the kernels, and throw away the cob. Q: What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? A: Short Q: What travels around the world but stays in one spot? A: A stamp! Q: What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment and never in one thousand years? A: The letter M Q: What has 4 eyes but can’t see? A: Mississippi Q: If I have it, I don’t share it. If I share it, I don’t have it. What is it? A: A Secret. Q: Take away my first letter, and I still sound the same. Take away my last letter, I still sound the same. Even take away my letter in the middle, I will still sound the same. I am a five letter word. What am I? A: EMPTY Q: What has hands but can not clap? A: A clock Q: What can you catch but not throw? A: A cold. Q: A house has 4 walls. All of the walls are facing south, and a bear is circling the house. What color is the bear? A: The house is on the north pole, so the bear is white. Q: What is at the end of a rainbow? A: The letter W! Q: What is as light as a feather, but even the world’s strongest man couldn’t hold it for more than a minute? A: His breath! Q: What starts with the letter “t”, is filled with “t” and ends in “t”? A: A teapot! Q: What is so delicate that saying its name breaks it? A: Silence. Q: You walk into a room with a match, a karosene lamp, a candle, and a fireplace. Which do you light first? A: The match. Q: A man was driving his truck. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. Up ahead, a woman was crossing the street. How did he see her? A: It was a bright and sunny day! Q: What kind of tree can you carry in your hand? A: A palm! Q: If an electric train is travelling south, which way is the smoke going? A: There is no smoke, it’s an electric train! Q: You draw a line. Without touching it, how do you make the line longer? A: You draw a shorter line next to it, and it becomes the longer line. Q: What has one eye but cannot see? A: A needle Q: A man leaves home and turns left three times, only to return home facing two men wearing masks. Who are those two men? A: A Catcher and Umpire. Q: Which weighs more, a pound of feathers or a pound of bricks? A: Neither, they both weigh one pound! Q: How many months have 28 days? A: All 12 months! Q: A frog jumped into a pot of cream and started treading. He soon felt something solid under his feet and was able to hop out of the pot. What did the frog feel under his feet? A: The frog felt butter under his feet, because he churned the cream and made butter. Q: A horse is on a 24 foot chain and wants an apple that is 26 feet away. How can the horse get to the apple? A: The chain is not attached to anything. Q: If a blue house is made out of blue bricks, a yellow house is made out of yellow bricks and a pink house is made out of pink bricks, what is a green house made of? A: Glass Q: What goes up a chimney down but can’t come down a chimney up? A: an umberella Q: We see it once in a year, twice in a week, and never in a day. What is it? A: The letter “E” Q: Mr. Blue lives in the blue house, Mr. Pink lives in the pink house, and Mr. Brown lives in the brown house. Who lives in the white house? A: The president! Q: They come out at night without being called, and are lost in the day without being stolen. What are they? A: Stars! Q: How do you make the number one disappear? A: Add the letter G and it’s “GONE” Q; What goes up but never comes down? A: Your age!

What time is it when you have to go the dentist? Tooth Hurty! Who likes to drink cocoa? A Cocoanut! Submitted by Jennifer, age 9 What did one eye say to the other eye? Between you and me, something smells. Submitted by Blake, age 6 What did the teacher say when it rained cats and dogs? Be careful not to step on a poodle! Submitted by Kelly, age 12 What is even smarter than a talking bird? A Spelling Bee! Submitted by Rebecca, age 11 Who is the greatest underwater spy? James POND! Submitted by Treven, age 10 What sickness does a martial artist have? Kung FLU! What happens if you take a one hundred foot dive into a glass of gingerale? Nothing! It's a SOFT drink! Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake! Submitted by Alexandra, age 12 What kind of a storm is always in a rush? A Hurry Cain! Submitted by Clouie, age 10 Why are there gates around graveyards? Because everybody is DYING to get in! Submitted by Kathleen, age 11 What do you get if you mix a car, a fly, and a dog? A flying carpet! What do you call a worm with no teeth? A gummy worm! Submitted by David, age 6 What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck! Submitted by Caitlin, age 9 How did the telephone propose to the lady? It gave her a ring! Submitted by Melissa, age 10 What pet does everyone have? An Armpet! submitted by Emman, age 9 What did the nut say when it sneezed? "Cashew"! Submitted by Emmy, age 7 What table can we eat? A vegeTABLE! Submitted by Emma, age 12 Which is faster: Hot or Cold? Hot, 'cause you can catch a cold! Submitted by Nicholas, age 12 Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second-hand shop! Submitted by Rameez, age 11 Why does "A" look like a flower? Because "B" follows it! Submitted by Lydia, age 9 Why did the boy tiptoe towards the medicine cabinet? Because he didn't want to wake the sleeping pills! Submitted by Nayantara, age 13 What did Cinderella say to the photographer? I want my "prints" back! Submitted by Annie, age 12 What is a cannibal's favourite game? Swallow the Leader! Why couldn't the teddy bear eat his dessert? He was stuffed! Submitted by Christina, age 12 What does a farmer use to count his cattle? A COWculator! Submitted by Christina, age 12 Why didn't the skeleton dance? Because he had no body to dance with! Submitted by Taylor, age 11 Who won when the two waves raced? They tide! Submitted by Taylor, age 11 Why did the boy put lipstick on his head? Because he wanted to make up his mind! Submitted by Kirsten, age 13 What happened to the dog that swallowed a watch? It got ticks! Submitted by Ashleigh, age 10 Who is the ruler of the beach? The Sand-witch! Submitted by Adam, age 8 Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize? Because he was out standing in his field! Submitted by Matt Which cat would you never play poker with? A Cheetah! Submitted by Elaina, age 11 Why did the kid cross the park? To get to the other slide! Submitted by Claudia, age 7 Why couldn't the pirates play cards? Because the captain was sitting on the deck! Submitted by Madison, age 9 What do you get when you a cross a vampire with a snowman? Frostbite! What do you call a fish without eyes? A fsh! Submitted by Leah, age 11 Why did the child bring his dad to school? 'Cause he had a POP quiz! Submitted by Leah, age 11 When a duck has no money, what does it tell the waiter? "Put it on my bill!" Submitted by Jake, age 10 Why doesn't Dracula have friends? 'Cause he's a pain in the neck! Submitted by Lauren, age 10 What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved! Submitted by Sarah, age 13 Why was the baby ant confused? Because all of his uncles were ants! Submitted by Allison, age 11 Why can't a nose be twelve inches long? Because then it'd be a foot! Submitted by Jercel When is a door not a door? When it's aJAR! Why do people carry umbrellas? Because umbrellas can't walk! Submitted by Jessica, age 11 Why do sharks swim in salt water? Because pepper water makes them sneeze! Submitted by Manisha, age 12 What is in a ghost's nose? BOO-gers! Submitted by Mateo, age 10 What did the man say when the church burnt down? Holy Smoke! Submitted by Parker Why can't you take a picture of a man with a wooden leg? Because a wooden leg is not made like a camera! Submitted by Ramona Why can't you tell jokes to an egg? Because it will crack up! Submitted by Layla, age 7 Why didn't the third grader go the pirate movie? Because it was rated "ARRR"! Submitted by Hannah, age 8 What has wheels and flies? A garbage truck! Submitted by Daren Why did the grizzly put on pyjamas? Because he was bear naked! Submitted by Jeannet, age 11 What gives you the power to walk through walls? A door! Submitted by Bray Bray, age 13 Why was the cucumber mad? Because it was in a pickle! Submitted by Natalie, age 11 Why did the bubblegum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot! Submitted by Brezdin, age 16 Why was the broom late for work? Because it over-swept! Submitted by Lashaunta What room has no walls? A mushroom! Submitted by Jaiya, age 9 Who was the best dancer at the monster dance? The boogie man! Submitted by Lashaunta What did the mayonnaise say to the fridge? Close the door, I'm dressing! What would the U.S. be called if everyone in it drove pink cars? A pink car-nation! Why was the ketchup last in the race? It couldn't ketch-up! Why did the cabbage win the race? Because it was a-head! What did the fridge say to the mayonnaise? Don't come in, I've got a cold! Why did the famous movie stars go to the river? They wanted to give out some otter-graphs! Where do you leave your dog while you shop? In a barking lot! What would the U.S. be called if everyone in it lived in their cars? An in-car-nation! What would the U.S. be called if everyone in it lived in their cars? A re-in-car-nation! How does the biologist like to communicate? With his cell phone! When do parents complain because of eye pain? When they have their eye on you! What's brown and sticky? A stick! Why did Superman cross the road? To get to the supermarket! Submitted by Richard, age 10 What did the football coach say to the banker? I want my quarter back! Submitted by Yawnie Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? 'Cause he didn't have the guts! What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley! Submitted by Chris, age 11 Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven "ate" nine! Submitted by Tommy, age 9