ghostxdreams2

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him with a smirk and s...ays, "You want ketchup on that?" The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

Why Go to Church? One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." "Why not?" she asked. I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them." His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church: (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!" The Picnic A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annua l 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding." The Usher An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row, please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No," he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No," she said. "Good," he answered. Show and Tell A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole." The Best Way To Pray A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole." The Twenty and the One A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ." "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ." The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?" Goat for Dinner The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' " __________________

A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant. The doctor says, "I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?" The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you FART?"

Mike Is Dead! Two guys in a bar... One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!" " Wooo, what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." "What a horrible way to die!" "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones." "What a way to go, that's terrible!" "No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him." "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!" "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him." "Man, what a way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him." "Now that is one awful way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he ..." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my fucking house."

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?' 'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it...' The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?' The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.' The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?' 'Well' says the cowboy 'it says you're not wearing any panties.' The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!' The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.'

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product." That warning is the first place winner of the 2004 Wacky Warning Label Contest. The Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, a group whose goal is to show that the fear of frivolous lawsuits has led to a loss of corporate common sense, sponsors the annual contest for the wackiest warning labels. "Wacky warning labels are a sign of our lawsuit-plagued times," Robert B. Dorigo Jones, president of the nonprofit Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch group, said in the news release announcing the contest winners. "It used to be that if someone spilled coffee in their lap, they simply called themselves clumsy. Today, too many people are calling themselves an attorney." Second place: On a snow sled: "Beware: sled may develop high speed under certain snow conditions." Third place: On a 12-inch-high storage rack for compact discs: "Do not use as a ladder." Fourth place: A 5-inch fishing lure with three nasty steel hooks advises it is "Harmful if swallowed." Too bad fish can't read! Previous winners in the "Wacky Warning Label Contest" are presented here for your amusement and amazement: * A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions, "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." * A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user: "Remove child before folding." * A bottle of prescription sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause drowsiness." * A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." * A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult." * An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." * A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use "while sleeping or unconscious." * A container of underarm deodorant says, "Caution: Do not spray in eyes." * A cartridge for a laser printer warns, "Do not eat toner." * A household iron warns users: "Never iron clothes while they are being worn." * A label with a hair dryer reads, "Never use hair dryer while sleeping." * A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: "Not intended for highway use." * A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, "Do not drive with sunshield in place." * A bathroom heater says: "This product is not to be used in bathrooms." * A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: "May irritate eyes." * A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." * A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: "Caution: Risk of Fire." * A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity." * "Do not use snow blower on the roof." * "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher."

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me. 4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast. 5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here. 7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's. 11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect. 13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" 19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a Subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was Plastered with red lipstick, and A half-empty bottle of gin was Sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He Opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest And asked, "Say Father, What causes arthritis?" The priest Replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," Then returned To his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, Nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come On so strong. How long Have you had arthritis?" The drunk Answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here That the Pope does."