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ghostxdreams2

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Posts posted by ghostxdreams2

  1. Posted · Report reply

    I'm over   65  now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists.  You can't be older than 35 to join the military. 
     

    They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. 
    For starters: 
     

    Researchers say 18-year- olds think about sex every 10 seconds. 
     

    Old guys onl y think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. 

    Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?" 

    An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a beer carton and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. (Note there are 24 hours in a day and 24 bottles in a beer carton...another convenient way to measure time!) 
     

    An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. 

    Old guys get up early every morning to pee. 

     If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. 

    Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food.  We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. 
    We like them almost better than naps. 
     

    They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and I didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.  I can hear the Drill Sergean t now, "Get down and give me...er...one." 
    And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. 
     

    An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.  He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack s howing and his boxer shorts sticking out.  He still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum, and that a baseball cap has a brim to shade eyes, not the back of a head. 
     

    All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.

    Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

    • Like 2

  2. Posted · Report reply

    by now most people know about i-heart online radio so if you have a favorite station that you like or in your home town share it here.

    here is mine it,s in fort smith arkansas hope you might like it it is a mix of old music like 80,s-90,s and some newer stuff.

    http://www.iheart.com/live/B-98-117
    • Like 1

  4. Posted · Report reply

    In Montana, on the sight where Custer and his men had their asses handed to them by the Sioux, a huge mural is to be painted. The artist insists on keeping it real .

    When the mural is unveiled it shows an orgy of naked Indians screwing all over the prairie, and in the center a cow with a halo. The artist says the mural is a rendering of Custer's final thoughts - "Holy cow! Look at all them f-kin' Indians!"

    • Like 1

  5. Posted · Report reply

    If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
    strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear
    and a superman cape.
    It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a
    20 by 20 foot room
    When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too
    late
    Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
    A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
    year old man says they can only do it in the movies
    If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
    does not leak - it explodes
    A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4
    inches deep
    Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
    Super glue is forever
    McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
    No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't
    walk on water
    Pool filters do not like Jello
    VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
    they do
    Always look in the oven before you turn it on
    The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time
    The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
    It will however make cats dizzy
    Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

    • Like 1

  7. Posted · Report reply

    Two storks on a nest, a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying and
    crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry Son, your
    mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
    The next night, its fathers turn to do the job.
    "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing
    joy to new mommies and daddies."
    A few days later, the stork parents are desperate, their son is gone from
    the nest all night. Finally, shortly before dawn, he returns and the
    parents ask their son where he had been all night.
    Says the baby stork, "Awww, just scaring the shit out of college kids!" 

    • Like 1

  8. Posted · Report reply

     

    HERE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED  FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS on VACATIONS
     
     
     1.. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
     
     2.. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
     
     3.. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
     
    4.. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
     
     5.. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
     
    6.. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
     
     7.. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
     
     8.. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
     
    9.. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
     
     10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
     
    11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
     
     12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
     
     13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends'
    three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
     
     14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort,' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
     
     15. "When we were in Spain there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
     
     16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
     
     17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
     
     18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
     
     19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
     
     
     BE VERY CAREFUL WHEN CHOOSING A TRAVEL COMPANY!

     

    • Like 1

  10. Posted · Report reply 


    
http://www.marketwatch.com/story/is-your-computer-secretly-a-bot-2014-06-02?siteid=yhoof2

    International law enforcement authorities over the weekend took control of two hacker networks that have infected more than a million computers worldwide to steal banking information and lock devices until users pay a ransom, U.S. officials announced Monday.

    People should run security tests on their computers within the next two weeks, before the masters of the botnets have a chance to regain control, the United Kingdom’s National Crime Agency says. One malware-driven network, called “Gameover Zeus”, lifted banking credentials from as many as 1 million infected Microsoft Windows computers, to steal more than $100 million. The U.S. is home to the highest percentage of Gameover Zeus infections, at 13%, according to Mountain View, Calif.-based security company Symantec...................................................................................................

     

    • Like 1

  14. Posted · Report reply

    An old farmer decided that it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years so the farmer figured that getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So, he gets a young rooster and lets it loose in the barn yard.

    The old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster, "I've got to do something about this!" He walks up to the new bird and says, "So, you're the new guy in town. I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? I'm not exactly ready for the chopping block yet. I bet I'm still the better bird and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

    Well, the cocky young rooster was a proud sort and he definitely thought that he was more than a match for the old guy, so he said, "okay, you're on. And since I know that I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easily."

    So, the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race and all the hens gather around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on.

    After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continued to slip each time around and by the fifth lap he just barely led the young rooster.

    By then, the farmer has heard all the commotion. He ran into the house, got his shotgun, and ran out to the barn yard, figuring a fox or something was after his chickens. When he got there, he saw the two roosters running around the hen house with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately took his shotgun, aimed, fired, and blew the young rooster away. He walked away slowly saying to himself...."****! That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!"

    • Like 2

  20. Posted · Report reply

    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
    Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants?

    - So people can read her lips.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent.

    Wedding cake! 

    • Like 3

  21. Posted · Report reply

    A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar
    in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,
    which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside
    to the parking meter?"
    A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body
    hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on
    his stool, looked down at the quivering little man
    and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
    "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous,
    "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
    "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the
    hell kind of dog do you have?"
    "Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old
    puppy."
    "Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my
    Doberman?"
    "It appears that he choked on it, sir."

    • Like 2

  23. Posted · Report reply

    Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or
    an airline stewardess?

    A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're
    going to have to do this over and over
    again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this
    over your mouth and nose, and breath
    normally."

    • Like 3
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