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ghostxdreams2

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Posts posted by ghostxdreams2

  1. Posted · Report reply

    A cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "I...f I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

    The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA... Satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required.", answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter...this being a herd of sheep.

    Now give me back my dog."

    • Like 3

  8. Posted · Report reply

    HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

     

    1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14 -16 men's work boots.

     

    2. Place them on your front porch, along with an old,

    well-read copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

     

    3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

     

    4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......

     

    Bubba,

     

    Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls/rottweilers. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.

     

    Dragon_Skull

    • Like 3

  9. Posted · Report reply

    Bear On The Roof

    A man in rural Wisconsin wakes up one morning to

    find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages,

    and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up North Bear Removers."

    He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

    The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.

    He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun,

    and a mean old pit bull dog.

    "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

    "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then

    I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the

    roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off

    the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.

    The bear will then be subdued enough for me to

    put him in the cage in the back of the van."

    He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

    "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

     

     

    "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog...!"

    • Like 2

  15. Posted · Report reply

    I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

     

    I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy chocolate with it instead of dinner?'

     

    'No, I had to stop eating chocolate years ago', the homeless woman told me.

     

    'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

     

    'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

     

    'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

     

    'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

     

    'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

     

    The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

     

    I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate.'

     

     

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  24. Posted · Report reply

    Norman and Barry got married in California.

     

    They couldn't afford a honeymoon sothey go back to Norman 's Mom and Dad's house for their first married nighttogether.

     

    In the morning, Johnny, Norman 'slittle brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of thedoor to go to school, he asks his mom if Norman and Barry are up yet. Shereplies, 'No'.

     

    Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

    Hismom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!Just go toschool.'

     

    Johnny comes home for lunch and askshis mom, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?' She replies, 'No.'

     

    Johnnysays, 'Do you know what I think?'

    His mom replies, 'Never mind whatyou think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

     

    Afterschool, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'

    His mom says, 'No.'

     

    He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

    His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

     

     

     

    He says: 'Last night Norman came tomy room for the Vaseline and I think...I gave him my airplane glue.'

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