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ghostxdreams2

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Posts posted by ghostxdreams2

  3. Posted · Report reply

    A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a
    giraffe walked in.
    "Get a load of her" said the mouse, "what a babe!" "Well, why not try
    your luck?" replied
    the lion.

    So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to
    her.

    Within five minutes they're out the door and into the night.

    The next day, the lion was drinking in the

    bar, when the mouse staggered in.

    The mouse is completely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up.

    The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink
    down his throat and
    said, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that?

    Was she all right?"
    The mouse replied, "Yeah, she was really something, we went out to
    dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night.

    And oh, man!
    I've never had a night like it!" "But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asked the lion.

    "Well" said the mouse, "between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!"

    • Like 2

  4. Posted · Report reply

    A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were
    getting ready to go out on dates. The first
    beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm
    here to pick up Betty. We're going for
    spaghetti, is she ready?"
    No. The second beau came to the door and said,
    "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to
    the show. Is she ready to go?"
    No. The third beau came to the door and said to
    the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."
    The farmer shot Chuck.

    • Like 3

  5. Posted · Report reply

    After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly
    announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a
    minister when I grow up.

    "That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you
    decide to be a minister?"

    "Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday
    anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than
    to sit still and listen.

    • Like 2

  11. Posted · Report reply

    This man goes into the doctor with his ringhole in a terrible state, really bad now.
    Doctor: "What happened to you?"
    He says: "I was in Africa on safari and I got raped by an elephant!"
    Doctor: "But I don't understand. Elephant penises are very narrow and couldn't cause that much damage!"
    He says "Aah but you see doctor, he fingered me first!"

    • Like 2

  12. Posted · Report reply

    A couple was planning on getting married. Seeing how they didn't
    have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided to just go back
    to their new apartment after the wedding.

    The groom had three close friends, that were prone to committing
    practical jokes. One being a carpenter, the other a ordinary guy,
    and the third a dentist.

    They all decided to pull practical jokes on their newly married
    friends. The carpenter decided he would cut the slats in the bed
    so that when they climbed into bed, the bed would collapse. The
    ordinary guy decided to short sheet the bed, so that when they got
    into it their feet wouldn't reach the bottom. The dentist chuckled
    and wouldn't tell anyone what he planned to do.

    A week later the 3 friends all received letters in the mail. "Dear
    friends, we didn't mind the fact that when we got into bed, the
    bed collapsed, or the guy that short sheeted it, but I'm gonna kill
    the bastard that put the novocaine in the vaseline!"

    • Like 2

  14. Posted · Report reply

    It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed
    to confess, so he went to his Priest.
    "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in
    my attic."
    "Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."
    "But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."
    "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
    "Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more
    question."
    "What is it son."
    "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

    • Like 1

  19. Posted · Report reply

     
    THE COW, THE ANT, AND THE OLD FART
     
    A cow, an ant, and an old fart are debating about who is the greatest of the three of them. 
     
    The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
     
    The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter.
    I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"

    .

    .
    .
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.
     
    • Like 3

  20. Posted · Report reply

    It was Sunday morning, and the priest had already

    preached to the adults in the congregation. 

      Now he was presenting a children's sermon.

     

    He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was. 

      

     

    Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial,

    but at the same time, asking children questions in front of

    a congregation can also be very dangerous. 

    In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand. 

      

       

    The priest called on him and the boy said, 

    "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more

    than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor." 

      

    It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle

    down enough for the service to continue.

    • Like 3

  21. Posted · Report reply 

    http://www.wikihow.com/Defecate
    How to Defecate: 5 Steps - wikiHow
    When sitting on the toilet, try and spread the cheeks of your buttocks so the outgoing excrement does not touch your cheeks. This will allow for a quick wiping  
     
    1

    Have quick access to a toilet. Know that the opportune place will need to be private; where you will not be disturbed by others.

     

    2

    Wait until the opportune time to leave a stool. If you decide to visit the toilet too early then you may find yourself in a situation of being somewhat constipated and having to wait a long time to leave a stool. Do yourself a favor and save some time in your already busy life, wait until it is time for the excrement to come out. On the other hand, you do not want to wait until it is too late; this scenario is self-explanatory.

    3

    Do not try and force the excrement to leave too early. Drop it and run, if in a hurry.Nature will take its course. It is important that you relax while sitting on the toilet. It will allow for the internal anal sphincter muscles to relax and allow the excrement to leave you.

     

    4

    Wipe yourself clean.

     

    5

     

    light match

     

    6

     

    finally after your done step out and a very loud voice say DO-NOT GO IN THERE

    • Like 1

  22. Posted · Report reply





    A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish and play golf. 
    He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
    "Pick me up. " 

    He looked around and couldn't see any one.
    He thought he was dreaming when he heard the
    voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water
    and there, floating on the top , was a frog. 

    The man said, "Are you talking to me?" 

    The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me
    and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
    I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous
    because I will be your bride!" 

    The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked
    it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. 

    Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts?
    Didn't you hear what I said?
    I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." 

    He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 
    "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog...."
    • Like 2
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