Omnion

Microsoft's Latest Venture News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings. The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches. While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One precaution is that the user must be sure they have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner. DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used. CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic that "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt. After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other." The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely." The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune." She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.

Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

Hello and welcome to CyberPhoenix

Hello and welcome to CyberPhoenix

In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss. In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian. In Computer Heaven: The management is from Intel, The design and construction is done by Apple, The marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support, Gateway determines the pricing. In Computer Hell: The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and construction, IBM handles the marketing, The support is from Gateway, Intel sets the price.

Hello and Welcome to CyberPhoenix

Hello and Welcome to CyberPhoenix

Officers say the car refused to stop for police and was followed until it crashed on Barrack Road on the early hours of Monday June 10. All three men, who are in a stable condition at Newecastle's Royal Victoria Infirmary, have been arrested on suspicion of dangerous driving and failing to stop. A Northumbria Police spokesman said: "At 4.22am on Monday, June 10, a vehicle in Newcastle failed to stop for police and was subsequently followed for a short distance. "For reasons yet to be established, the car then crashed at Barrack Road in Newcastle. "It's been established that the vehicle was first seen by police in the Gallowgate area of the city. "At this time, it's believed there were three men in the car. All three, one aged 37 and two aged 26, were taken to the RVI for treatment, where they remain in stable conditions. All three have been arrested on suspicion of dangerous driving and failing to stop. Police are appealing for witnesses "Enquiries into the incident are still ongoing and police are appealing for witnesses to contact them. In particular they are keen for a man who spoke with officers in the Gallowgate area prior to the incident taking place to get back in touch as soon as possible." The crash caused serious problems for motorists. Barrack Road was closed between Fenham Hall Drive and the central motorway for around seven hours to allow an investigation to establish exactly what happened to begin. The matter will be referred to the IPCC as a matter of policy due to police involvement prior to the crash. Any witnesses or anyone with information is asked to contact police on 101 ext 69191.

An allegedly real-life customer complaint letter sent to the NTL complaints dept.. Dear Cretins I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived... A total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were crap, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees. Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

Hello and welcome to CyberPhoenix

Hello and welcome to CyberPhoenix

kevin please make me one with real madrid team

I want v1 please

The Cable Show began on Monday, and as the industry executives gathered in Washington D.C. they faced two big threats to their core lines of business. One involves the nature of pay television in an age of over-the-top content, and the other, the rise of gigabit networks. In many ways it would seem that the rise of gigabit networks would crush the business of providing pay TV, but in fact, if cable companies play it smart, they may find a way to walk the line as their industry transitions to all-IP content delivery over broadband networks. They may even find new sources of revenue by offering IP services such as home security and automation. To understand what cable firms are dealing with, I spoke with Phil McKinney, the president of CableLabs, the industry standards setting body that is responsible for pushing cable’s access technologies. CableLabs is the organization behind the DOCSIS 3.0 standard, which has helped cable companies roll out 100 Mbps and faster speeds. Unfortunately, those speeds have a practical limit that won’t help cable providers like Comcast or Time *****W Cable compete with Google’s gigabit networks. And if AT&T or municipalities get aggressive about deploying such networks, cable providers might find themselves selling the equivalent of feature phones in a smartphone world. Getting cable to a gig Enter DOCSIS 3.1, the next generation of the cable access technologies. The new standard will allow cable firms deploying D3.1 equipment to deliver up to 10 gigabits per second down and 1 gigabit up. The technology uses OFDM technologies familiar to the wireless industry to cram more bits into a single megahertz of available spectrum used in the cable plants (it’s 11 bits per hertz if you care). Thus, cable providers can then deliver more bandwidth using their existing radio frequencies. These RF channels are part of cable’s legacy of delivering analog television signals over coaxial cable. In today’s hybrid fiber and coax networks some of the overall transmission is digital, but the coaxial and RF frequency limits remain in some parts of the network. Cable firms still haven’t gone all-IP, which means that most cable companies are dedicating some of their spectrum to their pay television business and some to delivering broadband. One technology uses IP and the other uses QAMs. But as people demand more bandwidth and higher definition TV channels, cable operators must decide where to allocate their limited spectrum, or lose market share they have gained in the broadband market. McKinney is also touting new compression codecs like HEVC that help lower the number of bits in a stream but still deliver high-definition quality. It uses half the information that MPEG-4, the current standard, uses. That gives cable companies a little more room on their spectrum to allocate for more broadband channels or more TV channels. McKinney notes that CableLabs is moving faster than it has ever moved in order to get DOCSIS 3.1 out to constituents — achieving in two and half years what it took five to do for previous standards. Comcast says it expects to start deploying DOCSIS 3.1 in 2015.

The news that the National Security Administration and the Federal Bureau of Investigation have been collecting phone and Internet communication data has provoked outrage, new Internet memes and plenty of petitions. And it has had other effects, such as getting users to think about their online privacy, and giving attention to services that have long catered to a more privacy-conscious community. Case in point: DuckDuckGo, a small search engine designed for people who don’t want their search results tracked, announced that it had seen a serious bump in users after getting media exposure this week. According to a company tweet, DuckDuckGo logged 2 million direct daily searches on Monday. That’s an all-time high for the small firm, which has been building a niche audience of privacy-focused Internet users since its 2008 launch. In a Washington Post profile last year, DuckDuckGo founder Gabriel Weinberg said that he wanted to make a fast, simple search engine — a service very much like Google in the early days — that offers a no-frills search interface and eschews ads. The company also recently joined the Digital Due Process coalition, a group of companies and nonprofit organizations calling for updated surveillance laws more suited for the Internet age. Other services, which have operated just under the superficial layer of the Web that most of us see, may also be on the rise. Tor, a secure but reasonably easy-to-use browser bundle that lets users cover their online tracks, has been a go-to product for security-focused surfers. (As my Post colleague Timothy Lee noted, a Tor sticker graces the back of NSA leak source Edward Snowden’s laptop.) In its annual report for 2012, the nonprofit Tor Project’s executive director Andrew Lewman said the group sees about half a million daily users. But that number may grow. Google searches in the United States for “Tor browser” have also been on the rise this month, according to Google trends. The Tor Project didn’t immediately respond to a request for comment on whether those searches have translated to a spike in downloads, but the software’s exposure has certainly gone up after being named in several write-ups suggesting ways to work around using the companies identified as PRISM participants. Of course, moving off the mainstream comes with its own compromises. Surfing with Tor, for example, makes everything slower because it’s bouncing your traffic off other computers around the world — a trade-off that users make for privacy. And using a service like DuckDuckGo means leaving behind the other search features such as the built-in maps or shopping breakouts that Google and Bing can offer by looking through your data. The question is whether those are trade-offs users are willing to make. Turning to social networking and chat services such as Diaspora* or Cryptocat can mean leaving your less privacy-conscious friends behind. Those switching costs are hard for many users to overcome. For all the outrage that usually follows an unpopular policy change or a data breach, switching from an established service like Google, Facebook or Twitter is tough and often seems like more trouble than it’s worth. But privacy is a growing concern, and one that Americans are doing more about, as the Pew Center on Internet and American Life found last month when looking at teens and their privacy habits. If nothing else, this spike in interest has turned a spotlight on a growing community that’s turning away from the mainstream Internet for pastures that, if not always greener, at least have higher fences.

In scenes reminiscent of the Alfred Hitchcock classic film The Birds, thousands of Arctic terns nesting on the isolated Farne Islands, on the coast of Northumberland, are swooping down and attacking visitors. The attacks have forced people to wear hats and take cover under jackets. Even keen bird watchers trying to photograph the terns have been targeted. Will Scott, National Trust Ranger, said: "The Terns are 'pecking head', as it were, to protect their eggs and also to protect their chicks. "Obviously they nest quite close to the board walk which gives them a bit of protection from the gulls who come and take their eggs. "It's a bit of a love hate relationship because the humans that are protecting them by chasing away the gulls are also quite close to their eggs which is why they are pecking head and can drop a little present on you as well." The pecking has not put off tourists, who continue to visit the islands in their droves. One visitor said: "I think they're fantastic, it is the first time I have been for years. I'm not scared, what's the point in being scared, they're just friendly. I really love them." Another said: "They are absolutely fantastic, this is the second time I have been and I'd recommend it to anybody, it really is fantastic." When asked about visitors being scared of the birds, she said: "They know what they're coming into, they should be prepared and bring a hat. It's no good hitting the birds, they are just protecting their nest." The Farne Islands are a group of 20 islands and are home to hundreds of seals and one of Britain's largest sea bird colonies. Will Scott said: "The Farne Islands are really important for Arctic tern. We are one of the largest colonies in England and one of the most successful as well. "The presence of people makes the terns a lot more successful, a lot more collective as a colony and produce a lot more chicks because of the lack of predators who come and steal their chicks while they are raising them."

Satriani returns to Newcastle for the first time in three-years as part of UK leg of his world tour for his 14th studio album Unstoppable Momentum. On his return to Newcastle, Satriani said: "The very first time we started the deepest penetration of the UK, I was absolutely stunned at how difficult it was to understand my fans after the show standing by the tour bus signing autographs, the accents were just incredible. "I always find it fascinating that we speak the same language but it sounds completely different when it’s coming at you." Joe Satriani has been a worldwide guitar hero since his 1987 breakthrough album, Surfing with the Alien. Over 10-million albums and CD’s later, in addition to 14 Grammy nominations and numerous accolades Satriani continues to push the envelope of modern rock guitar playing. Although he originally started his career by teaching some of the top rock guitar players of the '80s and '90s like Metallica’s Kirk Hammet and virtuoso Steve Vai, Joe Satriani is universally hailed as one of the most technically accomplished and respected guitar players in rock. Satriani, who cites Jimi Hendrix as a major influence, quickly established himself as one of rock’s most influential guitarists. Since the release of Surfing with the Alien in 1987, Satriani has continually been voted the best guitarist in leading guitar magazine readers’ polls. Chosen by Mick Jagger to perform worldwide on Mick’s first solo tour, and by Deep Purple to tour Japan and Europe, Satriani cemented his reputation as a true guitar hero. After releasing several critically acclaimed solo albums, in 1996, Satriani embarked on the first G3 showcase tour, which became an instant success. G3 have performed sold out tours in North America, Europe, South America, Japan and Australia, and have released three live G3 DVDs. In 2009 Joe teamed up with Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony of Van Halen plus Chad Smith of the Red Hot Chili Peppers to form Chickenfoot. The band’s debut album was an international success, receiving gold awards in the US, Canada and Europe, plus recognition from Classic Rock Magazine as The Best New Band of 2009. Joe released his 11th studio album Black Swans and Wormhole Wizards in October 2010 and followed this with extensive North American and European tours. The following year, Chickenfoot’s second album, III, was released to critical acclaim on 27thSeptember. In January 2012, Satriani embarked on a European tour with Chickenfoot. By April 2012, he released the DVD/Blu-Ray of his much talked about 3D concert film Satchurated: Live In Montreal. During the same year, he embarked on G3 tours of Europe and Australia with Steve Vai and Steve Lukather. On 22nd September 2012 Satriani performed at the 50 Years of Marshall tribute concert in honour of the late Jim Marshall, at London’s Wembley Arena which also included Paul Gilbert, Zakk Wylde, Glenn Hughes, Yngwie Malmsteen, Doug Aldrich, Billy Duffy, Nicko McBrain, Corey Taylor, Brian Tichy, Tim ‘Ripper’ Owens, Mike Portnoy, Andy Fraser and Kerry King.

Eight of the celebrated mining artist's pictures will form part of Newcastle auctioneers Anderson and Garland's Fine Art and Antiques sale from 18-21 June. The assortment features some of Cornish’s most sought after early work, including 'Colliery at night: Pit road' valued at £15k and 'Man and his dog', estimated at £9k. There is also a gouache on newspaper called 'Pit road' providing another perspective of the painter’s daily walk to and from the Dean and Chapter Colliery in Spennymoor, where he worked. John Bullock-Anderson at Anderson and Garland said: "Norman Cornish is without doubt the North East’s greatest living artist of pitmatic paintings and here we have some excellent examples of his work. "Three of the paintings come from The Stone Gallery in Newcastle where Cornish was first discovered, which immediately provides a clear provenance and significantly increases their value. "Cornish has always painted similar compositions and the beauty of his pictures is that he captures what he sees without sentimentality but also without depicting things as being 'grim up North'. "It’s a fine line but one that he succeeds in achieving every time – you can see that the work is painted with affection for his environment, a community that he has never left." Simon Marshall now runs The Stone Gallery, which was founded by his father in the mid 1950s.

The 15-year-old was airlifted to the Royal Victoria Infirmary in Newcastle after the accident at 9.13pm on Tuesday June 11 on Pallion New Road. The road was closed for around four hours while investigations were carried out and police enquiries are continuing.

HMS Ark Royal, which was built at the Swann Hunter ship yard in Wallsend, was decommissioned in 2010 as part of Government cuts to the budget for the Ministry of Defence. HMS Ark Royal will be broken up over eight months by 80 workers at the Leylal company, near Izmir on the west coast of Turkey. The decision to scrap the 22,000-ton ship came following a bidding process which included proposals to turn Ark Royal into a helipad in the Thames, a museum, a hotel, a casino or a diving wreck off the South coast. HMS Ark Royal saw three decades of service and was seen as a symbol of the former might of the Royal Navy. She was the fifth vessel to carry the name of the flagship which saw off the Spanish Armada in 1588. Known as the Mighty Ark, the light aircraft carrier saw action in the Adriatic during the Bosnian War in 1993 before being sent to lead the British fleet during the invasion of Iraq a decade later. Ark Royal dropped anchor in Turkey after travelling from Portsmouth harbour.

A man calls his mother in Israel: "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak." The son says, "Why are you so weak?" She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65." "This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?," he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Enter