kenner

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it. "Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she'd take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball." "She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole." "She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door." "And then?" said the doctor. "Aw hell," the patient explained. "That's when she tried to kick it under the stove."

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today! If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. And as a bonus... A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of beer a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!

Little Johnnie sees his Daddy's car passing the play-ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a 'Passionate Embrace'. Johnnie finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane layed down on the seat, then Daddy.." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnnie, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnnie to tell his story, so Johnnie starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and... "...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!' 'That's nothing,' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said...... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!'

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?" "Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said. "Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically. "No, that's the price," the salesman said, "do you want to buy them or not?" "Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded. He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked. "Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered. "Is it stolen?" the guy asks. "No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?" "Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more. Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?" "Five dollars," was the familiar response. "I'll take that too!" the man said. As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him, "Why are your prices so cheap?" The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.' The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?' 'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?' The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

I hear ya buddy. LOL

Nice. That should make the asshole who lives next to me mad.

On their way to get married, a young Roman Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While anxiously waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, “I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?” Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.” “Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?” St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. “What's wrong?” asked the frightened couple. “OH, come ON!!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???”

The New 2013 Ford Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

Is it a nice summer day where you live?

Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife: 1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 4. A dog's parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.. 7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?" 9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. 11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting. And last, but not least: 12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff. To test this theory: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

You're a great spy ain't you saa?

Did you try and Google "spy wanted"?

Did you get flies in your fries?

Why ? Does the Joker like fries?

If you're a bit hairy you must try this product. Although you should read the reviews first. > read the wonderful reviews here - http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/cr/B000KKNQBK/p=2/ref=aw_cr_p_drugstore_g_ > Searing Pain 20 April 2012 By LondonSackBurn Not since Steve McQueen entered the 'Towering Inferno' has a human object burnt so intensely. I applied the cream to my spuds and within 24 seconds my orbs were throbbing. Imagine being dragged naked down the autobahn in Germany behind an F1 car. That is exactly how my seed sack felt. On the plus side, my nuts are totally foliage-free. On the down side Ill never be a Father. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Get the Duncan Goodhew look! 27 April 2012 By Mr Padraig Egan After deciding I would like to adopt the Duncan Goodhew look I decided to use this product to remove all the hair from my head. It worked a treat. I was however disapointed that it also removed my eyelashes and a fair proportion of my left cornea. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Disco Inferno 26 April 2012 By OneDameRemains "tremonti is god" Wow - what can i say. I had a bit of a forest down there, and every time i went for a wee, i'd undo my zip and pull out about 500 hairs before i finally found my love pipe, so i decided it was time to do something about it. The cream went on very easily, i can't fault it for doing what it says, in removes hair, but so would an oxy-acetylene blow torch. After about 5 minutes, i had a nice glowing warming sensation on my scrotum, but within 10 minutes, my bollocks were engulfed in a searing heat, as though someone had just tossed a petrol bomb at a space hopper. The pain was pretty horrendous, i watched in amazement as the hairs disappeared en mass, but i also watched in fear as my ball-sack withered disintegrated right before my very eyes. I had to think fast, so i rammed my baby beads into a large tub of Ben and Jerry's ice cream and sat there for about 30 minutes until the pain had died down a while. It worked a treat, and not only that, i managed to pop the ice-cream back into the freezer and it's reset back to normal again. My ball-sack is now soft, smooth and completely hairless. It looks like i've got Right Said Fred in my underpants. Overall 3 stars, i'd have given it 5 stars but it's taken 2 inches off my length and left me with the libido of an asthmatic ant carrying a heavy shopping bag. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Don't Be Macho!!! 24 April 2012 By Martin I was recommended this product as the perfect solution to irritating clotting in the darker recesses of the body, but should have paid attention to the omens. At first I noted that customers who bought this product also bought local anaesthetics and Jumbo tubs of E45 cream, but I figured this wasn't related. In eager anticipation of delivery I read through some of the reviews, but figuring that they must have been written by ponces, I was even more eager to face the challenge and prove my manhood It finally arrived.... A mere 15 minutes later I had defrosted 5 bags of varied frozen vegetables, bounced off every inch of wall in the bathroom and woken a baby sleeping 10 doors away. A week has passed and I am now able to go to the toilet without the use of a frozen bandage, but I fear I am left to live with Purple Ronnie in my pants, and the fact that Amazon is now recommending Whips and other strange paraphernalia.

Are they poutine?

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you lose your leg?" The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?" "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye? The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and pooped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked, "How could a little something like that make you lose your eye?" The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that ate things. The first little boy said, “Alligator.” “Very good James, that’s a big word.” The second boy said, “Predator.” “Yes, that’s another big word Alan. Very well done.” Little Johnny says, “Vibrator.” After nearly falling off her chair, she says, “That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn’t eat anything.” “Well my mother has one and she says it eats batteries like there’s no tomorrow!”

LOL

A pirate of what?

Is anyone here psychic?

Damb, I thought Obama had a joint in his mouth!! Wait, that was Clinton. No, was it Bush???? Crap, all Bush had in his mouth was Binladen's dick. LOL

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.' In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part): 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day. 2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this 4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off. PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!