ghostxdreams2

I was in a pub last Saturday night. Had a few....and noticed two very large women at the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked... "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?" One of them chirped... "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!" So, I immediately apologized and said... "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?" That's all I remember. {:-(

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me..." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault, today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years..."

it,s amazeing how time will jump on you and slam you to the ground it semed just like yesterday i was watching theses dam i sure am glad i didn,t change :lol: ok not everything has changed Then Now remember he said change was good --------ya right

THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! We Must Stop This Immediately ! Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become! And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader? I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there! All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities

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Cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms, please. Cashier: Do you need a paper bag with that, sir? Cowboy: Nah.... She ain't that ugly!

Daddy. How was I born? A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, "Well, son. I guess, one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom, and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said": Scroll down...You'll love this.... you got male :lol: :lol:

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they do have it here the ole lady is always pushing my button :lol:

http://youtu.be/9OIJRMqYAA0

even toons want a peek

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, "WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?" THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND." "I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM," THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT. THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO. WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER. HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID, "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE...."

GOD'S SENSE OF HUMOR While creating wives, God promised men that obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. And then He made the earth round.

http://youtu.be/be7O4m9rOZE

thxs useful

next thing you guys will want to hunt for her-----------------* snicker* eggs

:lol: oldie but goodie

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS... Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why. A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now, the police had arrived. Breathe here... They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake! The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out). Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife told her husband that she thought they should bring in their plants for the night. And that's when he shot her.... __._,_.___

Why I Owe My Mother .... ************************************** 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS . "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .. "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." And my favorite: 25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!" Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!! But, there is one missing from this list~~My personal all time favorite!! My mother taught me about CHOICE. "Do you want me to stop this car?"