Omnion

A man went to England on a trip and met a woman there, they grew to like each other enough for her to come to America with the man on his flight home. When they got back to America the man said, “I would like to show you an American pastime: baseball.” So the next day the man took her to a baseball game. The first man came up to the plate and hit the ball to right field and got to first base, the next man bunted the ball and got to first base, and the third man came up to the plate and got walked. The man said, “Are you understanding this game?” The woman answered, “Yes, but what I don't understand is why the thrower hurls the ball at the first man and he hits it. Then he hurls the ball at the second man and he taps it and runs to where the other man was standing. And then the third man, this is the part I don't understand, the thrower hurls the ball and he just stand there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there then he just walks to the place where the other man was standing.” Then the man says, “Well that is because he has four balls.” The woman says, “Poor thing! He couldn't run if he tried.”

There was a young country boy who was very bright. In fact he was bright enough to be accepted to Harvard. One of his first assignments at Harvard was to write a paper on a famous person. He didn't know who he would write about so he decided to go to the library and do some research. But he didn't know where the library was. He saw a professor walking down the hall. He stopped the professor and said to him, "Do you know where the library is at?" The professor looks at him strangely and says, "Young man, here at Harvard we never end a sentence in a preposistion." The young man says, "Oh, excuse me. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?"

Dave's friends came up to him after work one day and asked him to go out for a few beers with them. Dave replied, ''No, I can't. My wife gets really pissed if I come home late.'' Dave's friend said, ''When you get home, just go slide beneath the sheets, pull her panties down and give her oral sex. She won't say anything.'' So Dave goes out with his friends and has a great time. When he comes home hours later, he goes into his room and slides beneath the sheets. He pulls down her panties and begins to give her oral sex. She starts to moan and groan. After a while, Dave tells her that he has to go take a leak and for her to wait there. When Dave gets to the bathroom he's stunned to see his wife sitting on the john. ''How did you get here?'' he asked. ''Shhhh,'' she replied, ''my mom is sleeping.''

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. "Is anyone interested in a little wager? I've got $500 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club." Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. The newest pro at the club spoke up, "I'll take you up on that wager. Meet you on the first tee." When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee, the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box and put a driver in his hands. The gorilla smashed his drive right down the middle and out of sight. The ball finally stopped on the green, six inches from the cup. The pro was astonished. "That's incredible! There's no need for me to tee off. Here's your money." As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said, "By the way, how does he putt?" The trainer responded, "Just like he drives: 500 yards, right down the middle, every time."

Fred and DooDah go to their favorite lake to fish. After getting out on the water, DooDah hooks a huge fish, which pulls him overboard, and he drowns. Fred is brokenhearted and goes to tell DooDah's wife the news. She opens the door and hears Fred sing: "Guess who drowned in the lake today? DooDah! DooDah!"

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible." "When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest. "I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again. "Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest. "No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole." "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head. The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?" "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered. The husband asked, "Are you a genie?" "Oh, why, yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied. The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever. The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!" The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire." The husband and wife agreed. After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" To which she responded, "Three years." The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" To which she replied, "31 years old." The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"

A guy goes golfing with his girlfriend. As he tees off, she steps into ladies' teebox and gets hit in the head with his drive. She is pronounced D.O.A. and taken to the morgue. The coroner calls him in and says, "She definitely died from a blow to the head caused by the golf ball. But the only thing we can't understand is why was there a golf ball in her rectum?" "Oh," he replies, "that must have been my mulligan."

A blonde sees a posting on a bulletin board that says, "Cruise -- Only $5." She goes to the address on the back and hands the receptionist $5. The receptionist nods to a burly man reading a newspaper. He walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious. The blonde wakes up tied to a log floating down river. To her right, she sees one of her blonde friends. "Do you think they're going to serve food on this trip?" she asks. The other blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display. Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?" Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights." Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?" Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights." Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?" Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball. The game of choice for frontline workers is football. The game of choice for middle management is tennis. The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf. Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.

Geek

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish. The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious. The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?" And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news." "Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first." "The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet." "Gosh, and the good news?" "The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

Hello and welcome to CyberPhoenix

Hello and welcome to CyberPhoenix

Hello and welcome to CyberPhoenix

Hello and welcome to CyberPhoenix

A security flaw in Adobe Flash thought to be repaired in October of 2011 has resurfaced again with a new proof-of-concept hack that can grab video and audio from a user’s computer without getting user authentication. Employing a transparent Flash object on a page to capture a user’s click, the exploit tricks a user into clicking to activate the object. The object can then take control of the camera and microphone regardless of the permissions set by the user. The exploit was demonstrated by developer Egor Homakov and was based on code by Russian security researcher Oleg Filippov. (Note that the demonstration uses images of scantily-claid women and may not be considered safe for work.) “This is not a stable exploit (tested on Mac and Chrome. I do use Mac and Chrome so this is a big deal anyway),” Homakov wrote. "Your photo can be saved on our servers but we don't do this in the PoC. (Well, we had an idea to charge $1 for deleting a photo but it would not be fun for you). Donations are welcome though.” The “clickjack” works in a fashion similar to previous attacks against Flash by hiding the dialogue that would prevent a hijack of the camera and mic behind another page element. This demonstration attack apparently needs to be tailored to the target browser, however. Ars has tested the exploit on Mac OS with Chrome and Firefox, Windows 8 with Internet Explorer and Chrome, and on Chrome OS; the exploit only worked consistently in Chrome browsers and not at all on Windows 8. “The basic problem with Flash is that it doesn't have modal dialogues that pop up outside of the browser, which can alert the user to what's about to happen,” said Robert Hansen, director of product management for WhiteHat Security, in a e-mail conversation with Ars. “Because the dialogues are on the same page as the adversary's code, they can overlay things, make it opaque, and so on, to effectively hide the dialogue warning.” Ars reached out to an Adobe spokesperson for comment on the exploit, but the company has not yet responded.

Google this week launched 30 balloons into the stratosphere in the first step toward creating what it calls a "network in the sky" that could eventually bring "balloon-powered Internet [to] everyone." Dubbed "Project Loon," Google's balloon-based wireless networks aim to bring 3G-like speed to what Google says are the "2 out of every 3 people on Earth" who lack a fast, affordable Internet connection. Google's plan has been rumored for weeks. As we wrote earlier this month, balloon-based communications are well established for military communications and have been proposed for public safety use in disaster areas. Google could be the first to make balloon-based networks widely used for commercial Internet access. Google is starting small and admits its system is just in the experimental stages. Google said the 30 balloons launched this week were sent into the air "from the Tekapo area of New Zealand’s South Island" and that a group of 50 pilot testers have been equipped with "special Internet antennas" to try to connect to the network. Google made the announcement late Friday night in the US, Saturday in New Zealand time. The solar-powered balloons are 15 meters in diameter when fully inflated and are being sent 20 kilometers into the sky. "Project Loon balloons are made of a very thin plastic, about 3mil thick," Google said in a fact sheet. "We use superpressure envelopes—this means the volume of the balloon remains constant, like a mylar party balloon. This lets it float much longer than a balloon that stretches as it inflates." While some balloon-based communications keep the balloons tethered to the ground, Google's will fly untethered and be controlled from the ground. "One of the most important balloon science breakthroughs of the project was around how to control the altitude of the balloon, which allows us to control where it will fly and to adjust speed," the company said. "The other critical computer science breakthrough we made was around our Mission Control, which makes balloons manageable in groups so they can provide consistent connectivity to a given area." In a video, Project Loon Chief Technical Architect Rich DeVaul explained that "the stratosphere is different because we tend to have layers of winds that go in very particular directions. By moving up and down through these layers we can steer. By catching the right winds we can keep the balloons together enough to get good coverage on the ground." Antennas on people's homes will communicate with the balloons. Each balloon "talks" to its neighbors and to a ground station connected to a local Internet provider. Google said this will allow high bandwidth over long distances, with antennas on the ground able to "connect to the balloon-powered Internet when the balloons are in a 20km radius." Balloons can be directed throughout the world and reused. Once airborne, each balloon is capable of flying for quite a while, from west to east because of the wind patterns in the stratosphere. "If the balloons are circling around the bottom half of the world, eventually the balloon that's over South Africa will pass over South America," said Astro Teller, Google's so-called "Captain of Moonshots." Launches are coordinated with air traffic control authorities. Google noted that it's not the first to consider balloons for commercial Internet deployments, but previous attempts were stymied by the challenges of trying to keep the balloons in one place. "So the idea we pursued was based on freeing the balloons and letting them sail freely on the winds. All we had to do was figure out how to control their path through the sky," Google said. "We’ve now found a way to do that, using just wind and solar power: we can move the balloons up or down to catch the winds we want them to travel in. That solution then led us to a new problem: how to manage a fleet of balloons sailing around the world so that each balloon is in the area you want it right when you need it. We’re solving this with some complex algorithms and lots of computing power." Google didn't say what frequencies it is using, but said it has designed its system to filter out competing signals. Just when Project Loon could provide reliable Internet access to large populations isn't clear. Google said it chose the name "Loon" in part because "the idea may sound a bit crazy." The experiences of the pilot testers "will be used to refine the technology and shape the next phase of Project Loon," Google said. "This is the first time we’ve launched this many balloons and tried to connect to this many receivers on the ground, and we’re going to learn a lot that will help us improve our technology and balloon design."

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerrey's apocalyptic nightmare about Iran's civilian nuclear enrichment program, and how Iran is supposedly a sponsor of terrorism, smacks of John Foster Dulles's blunt declaration during the Cold War that, "Neutralism is immoral." Like Kerrey, Dulles, also a former U.S. secretary of state, detested the idea of nations neither aligning with the U.S. or Soviet Union. And yet, it was the Nonaligned Movement consisting of a number of nations that did far more in economically assisting developing nations, promoting national self-determination, and in preventing major conflicts, than either the Soviet Union or U.S. At a joint news conference and in regards to Tehran's nuclear program, Kerrey proclaimed: "Every month that goes by gets more dangerous." Political and historical evidence contradicts Kerrey's alarmist and over exaggerated claim. Not only does Iran have low-grade uranium incapable of producing a nuclear weapon, but it lacks technologies for an effective delivery system. Iran has also consistently maintained that it has no intention of developing nuclear weapons, let alone using one. And even if Iran develops a nuclear bomb, it remains under the oversight of Iran's supreme religious leader, who insists that nuclear war is inconsistent with Islamic rules. Still, and if Iran does develop a nuclear war head, it will use it for prestige and deterrence, mainly against Israel's already existing nuclear arsenal. And like other government with nuclear weaponry have learned but kept secret from its people, maintaining and modernizing nuclear arsenals are extremely expensive. At this point in its economic history, Iran cannot afford to house a costly nuclear munitions store. It is more than likely, then, that Tehran is being honest when it claims that its nuclear enrichment program is for civilian purposes. On the ground evidence reveals that Iran merely wants to power hospitals and universities, eventually expanding to residential and commercial sectors. Iran's civilian Nuclear Nonaligned Movement could benefit the world. Along with developing new and enhanced nuclear technologies for peaceful purposes, Iran could improve "clean" nuclear energies while sharing containment and waste disposal know how. It could also aid in "meltdown" responses. Iran's ethical considerations about nuclear capabilities would invigorate the debate over destroying all nuclear weapons and establishing nuclear free zones. And would not Iran's anathema towards nuclear weapons challenge the U.S.'s Brinkmanship, Mutual Assured Destruction Doctrine, and Carter and Eisenhower Doctrines that threaten the use of nuclear war to protect Persian Gulf oil? The real crux of Kerry's hysterical warnings is fear of the U.S. losing its monopoly on nuclear weapons and technologies. As Iran expands its nuclear enrichment capabilities and shares nuclear technologies with other nonaligned nuclear nations, expect more grandiose and "end of the world" scenarios. Such fear not only subjugates people by making them reason incoherently, but it represses nuclear weaponry dissent. It allows, even excuses, governments to maintain massive nuclear missile stockpiles. It also lulls civilians into believing their government is justified in striking a nation with nuclear missiles, if and when the time comes to do so. Nations living under nuclear time are swayed with vivid, dramatic, and unforgettable impressions left by Hiroshima and Nagasaki, two cities utterly destroyed by the U.S. atomic weaponry. Nuclear fears have escalated to the point that when one mentions "atomic weaponry" everybody immediately thinks it is the end of the world.(1) Are U.S. leaders projecting their own deadly creation, their own guilt of using nuclear weaponry and killing hundreds of thousands of people, onto Iran? Nuclear time always leads to nuclear history imprisonment, which can have the affect of annihilating alternatives or new possibilities. It can also be a grave danger to Iran's hopeful nuclear nonalignment. The U.S. must realize it cannot dominate the world. Neither does it have everything to teach and nothing to learn. Richard N. Haass writes, "U.S. foreign policy should focus not so much on what other countries are in their borders but more on what they do outside their borders."(1) Accepting Iran's are (Islamic Republic) would help the U.S. distinguish between the desirable and the vital as well as between the feasible and the impossible. The impossible being, that is, to remake the Middle East and Iran after the U.S.'s own likeness. And instead of an outdated Cold War policy of dualism, the U.S. might want to attempt a policy of integration. Such a realignment would benefit both Iran and the U.S.

June 15: Russia said today that US data on the Syrian regime's alleged use of chemical weapons was "unconvincing", and warned Washington against repeating the mistake it made when invading Iraq after falsely accusing Saddam Hussein of stocking weapons of mass destruction. The Kremlin's top foreign policy adviser Yury Ushakov also said the US decision to provide military aid to Syrian rebels would damage international efforts to end a conflict that has left tens of thousands dead. The Syrian war will take centre stage next week in Northern Ireland where global leaders -- including Russian President Vladimir Putin -- gather for a G8 summit. Ushakov said US officials had recently presented Russia with new information about the alleged use of chemical weapons against rebels by Syrian President Bashar al-Assad's forces. "What was presented by the Americans does not look convincing to us," he told reporters. "I would not want to make any parallels, I would not want to believe that this data can be similar to the situation with the vial that (US) secretary of state Colin Powell brandished at the famous Security Council meeting." Ushakov was referring to a UN Security Council meeting in 2003 at which Powell held up a vial that he said could contain anthrax as he presented evidence of Iraq's alleged arms programmes. Those weapons, cited by George W Bush's administration as the main motive for launching the US-led invasion of Iraq in 2003, never surfaced after the fall of the Baghdad regime. The head of the Russian lower house of parliament's foreign affairs committee went even further than Ushakov, bluntly accusing Washington of making up claims that Assad had used chemical weapons against the rebels. "Information about Assad's use of chemical weapons has been fabricated in the same place as the lies about (Saddam) Hussein's weapons of mass destruction" in Iraq, Alexei Pushkov said on Twitter. "Why would Assad use sarin 'in small amounts' against the fighters? What is the sense?! In order to prompt outside intervention? It makes no sense," he wrote. Ushakov said the chances of holding a Syrian peace conference that Russia and the United States proposed jointly in May would be hurt by Washington's plans to provide military support for the opposition. "Of course, if the Americans truly decide and in reality provide more large-scale assistance to rebels, assistance to the opposition, it won't make the preparation of the international conference easier," said Ushakov. Asked if the US decision to start arming the rebels would prompt Russia to proceed with the delivery of S-300 anti-aircraft missiles to the Damascus regime, Ushakov said: "We are not talking about this yet. We are not competing on Syria." Putin has said that Russia has signed a contract for the S-300s' delivery without making any shipments yet.

Father of three Les Langley beat off competition from thousands to win the competition, organised by male grooming brand The Bluebeards Revenge in conjunction with male cancer charity Orchid. It’s part of a national campaign to encourage men to check themselves for signs of cancer as part of their daily grooming routine, something Les says inspired him to enter, after experiencing the devastating effects of cancer first hand. The 46-year-old bar owner from Sunderland, who was the oldest man in the competition, said: “After my first wife Alison died in January 2004 I became more aware that self-checking was vital. “I just couldn’t cope with the thought of myself having cancer and my children Robbie and Tara possibly being left without any parents.” Les, who is now married to his second wife, Charlotte, 31, and has a third child, one-year-old Max, says he’s enjoying his role as the face of The Bluebeards Revenge brand and being an ambassador to male cancer charity Orchid. He said: “I now have an amazing opportunity to promote self-checking and hopefully save a few lives along the way. I really want to do my bit to raise the awareness of male cancers.” The competition was launched after a recent survey commissioned by Orchid and The Bluebeards Revenge revealed that whilst men are spending more time in the bathroom and the ‘grooming gender gap’ is narrowing, they are still failing to self-check for cancer unlike their female counterparts who benefit from major health campaigns. Rebecca Porta, Chief Executive of Orchid, said: “Regular grooming not only makes you look and feel more confident, it gives you an opportunity to take an active interest in your physical wellbeing. The bathroom is the prime place for men to check for signs of male cancer. “Our research shows that three quarters of UK men recognise that a lump in the testes could be a sign of testicular cancer – but 25% still never check their testes. Checking testes takes less than five minutes and is a vital first step in the battle against testicular cancer. If caught early enough there is a 98% chance of survival.”

This guy was driving along a country road. Along the side of the road he sees a sign: "Apples, $5.00 each." So he pulls over to the side of the road and asks the farmer why his apples are so expensive. The farmer says, "Well, these are peanut butter and jelly apples." So the guy buys one. He says, "These apples only taste like jelly, where's the peanut butter?" The farmer says, "Turn the apple over and take a bit of the other side." Sure enough the other side tasted like peanut butter. So he continues on his way and along the side of the road he sees another sign: "Apples, $20.00 each." So he gets out and asks the farmer why these apples are so expensive. "These are ham and cheese apples," the farmer says. So the guy buys one. The apple only tasted like ham, so he asked the farmer why and he said, "Turn the apple over and you will taste the cheese." Then he is driving down the road again and he sees another sign: "Apples, $50.00 each." So he asks the farmer, "What's up with these apples being so expensive?" The farmer tells him they are pussy apples. So the guy buys one. He takes a bite into the apple and says "This apple tastes like shit!" And the farmer says, "Turn it over."

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow. "What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified. "Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."