Omnion

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!'' Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

Once there was this man whose car broke down. He realized after looking for help for 10 minutes that there was a small farmhouse with an old lady sitting on the porch. He told her his unfortunate story and she gladly let him in. But first she told him, ''I have three rules that you musn't break or I'll see to it that you meet justice! But since talking hurts my throat so much, I won't tell you my rules.'' She let him sleep in the laundry room. He found himself a comfortable pile of old wool sweaters. After puffing his "pillow" he realized that a pair of pants were hanging down from a clothes line over top of his new bed. Seeing that it was no big deal he pulled them down. Instantly the old lady darted into the room and said, ''YOU BROKE MY FIRST RULE!'' He was sent outside to sleep in the donkey's stable. Right beside him was a tiny donkey kicking him so much that he slapped it. In a flash grandma was there: ''You broke the second rule. Watch out.'' He was sent onto the porch to sleep. All of a sudden a big, ugly cat came along and started rubbing all over him. Being allergic to cat hair, he shaved it bald. Here came the grandma. ''You broke the third rule,'' she starts, ''I'm calling the cops.'' The cops came and requested a description of what happened. The old lady said, ''That man is a damned rapist. He pulled down my pants, slapped my ass and shaved my pussy!''

In the backwoods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called in to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby. "Now don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another!" cried the doctor. The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered. "They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; "Dat''s Dem". The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help. "Yeah, we''ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Mick, "Put dem in a pepper bag" The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick''s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place", says Mick. He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a loud "Splat!" As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head. "Focket Dat," Paddy says, "dis budgie jumpin'' is too dangerous for me..." A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar 'pepper bag.' Seamus pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun. "Watch this Paddy" he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot''s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until he joins Sean''s mashed remains at the bottom of the cliff. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An oim never troyin'' that parrotshooting oider..." After a few minutes, Danny strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag.' Danny pulls a chicken out of the bag. He puts the chicken above his head, holds its legs and launches himself off the cliff with the same result. Once more Paddy shakes his head. "For me life Danny, first der was Sean wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin'' hengliding..."

dandelion

Hello and Welcome to CyberPhoenix

Anime

Enigma

In an attempt to revive its flagging reputation for introducing innovative products, Apple unveiled a new Mac Pro at its World Wide Developers Conference, being held in San Francisco this week. "Can't innovate any more, my ass," said SVP of Product Marketing Phil Schiller as the Mac Pro made its debut. The futuristic-looking black cylindrical device stands less than 10 inches tall and offers 7 TFlops of computing power using state-of-the-art technology. Still, it can't be said that the Mac Pro was a showstopper. Instead, it appears that iOS 7, changes to Siri and, to some extent, Apple's new iTunes Radio are drawing most of the attention. "There's a contingent of customers who will buy anything from Apple, no matter what, but the radical design elements of the new Mac Pro means clients also have to buy into Apple's proprietary vision of high-end graphics computing," Charles King, principal analyst at Pund-IT, told MacNewsWorld. What Little Mac Pros Are Made Of The new Mac Pro is powered by Intel Xeon E5 processors with up to 12-core configurations, 2-teraflop AMD FirePro graphics processing units, error-correcting code memory, Peripheral Component Interconnect Express-based flash and six Thunderbolt 2 ports. Its PCIe-based flash storage is up to 10 times faster than conventional desktop hard drives. PCIe is a standard created in 2004 by Intel, Dell, HP and IBM. The latest version is PCIe 3.0. The Thunderbolt technology, jointly created by Intel and Apple, combines PCIe and DisplayPort protocols in a Mini DisplayPort-compatible form factor. The Mac Pro has the latest four-channel ECC DDR3 memory running at 1.866 GHz, delivering up to 60 GBps of memory bandwidth. This lets users seamlessly edit full-resolution 4K video while simultaneously rendering background effects, according to Apple. The device's six Thunderbolt 2 ports can deliver up to 20 Gbps of bandwidth to each external device. Each port supports up to six daisy-chained peripherals. Thunderbolt 2 is backward-compatible with existing Thunderbolt peripherals. All this technology is architected around a unified thermal core that shares the device's thermal capacity across all the processors, thus letting the Mac Pro run cool enough to be built with one-eighth the volume of the current Mac Pro. Far From the Thundering Herd The new Mac Pro is the most expandable Mac ever built because its Thunderbolt ports support daisy-chaining, Apple suggests. There's just one catch: Few existing peripherals have Thunderbolt ports. This is at the heart of Layhe's ire with the new Mac Pro -- users can't employ standard video cards but will instead either have to get cards that have a Thunderbolt connection, or get cards that fit the Mac Pro's shape. "Filmmakers and photographers have some pretty high storage requirements, and the fact that you can't expand the storage when you use it could be a problem that might backfire on Apple," Julien Blin, a directing analyst at Infonetics Research, told MacNewsWorld. With the new Mac Pro, Apple's going back to its roots, Blin suggested. "It's doing something different, offering something unique -- and as for the Thunderbolt connections, that's like what it did for the iPhone. You can't expand the storage." Uncertain MetamorphosisThe new Mac Pro's lack of expandability "is a problem, both technologically and behaviorally, because it requires customers to buy into an essentially new way of doing business," Pund-IT's King remarked. "Apple is attempting to skirt around this by delivering a high-performance solution designed to meet many or most users' needs, but the move to Thunderbolt means that customers who want to expand their systems will need to find developers who are investing in the technology." Apple "has tried extreme redesigns in the past that turned into boondoggles," King continued. "Remember the Mac Cube? The new Mac Pro could well become another."

The Smart Display DA220HQL touchscreen is an impressive piece of hardware that performs extremely well. It looks like a really big tablet; however, this all-in-one device packs enough power to make it a viable second desktop computer or PC replacement. Typing on its wireless full-sized QWERTY keyboard -- minus number pad -- is an absolute pleasure. Acer's Smart Display DA220HQL is a 21.5-inch all-in-one touchscreen released earlier this year that runs the Android operating system with a wireless keyboard and mouse and has the potential to change your desktop computing habits. A Viable Second Desktop PC Acer's all-in-one hardware solution has enough going for it to make the DA220HQL a viable second desktop computer. For casual computing tasks involving surfing the Web and handling email, social networking posts and household record-keeping, a desktop Android computer -- or even a larger-screen Android laptop -- could be an adequate replacement for a Microsoft Windows PC or a computer running a Linux distribution or Mac OS X. Heavier computing tasks and workplace-level computing, however, are still out of Android's reach -- or at least they were, until Google's Android developers come out with a few fixes and features specifically targeting large-screen desktop operations. After all, the Android OS in its current versions is still designed for phone and tablet touch and swipe operations that are not up to snuff for more serious computing tasks. That said, Acer's DA220HQL Android desktop computer is an impressive piece of hardware that performs extremely well. The more I use it, the more adept I get at working in a touch and swipe computing environment that I am not holding in my hands. I almost never grab its wireless mouse. Typing on its wireless full-sized QWERTY keyboard (minus number pad) is an absolute pleasure. Tablet or Desktop? This unit looks like a really big tablet. If you use it without the wireless keyboard and mouse, it otherwise might be. Certainly the virtual keyboard qualifies this unit as a tablet. So does the library of apps from the Google Play Store. Still, whether you call it a large-screen Android desktop or tablet, the concept may have a hard sell. If nothing else, it may confuse consumers about what type of device they are buying. Even some of Acer's marketing materials and website product info refer to this unit as a tablet. Other descriptions call it a desktop computer. Still other product listings call it a touchscreen monitor. What It Does Regardless of its category designation, Acer's DA220HQL Smart Display can connect to a PC for use as a standard touchscreen. It can also operate independently as a large-screen Android desktop with its own keyboard and mouse. Or you can lay it flat or slightly inclined and use the virtual keyboard as a really big slate computer. Tablets imply mobility. This Smart Screen is much too large to use on your lap or cradle in your arm to read or type single handedly for any length of time. Also, this device must be plugged into a power source. It has no battery. Thus, it is not really a true mobile tablet device. However, you can very easily carry the 9.9-pound Smart Display from room to room as long as you do not need it working while you move it. Its all-in-one design needs no tower for the computer circuitry. So this desktop/"almost tablet" is clearly slotted for a new hardware category. It is a semimobile computer/Smart Display. A Different ApproachThe configuration Acer originally released to run Android 4.0.0 (Ice Cream Sandwich) on its big touchscreen has little competition. Few other Android desktops or large-screen all-in-one devices yet exist. ViewSonic recently launched its model VSD240 touchscreen, a 24-inch monitor powered by Android 4.1 (Jelly Bean) with a very similar configuration at a similar price point. About three weeks after I purchased this item, however, Acer pushed an over-the-air upgrade to Android version 4.0.4. This version did not add any new features other than bug fixes and under-the-hood improvements. It also did not solve the problem (noted below) with certain apps that failed to install. In any case, working with Android on a desktop computer environment takes computing in a very new direction. Efforts by some developers to port Google's Android operating system to run on desktop and laptop computers with x86 processors are under way. One example is the Android-x86 4.2 project. Acer's solution with the Smart Display DA220HQL does not provide a live session Android installation, however. These touchscreen Smart Displays do not run Android piggybacked on a device with another operating system inside. Instead, it embeds Android on a dedicated piece of multipurpose hardware. So, you cannot boot the Smart Display into another OS with a dual-boot configuration. Acer's hardware solution results in a fast, stable desktop PC running the Android OS. Since Android's memory and graphic needs are less demanding than full-blown Linux or certainly Apple and Windows OSes, the hardware requirements are less pricey as well. Hardware ArrayAcer's DA220HQL Smart Display is a 21.5-inch LED-backlit LCD with 1080p HD multitouch display using VA Technology. The screen resolution is 1920 by 1080 pixels with a display ratio of 16:9. Powered by a TI OMAP 4430, dual-core A9 processor and 1 GB RAM, the device offers 8 GB flash memory storage, expandable up to 32 GB via a microSD card. The front-facing 1.2 MP camera is adequate for videoconferencing. Since the large Smart Display is tethered to its power cord, a rear-facing camera would be useless. The hardware includes Wi-Fi 802.11 b/g/n, Bluetooth and Ethernet LAN connections. It has two USB ports, one USB On-the-Go port and a micro HDMI port for connecting to a notebook, desktop or tablet for a dual-screen experience. Solid PerformanceHigh-definition audio rounds out the hardware array. The speakers are located along the bottom front bezel. They crank out sound that is loud and clear. Voices and music are pleasant and crisp. That is not the case with my tablet, so I use a Bluetooth-connected speaker to make up for the poor tablet speakers. Happily, there is no need for the separate speakers with Acer's built-in audio system. I would not be happy with only 1 GB of RAM and the dual-core A9 processor in a Windows or Mac computer and most Linux distributions. Yet that hardware combination produces rock-solid results on the Android-powered Smart Display device. By comparison, my 10-inch Asus tablet runs equally well with its 1 GB of RAM and a Nvidia Tegra 2 processor. Using both devices side-by-side shows fairly even performance. I especially like the feel of the Acer wireless keyboard included with the Smart Display. The key area is a full inch longer than the keyboard dock on my tablet and just a bit shorter than my standard desktop keyboard. I usually am less productive typing lengthy content on the tablet keyboard dock, but the Acer physical keyboard does not get in the way of my writing productivity. Whenever the wireless keyboard is activated by inserting the dongle into the USB socket, the virtual keyboard does not appear on the screen. Design KudosThe VA screen technology rivals the brightness and crispness of my 22-inch ViewSonic desktop monitor. The Acer Smart Display's technology shows clear images regardless of my viewing angle, whether horizontal or vertical. Its display acuity ranges 178 degrees horizontal and has a 20-to-75-degree tilting capability. The screen has a dual function and connects to a standard computer with the included HDMI cable and USB cable. A bullseye on the bottom center of the screen activates the Acer Ring UI. This is a feature that Acer developed for its other mobile devices for providing quick access to the Web browser, settings, the screenshot shutter and photo gallery viewer. You can also use the Ring to adjust the volume and launch Google search. An On-Screen Display soft button is added to the tray under the bottom left of the screen border next to the Recent Apps button. Use this button as another way to access the volume, brightness and contrast settings when running the Android OS. Use it to access these screen controls when using the touchscreen connected to another computer. A bottom tool row in the OSD window provides access to the screen's SRD 3D feature, the HDMI connection, default function, and Return/Cancel button. This controls whether the unit runs Android or displays output from an attached device or computer. Keyboard DelightThe keyboard functionality in this device goes a long way in making pleasant desktop use of the Android OS. Numerous special keys eliminate the need to take fingers away from the keyboard to grab the mouse or touch the screen. For instance, the keyboard arrow keys provide what Android's virtual keyboard does not. These keys make navigating around the big screen much more convenient. Using the Fn key with a particular arrow lets you jump to the start or end of a line of text or page up and down through a document. The top row above the number key row, meanwhile, has its own set of what are dedicated function keys on a traditional PC keyboard. These keys let you select all text or select right/left text as well as cut or copy the highlighted text and paste it elsewhere. Other keys let you undo/redo actions and launch the calendar app, Web browser or email apps. Above this top row of dedicated function keys is a smaller set of buttons that control volume and video or audio playback controls. More Keyboard ControlsUsing the Search function with the keyboard is pretty cool. Press the search button and a cursor appears in the top line of the screen in a classic Google search window. As you type, matching files, photos and songs from your stored Google cloud items form a list. Click on the item to launch it. This works with names of apps as well. Some specialized keys duplicate touch options on the Android screen. For example, the Esc key returns to the previous screen or cancels the current open window. The home key returns the screen display to the home position. The lock key blanks the screen or wakes it up, but you must then press the right-click button (to the left of the space bar) to unlock the screen. Otherwise, you will have to swipe the lock icon on the screen to resume the full-screen display. A Few FlawsOne usability tweak is missing from the specialized set of keyboard keys. Namely, you need to touch the classic Android open app icon next to the home icon at the bottom left corner of the screen. Otherwise, you cannot switch to another running application. Alternatively, you can reach for the mouse and click on that icon; instead of touching the app to go to, you then must click on its window in the list. A keyboard shortcut or function key would solve this inconvenience. A worse inconvenience involves some apps that only display sideways on the big screen. Unless you physically rotate the screen, you have no choice but to corkscrew your head. Another problem is that quite a few of the Google Play Store apps that I have installed on my Android smartphone and tablet are not compatible on the Acer Android desktop. That's odd, because these apps did run on those mobile devices when they ran Ice Cream Sandwich. Meanwhile, the versions available from the Amazon Store worked just fine for some but not all of these apps. Others are not available there. A glaring example of this is the Facebook app, which is not available for this device. Instead, preinstalled is Facebook for the Web. This is essentially a link that loads the Facebook page in a separate browser session. On the large touchscreen, this is actually a better environment to experience Facebook than the clunky Facebook app. Printer PerplexedPrinter connection? Forget about it. The Android OS was not designed for printing. You can jury-rig some wireless printers to print that way if there is a compatible app for the configuration, but most printer makers do not yet support print drivers or print apps for Android devices. When I queried Acer's tech support on this matter, the tech support person told me that printing was easy. I should upload the files to the Acer cloud (for which one year's free access comes with the Smart Display) or save it to a USB storage drive and print from another computer. So much for relying on the Android desktop for my full-service computing needs. Selling PriceAcer's DA220HQLis now listed on the company's website for a price of US$479.99. I bought mine not long after its release from an electronics show for $499.99 plus tax with free shipping. It came with a 30-day money-back return option and the choice to pay it off in four payments. Not a bad deal. I will probably keep it.

Criminals value the unlimited freedom and anonymity that they get on the Internet. But cybercops and digital forensic experts are working to change that. We are used to seeing police officers doing street patrols. And the Internet is no different - cybercops carry out daily patrols on the Net as well. And they know all the virtual trouble spots - just as well as a cop knows their beat. But compared to their colleagues on the streets, cybercops don't do a lot of walking around. Most of their work takes place in front of a computer screen. "Digital forensics is a relatively new science, which involves analyzing, securing and processing digital evidence," explains Steve Kovacs, who heads a masters' program in digital forensics at Albstadt-Sigmaringen University. "It can compared to a digital autopsy. The only difference is that the evidence is digital, like a hard drive, which can be analyzed," he adds. From IT specialist to cybercop In the state of Bavaria, the Office of Criminal Investigation uses specially trained cops to patrol the Internet. "With network investigations, my colleagues look for concrete proof of illegal activities," says Günter Maeser, who heads the network investigation department. "Our focus is on tracking child pornography." But it's not just the growing problem of child pornography on the Internet that has given rise to digital forensic experts. From 2010 to 2011, the number of all Internet crimes in Bavaria rose by around 20 percent. In response, Bavarian police have brought in external IT specialists, who went through an intensive selection process before being trained as detectives. They now work together with experienced criminologists to track criminals on the Internet. "So we have brought in a lot of fresh air and new ideas into our detective work," Maeser says. CSI: Criminal Science Investigation For these officers, the work really begins when they find evidence of criminal activity on the Net, such as child pornography. "The criminal content has to be secured as evidence," says Maeser, explaining the process. "We want to catch the criminals in the act." But the Internet lies outside the Bavarian state's legal jurisdiction. Many of the servers on which criminal content is stored may not even be in Germany. In such cases, Bavaria's digital forensic experts are forced to hand over any evidence to the state prosecutors, who in turn forward it to the relevant authorities. The job can be challenging - viewing child pornography can be a psychological burden for the officers. And then there is the sheer volume of material. "In one case, we received over three million photo and video images," Maeser explains, adding the only solution was to create tools to automate some of the work. Suicide prevention Cybercops are also active in other areas. For instance, they look for signs of people who may be at risk attempting suicide. Given the amount of data, the police also rely on information from members of social networks, or their operators. "This year, we have already had 50 cases [of potential suicides], mainly from social networks," Maeser says, praising the cooperation of the operators of social networks. "We need the information to get closer to a person who may be thinking about committing suicide." Maeser says it's all about ensuring that the Internet doesn't become a lawless place. "We want to make our presence felt," says Maeser, "here on the Net."

The Iranian-American journalist Roxana Saberi was sentenced to eight years in prison in 2009 on charges of espionage. Saberi does not believe Friday's presidential elections in Iran will bring political changes. Tobias Köberlein: Mrs. Saberi, you lived in Iran for six years before you had to leave the country following your release from Evin prison in Teheran. What do you miss the most? Roxana Saberi: I think Iran is very mysterious for outsiders, but what I miss the most are the people, the friends I made there. They are so hospitable and curious. Many of them want better relations with Americans, with the outside world. Recently you were blogging about handmade presents you were given by your former cellmates: a purse and a bracelet knotted together from the threads of your old towel in prison. How do you keep in touch with them? I don't have contact with them directly, but somehow these presents made their way to me indirectly. It took a couple of years. I think they made them in 2011 and I just got them recently. Has your experience in prison influenced or changed your work as a journalist? Yes, in some way I focus more on the human rights issues, for example the attorneys who are jailed in Iran, journalists who get imprisoned. I hadn't focused on them so much, because I didn't understand what it felt like to have your rights taken away from you. Do you think it is possible to work as a correspondent in Iran without getting into trouble sooner or later? If you want to stay there for a long time you have to be very cautious. You need to consider your relations with the government. Sometimes the intelligence ministry might threaten you or interrogate you or interrogate the people you work with. When you work for a TV station there's an added complication. The authorities are very sensitive about what you film. I think journalism involves calculated risks. If journalists feel that they have taken the precautions and they are able to go and work in Iran that's wonderful, but they will face a lot of limits. It's a choice whether you're going to work there and censor yourself or not work there at all. How would you describe the situation of the press in Iran, especially now considering the upcoming presidential elections? It has deteriorated a lot in the past two years and just earlier this year. There's a wave of arrests of journalists. It can be seen as a premonition for journalists reporting on the elections or reporting on certain aspects of the elections. At least 40 journalists are in jail. Many of them are under great psychological pressure. Some have reported physical torture, sometimes they are in solitary confinement for a long time or don't have proper access to their attorneys. So it's a very dire situation for journalists. Many publications too are censored or shut down. It's been ongoing since 2009. According to Reporters without Borders, at least 200 journalists have fled the country. One reason why all these journalists were jailed is to send a message to them: You have to be careful, we are watching you. What measures does the government take to restrict the access of Iranians to information? Sometimes they slow down the speed of the internet a great deal, so it's very hard to open web pages or emails. Twitter, Facebook and Youtube are filtered. Satellite TV signals coming from outside Iran are often jammed. The government also uses technologies to monitor Iranians' communications as well. Works of art like films have to get permission from the cultural ministry to be made, to be published or to be aired in Iranian theatres. What do you expect from the presidential elections? Is there any hope for real change with the Supreme Leader Ali Chamenei having almost absolute power? Chamenei has the final say on all matters, that's true, but I do think the president has still some influence. I say that because I lived in Iran during Khatami's time and Ahmadinejad's time and I saw how things changed in many ways. Social freedoms, political freedoms and also the economy deteriorated. I don't know if any of the candidates who are running can bring great change, but maybe there will be different degrees of change. For example? Hopefully there will be the opportunity for some minor freedoms. I don't imagine that they're going to free all political prisoners, but you can always hope for some positive changes. Iran is so unpredictable. I like to say that the only predictable thing about Iran is that it is unpredictable. The elections in 2009 obviously were flawed. The people took to the streets and demonstrated. Do you think this could happen again this time? Yes, that's possible. But many people are also very afraid. They saw what happened last time and many of them are not ready to die. Maybe some are ready to pay the price for more freedom, but they don't know what's going to come next. They know what they don't want. They don't want the status quo. A lot of Iranians are seeing what's happening in Syria. People are dying and the international community has a very minimal involvement. I think the Syrian situation is sending a message to the Iranians. However under the surface there is a lot of resentment. It has become a lot more difficult in many ways, economically and in terms of freedom. If there's an opening perhaps these emotions will come forward. Are there any similarities between the situation in Iran and what happened in Egypt and Tunisia during the Arab Spring? The Iranians like to say that the Arab spring actually started in Iran with the Green Revolution of 2009. There are some similarities, but also some differences. In Egypt and Tunisia, the government is more reliant upon the West's good will. Iran is less so. Its allies like Russia and China are less likely to criticize Iran for human rights violations. Iran has also the Revolutionary Guards who are loyal to the regime. In Erbil you reported on refugees coming from Iran into Iraq. What did they tell you about the situation in Iran? Mostly they told me that life is becoming very difficult. Housing and food are becoming very expensive. People are beginning to store the goods because of the inflation. The value of the rial has decreased straightly. This has caused a lot of problems, especially for Iranians who do business with the outside world. Nevertheless some Iranians are still able to have fun. They go to parties and they still find opportunities to enjoy themselves. But isn't it true that especially young and well-educated people are leaving the country? All Iranians I speak to love their country. Many of them want to make it a better place, but they don't know how. So indeed Iran has a major problem with brain drain. We are more and more seeing young Iranians who are becoming disillusioned with the situation. Many of them were not alive at the time of the revolution or don't have memories of it. They don't think that it was their revolution. The well-educated people are in touch with the outside world through technology or through travel. They are well informed and they are aware of their human rights. More and more women have become educated too which is necessary for democracy. Iran is suffering from an economic crisis. One reason is the sanctions that were imposed by the West following Iran's disputed nuclear program. What's your opinion about the sanctions? So far they haven't pushed the Iranian regime to compromise on the nuclear issue. I would prefer to see a way to put pressure on the regime instead of on the ordinary people, because many of them are suffering. How can the people in the West help the Iranians with their struggle for more freedom? I think that everybody can play a small role. Every voice can make a difference. It might be just signing a petition for a prisoner of conscience. When I was in prison in Iran I heard that 25,000 people had signed a petition online. It was sent to the Iranian mission at the U.N. Our voices might not free every prisoner of conscience but it helps to empower these people and helps them to realize that they are not alone. Roxana Saberi was born in 1977 in New Jersey to an Iranian father and a mother who emigrated from Japan. She began studying in Teheran in 2003 and worked there as a journalist. Saberi wrote a book about her experiences, "Between Two Worlds: My Life and Captivity in Iran."

Asparagus accounts for the largest area of cultivated land in Germany, but is only available for just over eight weeks each year. Germans can never seem to get enough of the slender, subterranean vegetable. Leonhard Palm, now 49, picked up his first asparagus before he even learned to walk. His family's love of the long white vegetable goes back two generations when his maternal grandfather bought a farm in Bornheim near Bonn in 1950. These days, his grandfather's farm is managed by three generations of relatives on his aunt's side, while Palm organically farms asparagus land which he inherited from his wife's father. During the annual eight-week season, which ends this year on Midsummer's Day (June 24), Palm eats asparagus with bacon every day for lunch. With two hectares of land producing up to 30 five-kilogram crates a day when the weather is good, he can well afford to do this. Asparagus accounts for the largest area of cultivated land in Germany, but is only available for just over eight weeks each year. Germans can never seem to get enough of the slender, subterranean vegetable. Leonhard Palm, now 49, picked up his first asparagus before he even learned to walk. His family's love of the long white vegetable goes back two generations when his maternal grandfather bought a farm in Bornheim near Bonn in 1950. These days, his grandfather's farm is managed by three generations of relatives on his aunt's side, while Palm organically farms asparagus land which he inherited from his wife's father. During the annual eight-week season, which ends this year on Midsummer's Day (June 24), Palm eats asparagus with bacon every day for lunch. With two hectares of land producing up to 30 five-kilogram crates a day when the weather is good, he can well afford to do this. For Palm (left), asparagus is a way of life At their farm, like many in the region, the Palms and their four daughters run a shop which sells fresh produce and sauces for asparagus aficionados. Around 300 customers visit their farm each week during asparagus season. Palm's eldest daughter, Andrea, who was the region's Asparagus Queen two years ago, recalls one customer driving all the way from Munich to buy 10 kilograms (22 pounds) of her family's Bornheim-grown asparagus. The Palms have even sent asparagus to customers in Berlin. The vegetable of kings Every year without fail, when asparagus season begins in April, restaurant billboards start luring customers with special recipes and outdoor market vendors haggle over the kilo price with hungry customers. Bettina Hilf, a 30-year-old from Bonn, remembers disliking the bland taste of asparagus as a child. However, she reacquired a taste for both the green and white vegetable as a young adult. "If it was available all the time it probably wouldn't be so special," she said. Andrea Palm was crowned Bornheim's Asparagus Queen in 2011 "It's the vegetable of kings," said Erich Fehn, owner of the popular Cologne restaurant, Em Krützsche. Traditionally, only the very rich could afford the vegetable, also dubbed "edible ivory" for its shape and color. Both Fehn and farmer Leonhard Palm say that asparagus has become more affordable in the last few decades, with current prices at around seven to 10 euros ($ 9-13) a kilo. Fehn took over the management at Em Krützsche in downtown Cologne 43 years ago. He has served asparagus each year since then and expects his daughter Sylvia to continue the tradition when she takes up the reins in a few years. Whether boiled, peeled, julienned, salted, buttered or smothered in a creamy hollandaise, asparagus is a flexible accompaniment to the plat de jour. As a seasonal treat, it's often enjoyed fresh. In fact, 21 percent of all asparagus in Germany is sold directly from the farm, in shops such as the one owned by the Palms. Rarely would a German make the same effort for another vegetable: Only two percent of cauliflower sales entice the buyer to the farm. Asparagus on tour Get it while you can: White asparagus is only around for eight weeks a year For the diehard asparagus fans, specially planned routes lead them through multiple fields and farms, with plenty of tasting opportunities along the way. In the south-western state of Baden-Württemberg, the route stretches 135 kilometers from Scherzheim to Schwetzingen, the self-proclaimed asparagus capital of the world. The so-called Spargelstrasse (Asparagus Street) in the state of North Rhine-Westphalia offers cycling routes through some 450 asparagus farms, many of which also have in-house restaurants. What's more, Germans looking for love can also join special singles-only tours led by chef Clemens Tetas. One must be prepared, however, to go the distance on a motorbike. For those who don't find Mr or Ms Right among the fellow asparagus connoisseurs, there is consolation in the freshly prepared meal at the end of the tour, cooked by Tetas himself. "Bis Johanni, nicht vergessen, sieben Wochen Spargelessen." - Don't forget to eat asparagus seven weeks before the summer solstice, advises the old proverb. Farmer Palm's last words? "I like it because it tastes good."

According to Thuringia's state premier Christine Lieberknecht, Germany's central government agreed on the multi-billion-euro package with Germany's 16 state premiers during a meeting in Berlin on Thursday. "We think … that a figure of eight billion euros ($10.6 billion) for this fund is a realistic one to consider," Lieberknecht told reporters on the sidelines of talks with her state counterparts and Chancellor Angela Merkel. Lieberknecht added, however, that the precise size of the fund - and the means by which the money would be raised - was yet to be decided. Citing German Finance Minister Wolfgang Schäuble, she said the federal and state governments had agreed to share the costs equally. The eight-billion-euro figure was first leaked by government sources on condition of anonymity on Wednesday. Lieberknecht said the fund would likely be up and running by July 5. Guessing game in fluid situation Before Thursday, the federal government had pledged around 100 million euros in immediate relief, a figure matched by the individual states. The German government in 2002 provided a combined aid package worth roughly 7 billion euros to repair the damages from the country's last major floods. Like Chancellor Merkel in previous public statements from the flood-hit regions, Lieberknecht said that it was impossible to set concrete figures with the floods still coursing through Germany and the costs of the damage as yet unknown. Merkel on Wednesday, for instance, simply said that the government would impose "no upper limit" on relief efforts. Dams holding, levels receding The River Elbe's levels began to sink in Lauenberg in Schleswig-Holstein on Thursday, a town Merkel had visited the previous day. After clocking overnight levels of 9.56 meters (31.36 feet), as opposed to a standard level of around 4.8 meters, local disaster management authorities said that by mid-morning, water level sank to 9.50 meters. The Lauenberg officials said the situation had stabilized and that dams were showing no signs of tears or ruptures. Worst-case-scenario predictions had suggested that Lauenberg might face an Elbe swelling beyond the 10-meter mark. Settlements in Saxony-Anhalt, Brandenburg and Lower Saxony are still fighting the Elbe's crest. The high waters are bearing down on the port city of Hamburg, but authorities in the city said on Thursday that they were hoping for comparatively limited damage. The mouth of the Elbe widens and becomes considerably deeper, meaning only a modest rise was likely around the harbor. Emergency services were concentrating on shoring up the dams further upstream, and on Thursday expressed cautious optimism. As well as the government efforts to provide aid, millions of Germans have rushed to help those in the flood-hit regions. A YouGov Deutschland poll published on Thursday, with a sample of 1,050 people, found that 15 percent of those surveyed had donated money for flood victims.

Officers from British Transport Police are appealing for information after the boy trespassed onto the Metro tracks in East Boldon. Investigators have released an image of a youth they would like to speak to in connection with the incident which happened on Sunday 26 May. PC David Burns said: “Around 1pm, a young man was seen to climb off the platform, and run along the tracks for a short while before climbing back onto the platform. “A Metro train then arrived and he jumped back onto the tracks and ran across towards the stationary train and started banging on the windows. “He then ran back across the tracks and got back on the platform.” Emphasising the dangers of trespassing, PC Burns added: “This is the second incident of this nature in the area in the space of one weekend. “I simply cannot overstate just how dangerous trespassing on the railway is. “Though people may think they are perfectly safe and can get out of the way of any trains, they often fail to realise the true situation and the danger they are in. “Trains can approach quietly and, if you are trespassing, often when you do hear an approaching train it can be too late to move out of the way. “If you recognise the man pictured, or know his whereabouts, then please get in touch.” A Nexus spokesman said: “Messing around on Metro tracks is extremely dangerous and we urge young people to think twice about doing this. It may look like a bit of fun, but you run the risk of being very seriously injured or even killed.”

Matt Guthery from Newcastle, who was a best friend to Lee Halpin for over ten years, is training every day in preparation for the event. Sponsorship will help continue the Stepping Outside documentary that Lee Halpin was working on when he died sleeping rough on the streets of Newcastle. A qualified personal trainer, 25-year-old Matt described the need to finish the film as "imperative" adding: "I treat it like a full time job. "When Lee passed away it just left this horrible, empty, completely hopeless feeling and it's not really sunk in yet but that is what is driving me at the minute. "Every time I cycle to work, every time I get in the pool, every time I see a picture of him, I couldn't ask for a bigger inspiration or fire to go towards doing it. "We both loved sport, both supported the Toon and played for the same football teams. Both of us approached every kind of sporting situation in the same way, go hard or go home. "He'd probably say I wasn't training hard enough just to motivate me even more. He was a great person to know and I hope I can do him proud." Matt is working alongside a group of Lee Halpin's friends who vowed to finish the documentary he started working on in early 2013. He is planning further fundraising challenges later in the year, including a Tough Mudder obstacle course and an Epic Swim in Cumbria.

Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons. This farmer had just inherited some of money from his brother's recent death. He couldn't decide which son he could send to college, since he could only afford to send one. This farmer also had two ducks. These ducks were retarded. They were only two ducks on the farm that weren't normal. He told his sons that whoever could get the most money for the duck would go to college. The sons went out in attempt to collect as much money as they could. The first son was walking down the street when he passed a man working in the yard. The man asked him if the duck was for sale, for the man loved the taste of ducks. He offered the son 10 dollars for his duck. The son decided this was very good, so he took it. He decided his brother wouldn't be able to get close to his success. The second son was walking and passed a whorehouse. He went in and said that he didn't have any money, but he would give them the duck. One girl said fine. After they fucked, she decided that she didn't want the duck anymore. The son said he would take the duck back if they fucked again. She agreed. After they fucked the second time, the son left. He was walking home, thinking about what to do with the duck when it broke the leash. The duck ran out into the street and was hit by a car. The lady that hit it jumped from her car and started apologizing profusely. The son insisted it was ok, but the lady said she would pay for the duck. She was in a hurry, so she gave him 25 dollars and sped off. When the sons got home, the farmer asked the first son what he got. He proudly displayed the 10 dollars. The farmer was impressed. He asked the second son the same thing. "That's nothing. I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 25 dollars for a fucked up duck."

One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.) Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and -- oh, surprise -- out popped a genie. The genie asked, as genies will, “What is your first wish?” The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, “I would like to be rich!” So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates. Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, “My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!” And poof, he was there. Then the government worker -- or, as I like to call him, civil servant -- decided on his third wish, “I don't want to do any work ever again!” and poof -- ubiquitous ironic twist -- he was back in his office.

Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together. One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?" "I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man. He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights. He then asks the man where he lives. Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding." "You got a silver compact and a red pickup?" "The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck." The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom." "I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls." The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot." "I don't care! Just do it!" The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one!"

I took a day off from work to play golf. I was on the fourth hole, when I discovered a small frog sitting on the green. I paid it no attention until I heard, "Ribbit. 9-iron." That's curious, I thought, but decided to trust the frog. I pulled out a 9-iron and sunk a hole-in-one. Amazed, I picked up the frog and asked where we should go next. "Ribbit. Vegas." We went to Vegas, and I asked the frog what we should do first. "Ribbit. Roulette." We went up to the roulette table, and I won big. I took my earnings and got the best room in the hotel. I asked the frog if there was anything I could do to repay it. "Ribbit. Kiss me." I figured, what the hell, and I kissed the frog. It turned into a 15-year-old girl. That's how she ended up in my room, your Honor, and if I'm lying, my name's not R. Kelly.

A poor minister was having trouble managing his church. The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn't work, and the church didn't have the funds for any repairs. The minister got a brilliant idea. He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover. At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance. He said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate." They did, and he had the church's roof fixed that week. This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again. Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate." They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone. His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money." He started swinging his watch again, and he thought, "I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more." He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive, that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped from his grip, he yelled: "Shit!" It took him two weeks to air out the church.

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year unaccompanied in Shemya, Alaska. The first night home, he told his wife he had something to show her. "I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!" And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. "Dick, ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. "Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again. "That was amazing," said his wife. "Can I bring over our neighbor to show her?" The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of his accomplishment. So his wife brought back a delicious looking woman. "Dick, ten-HUT!" And his penis sprang up. "Dick, at EASE!" Nothing. "Dick, at EASE!" Still nothing. "For the last time, Dick -- at EASE!" Frustratingly enough, nothing happened. Embarrassed, he ran off to the bathroom. Worried, his wife ran after and found that he was vigorously masturbating. "What are you doing?" "I'm giving this guy a dishonorable discharge!"

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc... The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!'' So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked? ''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply. ''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?'' ''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.'' The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?'' The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.'' The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.