ghostxdreams2

thank you

young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that. So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo.

Getting old is easy..... Having fun at it is the real trick. I celebrated my birthday this year by buying an all-terrain 4 wheeler. This is a picture of me playing with it in the back yard.....

Green Shoes just in time for the Masters...! Whether you golf or not. These are AWESOME shoes! Nike now markets Green Shoes

WOMEN A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible... No wait...Sorry. I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind. __._,_.___

Your Duck is Dead A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry. Your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Work and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

i know a lot of you look forward to my post of Wal-Mart people and Motivational posters but last Friday i went to the dentist and had 4 teeth pulled and new teeth made and put in so needless to say i,m still a bit sore but i wanted to get on here and @ least post a joke i hopefully will be back to my old posting self next week until then rember keep smiling -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Grandma's boyfriend A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?' Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.' Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?' The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend...' The minister fainted. Now, that's funny... I don't care WHO you are....! ============================================================ Baptist Cowboy A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

THE TOILET SEAT My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed."

An employee at the Galesburg, Illinois, branch of McDonald’s was stunned when a couple pulled up to the serving window completely naked. As the car rolled up, the unfortunate worker saw the man crouched over in the driver’s seat trying to pull on a pair of trousers. His female passenger, meanwhile, began covering herself up in a blanket. Police were called and then found the couple eating their food in the McDonald’s car park. The pair told officers the late night nude food run might not have been a great idea, but that they still thought it was funny. A 21-year-old woman from Galesburg and a 19-year-old man from nearby El Paso were arrested and taken to Knox County Jail. They have been released and now face public indecency charges at a court hearing in the new year.

pretty cool some of this i had seen but some is new thanks for the update

The Pastor's Ass A pastor wanted to raise money for his church, and on being told that there was a fortune to be made in horses decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline: "Pastor's Ass Shows." The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won! The local paper read: "Pastor's Ass Out Front." The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper read: "Bishop Scratches Pastor's Ass". The bishop was fit to be tied! He ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing the news, posted this headline the next day: "Nun Has Best Ass in Town." The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read: "Nun Sells Ass For $10.00." After the bishop was revived, he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: "Nun Announces Her Ass Is Wild and Free". The Bishop was buried the next day....! ---------------- The moral of the story is . . . Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' 'Of course child. What can I do for you?' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened, but it’s well over Customs limits, and I’m afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps? With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' The priest replied, 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!’

:lol:

what,ca looking @ baldie?

Dude you really need a tic-tac

lmao

Great Hunt Shot my first turkey yesterday! Scared the crap outta everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome! Gettin' old is so much fun... Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set us off.

ok but wheres the shaved pussies?

:lol: