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ghostxdreams2

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Posts posted by ghostxdreams2

  4. Posted · Report reply

    This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour." 

    "Perfect," she replies.

    The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife? 

    She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half." 

    The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks. 

    The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" 

    "Yes" the man replied. 

    "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. 

    The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

    • Like 1

  5. Posted · Report reply

    Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a
    $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously
    much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two'gotchas'."
    The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.
    And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members
    were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
    "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing
    up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand
    between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever
    tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

    • Like 2

  6. Posted · Report reply

    A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.
    On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel
    tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sargent
    leading the tour, what the camel was for.

    The Sargent replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the
    men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the
    camel."

    The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's
    all right with me."

    After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could
    not stand it anymore, so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

    The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's
    quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous
    sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and
    was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the
    enlisted men do it?"

    The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into
    town."

    • Like 1

  7. Posted · Report reply

    Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

    A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

     

     

    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

     

    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

     

    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

     

    I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.  :lol: :lol: 

     

    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

     

    If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

     

    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    • Like 2

  15. Posted · Report reply

    A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.
    He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
    In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
    As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

    "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. "

    • Like 2

  16. Posted · Report reply

    A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to
    cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
    When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so
    thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him
    to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to
    rent a plane and take photos from the air.
    He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
    He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung
    the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the
    air.
    The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low
    passes so I can take some pictures."
    "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded,
    "and photographers take photographs."
    The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean
    you're not the flight instructor?"

    • Like 1

  17. Posted · Report reply

    This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romantic
    walk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his
    lustful desires rise to a fever pitch.
    He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says, "I hope you don't
    mind but I'm busting to have a piss".
    Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why
    don't you go behind these bushes".
    She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes.
    As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling
    down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
    Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches through
    a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his
    hand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long,
    thick appendage hanging between her legs.
    He shouts in horror "My God, don't tell me your really a bloke!".
    "No" she replies", "I've changed my mind, I'm having a crap instead."

    • Like 4

  24. Posted · Report reply

    It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer". So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!". The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!" Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" "Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"download_zpsd5897df7.jpg

    • Like 4

  25. Posted · Report reply

    Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.

    St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question." "Which is ...?", they replied in unison. "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl.

    "Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married."
    "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ...
    the golden key."

    "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.

    "Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married." "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... the silver key."

    "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.
    "Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."

    "Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ...
    my room key."

    • Like 3
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