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ghostxdreams2

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Posts posted by ghostxdreams2

  1. Posted · Report reply

    An English taxidermist is sweating his way through the Australian
    outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer
    swilling locals and in his well educated voice asks the bartender,
    "May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man."

    One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what kind of a
    f-king man's drink is that?"

    Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you, you f-king Pom!
    Gin and f-king tonic -- are you some f-king kind of a poofter or
    something?"

    "Ac...actually," the englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a
    taxidermist."

    "Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist then?"

    "I mount d..d..dead animals."

    "It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "He's
    one of us!"

    • Like 2

  4. Posted · Report reply

    Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they
    make
    love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped
    on her
    reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his
    hand.
    "Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been
    using
    on me for the last 5 years?" "Honey, let me explain..." "Why, you
    sneaky
    bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -" "Speaking of
    sneaky,"
    her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three
    kids."

    • Like 4

  5. Posted · Report reply

    One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's
    crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at
    the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions:
    disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment,
    skepticism.

    Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it
    aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her
    husband.

    "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

    "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can
    make a crib like that for only $46.50."

    • Like 4

  7. Posted · Report reply

    A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat.
    They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the
    Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built
    us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink
    vodka and play Russian roulette."

    The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." The
    diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you
    want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play.
    "I'll show you how."

    He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude
    women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give
    you oral sex," he told the American.

    "That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like
    Russian roulette."

    "Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."

    • Like 3

  8. Posted · Report reply

    Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. 

    Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

     

    He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

     

    Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

     

    When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

     

    The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

     

    Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

     

    Happy Mental Health Day!

    • Like 2

  9. Posted · Report reply 


    
http://johnwilsonbach.com/2014/07/07/darkness/

    hardly felt anything. Our guests said, much later, they might have felt a little tingle to the air, but nothing more than that. The kids were too busy laughing over a movie on TV to notice. My wife, deep into a conversation over a medical bill fouled up by the insurance company, didn’t feel anything either.

     

    It went dark.

     

    Completely and utterly dark.

     

    The first joke came from one of our dinner guests, a banker friend, who chided, “Maybe you forgot to pay the light bill.” A few chuckles all around.

     

    I raised my hand, pointing my finger for emphasis, “I know where the candles are. I am prepared.”

     

    By the time I made my way to the kitchen counter, my eyes had adjusted to the darkness a bit. I peeked out through the kitchen window. It seemed eerily dark outside. And still. No house lights. No street lights. A hint of moonlight.

     

    I heard a couple of theories already floating in from the dining room.

     

    “Lightning strike somewhere?”

     

    “I heard of a squirrel one time climbed up on a transformer and got zapped. Made the whole town go dark for hours.”

     

    I heard the kids complaining lightly that their movie had just gotten to the good part.

     

    I found my stash of candles and made my way back out to the dining room.  Five lighted candles gave the room enough light and coziness for the conversation to continue. Discussions over medical bills and kids activities changed to childhood memories of power outages. One of our guests poked her husband in the ribs and said, “Glad we’re here! We wouldn’t know where to find candles in our house.” Another guest chimed in that he wouldn’t care about candles or movies as long as his beer stayed cold. That reminded my wife that the cold items on the table should probably be put back into the refrigerator.

     

    “I’ll help,” one of our friends offered. Turning to her husband, “Can you grab a couple of candles and light our way?”

     

    Sometime right around then the thought entered into my mind for good. It had originally jumped in right off the bat but had been chased away in my efforts at getting the candles set up. Now it was back.

     

    Electromagnetic Pulse.

     

    Politicians had talked of it, conspiracy theorists had pined on and on about getting ready for it, the general public had ignored it. I had made scant provisions.

     

    I thought to myself that if this was the event, we were screwed. Why hadn’t I listened a little more to the “What if?” side of me and made better provisions?

     

    I quietly grabbed my car keys, mumbled that I would be right back, and made my way to the door, which was open.

     

    Sitting on the front stoop was Jack, one of our guests. In all the hubbub and conversation, I hadn’t noticed him leaving the room or going outside.

     

    “Jack?”

     

    He didn’t turn to me or even look up. He just muttered something under his breath. His keys lay at his feet on the sidewalk.

     

    “Jack, you okay?”

     

    He spoke louder this time. “It’s over, John Wilson. She won’t start. None of ‘em will.”

     

    ‘What?” I feigned ignorance, as if somehow to quell my own fears beginning to well up.

     

    “Go ahead and try.”

     

    I looked over to my car parked in the driveway. The garage always managed to stay too full of stuff to park both of our cars in. My wife’s car, being the more valuable one, enjoyed the privilege. I walked resolutely, already in defeat, to my car. I reached to the remote door opener on my key chain. I hesitated and then pushed the button, waiting for the customary click of the doors unlocking. Nothing. I held the opener out and pointed it carefully toward the car. I clicked purposefully.

     

    “It won’t start, John Wilson,” I heard Jack say. “None of ‘em will.”

     

    I unlocked the front door with the key and got into my car. The dome light didn’t come on. I found the ignition switch, inserted the key, and turned it. Nothing.

     

    I looked around at all of the neighbors’ houses, looking for a light, somewhere. One electric light still burning to allay my fears. Nothing.

     

    I got out of the car, and looked at Jack. He was nodding at me, his mouth a grim line of resignation on his face. I glanced around again, looking for light. Nothing.

     

    I stood still and bowed my head and closed my eyes. I had just realized how silent it was, and it had just registered with me that of course it would be silent. There would be no cars out on the roads, no motorcycles or trucks rumbling by, no jets flying overhead. Indeed, any jets that had been up in the sky would have already fallen down to the earth. Any crew member on board, every passenger unlucky enough to have been in flight at just that moment, anyone on the ground in the way of the crash sights, thousands of crash sights, all of them would already be dead. How many jets had slammed violently into the oceans? Perhaps some were still floating as debris, the dead within, awaiting the slippery sinking into the cold depths. No one would seek them out to bring them home.

     

    I bowed my head and listened as intently as I could.

     

    I had been through this scenario briefly in my mind before. Anyone in surgery would die on the table. The backup generators wouldn’t kick in. Not with this type of EMP. I reached for my knowledge on the subject. Solar or manmade? I couldn’t remember the various theories about which type would shut everything down. I was glad it was summer so we wouldn’t freeze in our own homes.

     

    I heard some voices down the street. Down the dark street out there. Some folks were wondering aloud about the outage. Someone the other direction somewhere laughed. I wondered what was funny. I heard a door shut. Jack sighed loudly.

     

    “Did you prepare for this?” he asked.

     

    “No, not really,” I answered. “Thought about it… some.”

     

    “Yeah, me too,” he scoffed a little. “Some.”

     

    ‘Jack?” His wife came out. “Jack, are you out here?”

     

    “Yeah.’

     

    I waved a little.

     

    “Oh hi, John Wilson. What are you guys doing? Wow! it’s so dark, even out here! Must be some outage.”

     

    “Yeah…” I agreed.

     

    “We’re starting a game of pinochle. Need two more hands for six-handed. You guys want in? We found some more candles.” She held the door open.

     

    “Ummm…”

     

    “Oh yeah, John Wilson, I forgot… the water’s out too! How can that be?”

     

    “Really?” I answered in faux surprise. “Wow, this is some outage. I don’t know.”

     

    I glanced at Jack. He closed his eyes and shook his head gently. “Yeah, honey, we’ll be right in. Just give us a second.”

     

    “Okay, sure,” she hesitated. “You guys okay?”

     

    “Oh yeah,” I lied. “Fine.”

     

    The door closed gently, and I walked over to Jack and offered my hand in a handshake. He looked at me. He looked at my hand and back at me.

     

    “Let’s give them a few more hours, Jack, what do you say?”

     

    He looked down.

     

    “They’ll find out soon enough.”

     

    He looked back up and reached out to my waiting hand and shook it.

     

    “Might as well,” he agreed. “Might as well.”

     

    On the way in I remembered how this would play out. Curiosity would lead to fear and anger and then disgust and then resignation and then desperation and then death. There would be a few, out away from the cities, who would make it. Relative to the masses, a few. Many had written on the progression of what would unfold. No fresh water, no groceries restocked on the quickly emptying shelves. No gasoline. No cars made after sometime in the 1970’s – the debate over exactly what year would now be settled – to run on the gasoline no longer available. No renewed prescriptions. After a few days, no police or fire protection. That’s when the chaos would start full-throttle. When the feral masses in the cities ran out of water and food, and ran out of places to steal it from. When no one around had anything to steal. When the migrations out into the countryside started. The violence.

     

    John Wilson had no place – no relatives, no friends – out in the country to help him. Even if he did, it was too far to walk. His house lay precisely nine miles from the heart of the city. People everywhere. Thirsty, hungry, angry people. Even a martial force would not control a million such people.

     

    He closed the door behind him and headed into the card game. He hesitated. Reaching back, he locked the door. For no reason.

     

    Think of this… since the dawn of human history… Biblically, that’s roughly 6,000 years? – Since that time, electricity has only been harnessed for somewhat over 100 of those years. About 1/60th of human history. Yet cripple it now, take it away, and most of our civilization would crumble within weeks. The civilized, the tame, the finer things, the finer people… all would become feral. The important details of today, appointments, political arguments, what movie to see… no one would care any longer.

     

    Perhaps, worst of all, no computers. No johnwilsonbach.com. Come to think of it, why are you reading this? Is there not something better to do with your time?

     

    • Like 1

  12. Posted · Report reply

    After having failed his exam, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

    Student: 

    “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”

     

    Professor: 

    “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”

     

    Student: 

    “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the Exam.”

     

    Professor: 

    “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

     

    Student: 

    “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

     

    Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.

    Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

     

    He immediately answers: 

    “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 17 Year old lover, which is logical but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical.” 

    • Like 4

  13. Posted · Report reply

    A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast.

    I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done.

    She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.

    Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself."

    So she agrees.

    Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened?

    She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still f*cking!"

    • Like 6

  14. Posted · Report reply

    A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

    The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.

    In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.

    In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.

    After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

    This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

    The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also.

    In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

    In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable.

    After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

    “A Christmas tree?”the daughter asks.

    “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.” 

    • Like 4

  20. Posted · Report reply

    i used to have a Linksys had one when they first came out loved that thing was very sad when it died:( ya i know i could have bought another one but the price was right on netgrear at the time i will probable get a Linksys in the future 

    • Like 1

  21. Posted · Report reply

    Ok, loaded a clean windows 7 with no other programs. It is the only pc on and prints with no problem. The only new thing is the new moden/router from AT&T. The printers drop off line with the PC either on or off. I also have wifi on two ipads with no problems. The old modem/router would drop everything not just the printers, but it was getting old. So far neither of the pc's have dropped. I think I will go back to the old modem/router and see if I still have the problem. If that will fix the problem I will buy a new modem/router and dump this piece of crap. The mf4880 just dropped, so I guess the clean load didn't help. Thanks to all for the help.

    glad to hear you loaded a new load of os that  eliminates all programs that you may have loaded so now it boils down to hardware so at least it narrows it down--- now if it was me like i said before i would take my stuff to a friends or kin folks house and set it up and see if it happens there if it does then that tells you that your place is clean.

    next step after that try a new modem either borrowed or a new one just an ideal hope it helps 

    p.s

    captain nemo your input is always welcome as is anyone's like my granddad always said: there is no such thing as a stupid question but there sure are alot of stupid answers

    • Like 1

  22. Posted · Report reply 


    
http://news.yahoo.com/creepiest-internet-tracking-tool-yet-virtually-impossible-block-170017224.html

    Internet users who are actively trying to make sure their online activity isn’t tracked by websites or government agencies should know there’s an even creepier tracking tool out there used by a variety of websites, “from WhiteHouse.gov to YouPorn,” as ProPublica puts it, that’s almost impossible to block.

     

    Called “canvas fingerprinting,” the tool built by AddThis instructs web browsers to create a hidden, unique image that can be used to track the user’s movements from site to site – much like a fingerprint – in order to deliver better targeted ads. The technology began testing earlier this year as a way to replace website cookies.

    Canvas fingerprinting has been first observed by researchers at Princeton University and KU Leuven University in Belgium, who wrote a paper on it, and it’s apparently very difficult to block.

    The online tools that prevent online tracking can’t fight this particular type of technology, so don’t go to AdBlock Plus hoping that your problems will be solved. Incognito modes available on browsers are also not able to protect the user’s privacy by avoiding canvas fingerprinting, which means that parties using the technology will still be able to track users who think they’re safe behind incognito browser features.

    There’s currently no tool that will offer a hassle-free way of blocking canvas fingerprinting, butGizmodo offers various ways of trying to fight it. Users can either use Tor, install a NoScript Firefox extension, download and use the Chameleon browser or blocking JavaScript from a browser altogether, but either choice may also offer a worse Internet browsing experience.

    AddThis told ProPublica that so far it has used the data obtained from its technology only from internal research and development, and that an AddThis opt-out cookie exists, and can be installed in order to stop AddThis from using data for ad targeting and personalization.

    The company has apparently rolled out the feature to a “small portion of the 13 million websites on which its technology appears,” without notifying websites about it. The company also said the technique is not “uniquely identifying enough,” adding that it won’t use tracking data from governmental sites for ad purposes.

    In a follow-up comment, a YouPorn representative said the company was not aware of the tracking feature, and that AddThis technology has now been removed upon discovery of the canvas fingerprinting tracking feature.

     

    • Like 5

  23. Posted · Report reply

    ok now that we know what os you are using my next step would be to load a clean load on a pc *if you have the know how * the reason i say this is to make sure that it is not a software issue outside of the os *like windows 7* like a firewall or anti virus program.

    if you load a clean os and still have problems then i would start thinking about what has changed sense this started happening like did you have any new elec. work done?

    i had a friend that put in a wet-bar and suddenly he couldn,t pickup WiFi in his kitchen

     something about the type of wiring they *the electricians*had used.

    it interfered with the WiFi signal  just enough to make it to weak to pick up in there.

    next borrow /buy a new wifi get 1 from walmart try it out if it acts up keep ur reciept  and take it back  to walmart that will tell you if it is ur wifi. option two do you have a friend where you can go to their house and use all of ur stuff there?

    the reason i say this did anyone build anything new close to ur house like a new sub elec station/radio station/has anyone start using a ham radio? just a few ideals hope this gets you down the right path good luck

    • Like 1

  24. Posted · Report reply

    Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

     

    I always wondered why The Muppets had such large protruding eyes. I then realized that if I had a hand shoved up my ass my eyes would do the same.

     

     

    What's the point in blurring out the middle finger on television? Like, oh you fooled me, what's behind that blur? An umbrella? An elephant?

    • Like 2
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