ghostxdreams2

A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that is sitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangled Banner! Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone to gather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter. After he finishes the disgusted bartender says "Why in the hell did you shit on my bar?" The drunk replies "Even Elvis had to clear his throat!"

Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too." Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?" Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?" Sam says, "How about rose?" "Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife. "Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it. When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist. The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?" The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do." The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?" The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might."

One day the little rascals were sitting in school. The teacher walked in, and said, "good morning class. Today we are going to play word games. I'm going to give you a word and I want you to put it in a sentence for me." She said "Spanky you're first. Your word is football." Spanky stood up and proudly said " I threw the football," and sat down. The teacher said "very good Spanky." Then the teacher said, "Darla, you're next. Your word is pretty." Darla stood up and said, " I think I'm very pretty!" Then she sat down. Then the teacher called on Buckwheat. She said, "Buckwheat, you're next. Your word is dictate." Buckwheat stood up looked at Arial, and said, "Hey Darla! How'd my dic tate las nigh?

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http://news.yahoo.com/windows-xp-diehards-aren-t-going-quietly-045944420.html Microsoft has a problem: It desperately wants any remainingWindows XP users to upgrade to a newer version of the operating system but a huge chunk of them still haven’t budged. The latest numbers from NetMarketShare show that Windows XP still accounts for around 29.5% of all desktops in use even though Microsoft is due to end support for the 13-year-old platform on April 8th. ZDNet reports that Microsoft plans to pester remaining XP holdovers starting next week by sending them pop-up notifications reminding them — again — that it will end XP support within a month. However, as Computerworld reports, Microsoft may have a tough time convincing some Windows XP users to upgrade because it’s trying to sell them on Windows 8, the hugely polarizing operating system that has angered many longtime PC users by eliminating the traditional Start menu and by adding the touch-centric Live Tiles interface a staple feature. Computerworld writes that many Windows users expressed anger last month when Microsoft asked them to help switch as many people as they could from Windows XP to Windows 8.1 in part because Microsoft hasn’t offered any sort of discount for Windows XP users making the switch. This is particularly irksome, these users said, because switching from XP to Windows 8.1 won’t just require a software upgrade but will instead likely force them to buy new machines capable of running Microsoft’s new touch-centric OS. Some users were also annoyed that Microsoft only mentioned Windows 8.1 and not Windows 7 as upgrade possibilities. In the end, it looks like when Microsoft ends support for Windows XP next month there will still be a huge chunk of the desktop PC world using the platform. Hackers who have been saving up all their best new malware forthe day when Windows XP support ends are about to have a field day.

A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with. Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant. The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his expierence. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy. he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks." The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result. "This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought. A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: Each for not wearing a seat belt!

First man: How'd you get that black eye? Second man: I called some woman a two-bit whore. First man: She punched you? Second man: Nope. She hit me with her bag of quarters.

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.... 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith..... 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

A MOST ELEGANT LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S ... SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT... AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS... TERRIBLY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED HER LITTLE WHOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR... AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER... GOOD LOOKING AS WELL .. COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY, HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, "GOOD DAY, MADAM .. HOW MAY WE HELP YOU TODAY???" BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, "SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET?" HE ANSWERS, "MADAM ... IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT, YOU'RE GOING TO SHIT WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE.

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, He knows the end is near, and is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So...", he says to them: "Bernie , I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza ." "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center ." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown." The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property". Sarah replies, "Property..?! The Moron has a paper route...!"

thxs fer the smiles

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women." "Yeah what happened?" asked the other. The first guy replies, "Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

https://www.yahoo.com/food/artist-makes-sculptures-from-forks-knives-and-spoons-79178477839.html

A man received a text message from his neighbor, saying: Dear neighbor, I send you this text because I am crushed by remorse, you have always been so nice to me that you did not deserve my shameful actions. And here are the facts that I must confess to you and deeply apologize for, Whenever, you're not present at your home, day or night, I am using your Wife, for a long time I have enjoyed it, but now I really feel the guilt and I wish you will accept my most sincere apologies ! Totally enraged by the situation, the man went in his basement, picked-up his shotgun, came back upstairs, walked in his room and shot his wife dead ! A few minutes later he received another text message that said: Sorry Sir for the spelling mistake, I wrote Wife but of course, it was your Wifi.. ! Have a nice day

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear. The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms. The third nurse fainted.

This redneck gets married, but on his wedding night he doesn't know what to do. He's fumbling around for a while, but finally his wife gets fed up and says, "Jeb, ya big idiot! Yer s'pposed to take that thing you play with and put it where I pee!" ...So he got his bowling bowl and threw it in the outhouse!

The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

you ever hear about rodeo sex?-------------------------- thats where you mount your woman from behind and tell her she is just as good as her sister and hang on for 8 secs

You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this.... It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1958 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. "Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked. "Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..." "Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him. "Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows. "Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous. "Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!" "Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening. "Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left. Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. "The TWIST, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

i voted intel because tech paid me too

A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen.

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."