ghostxdreams2

Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants? - So people can read her lips. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. Wedding cake!

you know thats right make me one i will pay for shipping lol

Georgia Grandma Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his... first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair...!!

that one had me rolling thanks

Number 9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world. Number 8 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 6 Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. Number 5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years. Number 4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing. Number 3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. Number 1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow. ... and as someone recently said to me: Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.

I rear ended a car this morning... I tell you, I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a Little Person. He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy...!' So I said, 'Well.... Which one ARE you then...?' And.. that's how the fight started...

The photograph displayed above has intrigued many power tool buffs and firearm aficionados, but the item depicted is not a product of the DeWalt corporation (or any other tool or firearm manufacturer), it isn't a real power tool, it doesn't fire nails, and it isn't a weapon that legally skirts applicable laws regarding the sale, use, or ownership of firearms. This "rapid-fire nail gun" is a standard ArmaLite AR-15/M-16 semi-automatic rifle, outfitted with parts from various DeWalt power tools. This hybrid creation sprang from the imagination of David Wiggins, who explained how he came to create it: I'd just picked up a new (to me) M-16 and was in the process of fixing it up a little. It needed new furniture anyway, so I sourced the safety yellow stock, guard, and grip. Then, I went down to the DeWalt factory service place a few miles from the house to get a sticker. There, I saw they had brand new battery casings, so I picked up one of those too. I got home, found a short magazine , and got to work. I traced an approximation of the size hole I'd need in the top of the plastic casing, and slowly dremeled away the plastic I didn't need. Once done, I epoxied the magazine body into the hole and quickly assembled everything so that I could make sure it all looked right before the epoxy set up. Once the epoxy cured, I took the mag back apart, cleaned up some of the bigger resin boogers, and then masked the top of the mag and hit it w/ some mil-spec glossy black coating (aka Krylon). Fans of HBO's The Wire might recall the scene in which Felicia "Snoop" Pearson, a soldier in Marlo Stanfield's drug-dealing organization, visits a Hardware Barn store to buy a nail gun (for the purpose of nailing shut the doorways of abandoned buildings in which the Stanfield gang has hidden the bodies of murdered rivals) and engages a sale clerk in a discussion of the available product choices using terminology reminiscent of a firearms purchase: Read more at http://www.snopes.com/photos/technology/nailgun.asp#fUDbKPwtDPDbvM0i.99

i ran across this and wanted to share it with you i was shocked i really must warn you before you go to this site there are pictures of dead bodies and animals. it is a place that i really did not know was in the world . we as americans do not see this kind of stuff it really makes you appreciate what you have. after seeing this it turned my stomach i really can not understand how people can live like this. in the day and age theses pics was taken in india in the small town of Bodhgaya , the place where 2500 years ago Buddha achieved enlightenment this was taken in 2008 by a group of chinese on vacation. once again i can not express strong enough how how graphic theses pics are if you have a strong stomach and can make it all the way thru to the end i have a feeling you will change how you look @ the things around you. http://www.chinasmack.com/2010/pictures/filthy-india-photos-chinese-netizen-reactions.html

http://news.yahoo.com/watch-as-kids-react-to-apple-s-first-desktop-computer-183319453.html

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull you finger out, I'll sink?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Judy arrived home from her date, tossed her coat over a chair, her handbag over the banister, she threw her clothes around the bedroom without care. The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked her if she had a good time? "Oh", sighed Judy, "I had a wonderful time." "I thought as much", her mother remarked, "Your underpants are still stuck to the ceiling!"

For many years, the border between Poland and Russia was volatile. Due to a political shift, a farmer found that he was no longer a Russian, but had become a Pole. Thrilled, he told his wife, "Thank God ! No more of those freezing Russian winters."

A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been. "Oh, it was very disappointing," he said. "I didn't kill a thing. I'd have been better off staying here in the hospital." doctors the only people in the world that can kill you charge the crap out of your family and get away with it

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees. "A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies. The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees. "A man and a woman making love in a boat." He holds up the third picture. "A man and a woman making love at the beach." This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures. At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, "It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex." And the man replies, "Well, you're the one with the dirty pictures."

lol@neo

Tit From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia TIT, Tit, Tits, or tit may refer to: Birds Tit (bird) or Paridae, a large family of passerine birds Bearded Tit, a small reed-bed passerine bird Long-tailed tits or Aegithalidae, a family of passerine birds with long tails Tit-babbler or Macronus, a genus in the family Timaliidae Tit Berrypecker, a species of bird in the Paramythiidae family Tit Hylia, a species of bird in the Cettiidae family Tomtit, a small passerine bird of the family Petroicidae Wrentit, a small bird, the only species in the genus Chamaea Places Tit, Adrar, a town in Adrar Province, central Algeria Tit, Tamanrasset, a village in Tamanrasset Province, southern Algeria Tit-e Olya, a village in West Azerbaijan Province, Iran Tit-e Sofla, a village in West Azerbaijan Province, Iran Tehran International Tower, a residential tower located in Tehran, Iran People Jacques Tits (born 1930), French/Belgian mathematician Tit Liviu Chinezu (1904–1955), Romanian bishop of the Greek-Catholic Church Tit Linda Sou (born 1989), female track and field sprint athlete who competes internationally for Cambodia Mathematics Tarski's indefinability theorem, a theorem which states that arithmetical truth cannot be defined in arithmetic Tits alternative, an important theorem about the structure of finitely generated linear groups Tits group, a finite simple group 2F4(2)′ Organizations Technological Institute of Textile & Sciences, situated in Bhiwani, State of Haryana in India Tokyo Institute of Technology, a national top-tier research university located in Greater Tokyo Area, Japan Turkish Revenge Brigade or TİT, an ultra-nationalist militant organisation in Turkey Other uses Tit., abbreviation for the Epistle of Paul to Titus, part of the New Testament Teat, an organ in female mammals that produces milk to feed young offspring Breast of a woman, vulgar slang, usually used in the plural Trotters Independent Traders, a fictional company from the BBC sitcom Only Fools and Horses

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline. What's the problem Cobber?" "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the Minge by a Wasp and now her Pussy has completely closed up." "Bummer" mate..! " Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that... Bye."

all i got in my state is walmart jobs i,m going to be a greeter---------hi welcome to walmart get ur shit and get out ya,ll come back now hear?

@tech

I once wrote a book called How to Keep an Idiot Entertained for Hours. It went like this: To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the next sentence. To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the previous sentence." It didn't sell very well. I thought with the short attention span of people these days it may have been too long, so I rewrote it. The 2nd edition went: "To keep an idiot busy for hours, re-read this sentence." It's doing pretty good. I have a deal for the sequel. The 3rd edition is going to go: "Re-read this line." Now, if I could just find the time to write it.

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross- eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down" "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men. The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!" The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?" The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!" Without hesitating, the private kills the man. The general says, "See? That man has balls!" The marine general says, That's nothing. Private, get over here!" The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?" The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself." Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds. The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!" The admiral says, "That's nothing." He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off that tower!" The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?" The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!" The seaman replies, "Fuck you, sir!" The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!"