Omnion

Accident

UK mobile phone giant Vodafone has confirmed it seeks to buy German cable network operator Kabel Deutschland. As Germany's biggest cable firm is already in the focus of other telecoms firms, its price tag is set to rise. Vodafone had made a preliminary approach to Kabel Deutschland (KD), as it sought to make a possible offer for the German cable network operator, the British mobile phone company announced Wednesday. "There is no certainty that any offer will ultimately be made, nor as to the terms on which any such offer might be made," the UK-based group added in a brief statement. The move is seen as heating up the takeover race for Germany's biggest cable network operator, which, apart from Vodafone, has also been in the focus of US cable giant Liberty Global. Hartman Capital analyst Basil Petrides told Reuters news agency that Vodafone's bid was to be considered as part of a defensive strategy, aimed at preventing a takeover by Liberty Global, which had already bought German cable networks Unitymedia and Kabel BW. Vodafone has been pursuing a takeover of KD since earlier this year, and hired Goldman Sachs in search of advice on the deal, estimated to cost about 10 billion euros ($13 billion). Analysts said Vodafone must offer at least 80 euros for each KD share, and that it needed to cover the cable operator's debt to the tune of 2.8 billion euros. In stock market reactions, Vodafone shares plummeted about 5 percent in London on Wednesday, while those in Kabel Deutschland surged more than 8 percent to 81 euros per share.

European authorities have known since mid-2011 that the US could conduct surveillance on EU citizens. But experts say that European countries had little interest in picking a fight with their ally in Washington. There has been widespread outrage in Europe over the scope of the National Security Agency's PRISM surveillance program. European experts, however, are not surprised by American whistleblower Edward Snowden's revelations. "What Snowden revealed about PRISM was already known to certain well-connected people for a long time," Benjamin Bergemann, the author of the German blog netzpolitik.org and a member of the Digitale Gesellschaft (Digital Society) e.V., told DW. In the EU, there was no awareness that mass political surveillance was possible, according to the authors of the study. Incredibly, since 2011 "neither the EU Commission nor the national lawmakers nor the European Parliament had any knowledge of FISAAA 1881a." FISAAA 1881a refers to a section of a 2008 amendment to the US Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978. That section of the 2008 amendment empowers US spy agencies to collect information stored by American cloud computing providers. The authors of the EU study warned that US authorities had access to the data of non-US citizens in these so-called data clouds. The report came to the devastating conclusion that the EU was failing to protect its citizens. Focus on China and Russia Europeans had long invested their energy in the fight for consumer protection in the Internet and against cyber crime, according to Julien Jeandesboz of the Centre d'Etudes sur les Conflits. Jeandesboz said that the focus in the EU was not on state-sponsored threats to its citizens. "The focus is on cyber crime, on identity theft but also on the regulation of company behavior," said Jeandesboz. "And when it comes to state-linked issues the concern was much more with the actions and activities of government-sponsored hacking, like the red hacker activities from Chinese operatives or from Russia." Jeandesboz believes that political motivations explain the EU's blind eye to US spy activities. The Patriot Act, which gave Washington broad wiretapping authority after the September 11, 2001 attacks, was controversial and publicly discussed in the EU. "It’s one thing to take measures against non-state actors, ‘cyber criminals’ if you want to call them," argued Jeandesboz. "It’s another thing to take action against the US Government, which at the end of the day is an ally of most EU governments, a very strong trade partner and the provider of internet access and internet services for the entire planet. It’s a very delicate matter." European intelligence agencies complicit? According to Britain's Guardian newspaper, European intelligence agencies may have profited from the Americans' surveillance activities. The Guardian reported that Britain's equivalent to the NSA, GCHQ, appears to have made use of American intelligence gleaned from PRISM. Every European user of Facebook and Google should be aware that their data may be subject to PRISM, said blogger Benjamin Bergemann. US President Barack Obama makes a statement to reporters on the Affordable Care Act at Fairmont Hotel in San Jose, California, on June 7, 2013. AFP PHOTO/Jewel Samad (Photo credit should read JEWEL SAMAD/AFP/Getty Images) After the leak, the Obama administration said it welcomed the public debate "One could say, 'what interest does the US have in me?' But one should not forget that the European criminal justice systems have an interest in such surveillance and so a coalition of interests could form," Bergemann said. EU citizens' rights violated While Internet users in Europe can sue in court for the control of their own data, no such legal right exists in the US. And European law is at a loss when it comes to transnational data transfers. According to Nicolas Hernanz of the Center for European Policy Studies in Brussels, many laws that are passed in the US now also affect EU citizens: "In the EU, each individual has the right to control their own data. So it’s striking to see that a lot of policies are made in the United States that apply to EU citizens where basically the right to be the sole proprietor of your own data is thrown into the trash can." US lobbyists have managed numerous times to water down tough data protection provisions in EU treaties, according to Bergemann. He hopes that the importance of data protection and privacy will be reflected in pending EU legislative initiatives. Jeandesboz believes that this is an issue of central importance: "If the discovery of PRISM doesn’t contribute to a thriving public debate, then maybe I’m too pessimistic here, but then nothing will - because we’re dealing with data collection on a massive scale that we thought was possible but not actual." Jeandesboz said that Europeans need to stand up for their legal tradition in the face of the US. Otherwise, more civil liberties could be sacrificed for security. "The fear of terrorism and the preventative security concept have reached their high point," said blogger Benjamin Bergemann. Data protection directive There are many proposals for how the EU can protect its citizens from US surveillance. But there is little unity in the 27-member bloc. A data protection directive, which is supposed to be passed before the 2014 EU elections, has been vigorously debated. Auf dem Bild: Das Gebäude des EU-Parlaments in Straßburg, Frankreich. 16.1.2013. Rechte: Philipp Böll / DW The EU parliament is considering ways to protect its citizens' data privacy EU parliamentarians have proposed several changes to the directive. One proposal would flag American web services, warning EU users that the site is governed by US law and could be under the control of US authorities. Another proposal would extend protection to the whistleblower Edward Snowden. Disturbing trends in Europe At the very least, political pressure would be placed on the US if Washington were forced to sign a law enforcement treaty with the EU. But not even that exists at the moment. And experts warn that pointing the finger across the pond is not enough. Within the EU too, there has to be a discussion about whether or not data protection should be sacrificed to counterterrorism, the experts say. The concept of preventive security is gaining more weight in the EU too, according to Bergemann. "The telecommunications providers have been forced to set up an electronic interface for the authorities so that IP addresses can be retrieved," Bergemann said. "These trends also exist in Europe."

It is a stark contrast: Pictures of people in bright sunlight filling sandbags while the Elbe flows over its banks. It's partly thanks to the sun that so many volunteers have come to help, says Wittenberge's mayor. It's a nice, early-summer day in Wittenberge in the north of the state of Brandenburg. The sun is shining down on the quiet town of 17,000 people that promotes its image of being the gate to the Elbe River valley. Without the fire fighters, police and the German Technical Relief Agency (THW) passing through, it could pass for a normal day in Wittenberge. But as you get closer and closer to the Elbe River, the sandbags pile up higher and higher. Police have blocked off nearly all access to the river - leaving just one road open to a former industrial site where volunteers are helping fill sandbags. City officials said they hope to fill some 140,000 sandbags per day to reinforce dikes along the course of the river. New record high "We coordinate filling the sandbags and then send them off to where they are needed," said Rainer Wöhlert, who is responsible for supervising this area's operation. Despite the fact that the Elbe's record high of more than 7.70 meters (25 feet) has slowly started to fall the city is not out of danger yet. "We need to continue filling sandbags in order to reinforce protection measures quickly," Wöhlert said. Sandbags in Wittenberge (photo: DW / A:Drechsel) Sandbags are piled up in front of Wittenberge's houses That's why many helping hands continue to push parts of drain pipes into a pile of sand - a technique that lets them fill the bags much faster than with a shovel, a volunteer explained. "The bags weigh about 25 kilograms (55 pounds)," the gray-haired man said while he holds a bag and second helper scoops in the sand. A wet sandbag can easily weigh 50 kilograms, both men said. It's hard, physical labor and while temperatures are pleasant in the morning, the sun beats down on volunteers at the industrial site later in the day. But volunteers are still willing to lend a hand to help protect the city from a flood. Even school classes come here by bus. In addition to THW vehicles, private companies have sent transporters as well to get the filled sandbags to the dikes. But only professional aides are allowed to deliver the bags, because it's too risky for volunteers who might panic if the dam were to break. People checking the dikes have to be professionally trained as well. They are the ones deciding on where the sandbags are needed. Merkel visited Wittenberge's headquarters A special flood operations center in the city coordinates flood protection measures: Getting sand and sandbags, organizing transport and deciding on where to put them. The unit in Wittenberge is based at the volunteer fire company's building. German Chancellor Angela Merkel visited the headquarters on Monday (10.06.2013). Volunteers like Stephan Pfeiffer, an officer in the German military, register to help at the operations center. He and 15 other crew members on the U31 submarine came from the Baltic Sea to Brandenburg and got right to work after the four-hour trip. "It goes without saying to help when someone is in need," he said. "The Bundeswehr provided us with equipment and gave us two trucks. That's how we can transport sandbags to dikes to support them." Pfeiffer said he expects to stay on for another week. It's the high level of the river and the flood's duration that make a prolonged operation likely. Sandbags in Wittenberge (photo: DW / A. Drechsel) Volunteers help filling sandbags - they filled some 165,000 in one day These two factors also worry Wittenberge's mayor, Oliver Hermann. The record high of 2002's "flood of the century" was surpassed by more than half a meter, said Hermann. "Now it all depends on timing; that it doesn't take too long, because that would be a lot of pressure on the dikes," he said. "It also depends on the dike defense mechanisms - that weak points get eliminated fast." Targeting weak points Germany battles floods along the Elbe All in all, the dikes are in decent condition, but there are weak points, Hermann said. Wittenberge was in the process of building higher dikes of almost eight meters when the flood hit. They had to build a makeshift dike instead. If that dike were to break, it's not only the old parts of Wittenberge that would be flooded, the mayor said. Eventually it would reach all of Wittenberge - that's why it's so important that everyone lends a hand, he added. "We are positively surprised by the readiness to help others," Hermann said, adding that it was difficult to get people out to help in previous floods because they happened during the winter. More people were willing to help in sunshine, according to the mayor. That's why he appreciates the nice weather in Brandeburg's north and hopes it will stay on for another couple of days.

yachting

Q: Why did the blonde become a big basketball fan? A: Because every time they stopped the clock, she thought she stopped aging.

One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich. The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender. The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78. The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back to the bar. They order the same thing as the day before, and again the cat is really rude to the bartender and won't tip him. The bartender tells them that their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78. The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back into the bar. This time the man and the ostrich order a double scotch. The cat orders a scotch and is rude to the bartender. The bartender smiles to himself, knowing that there is no chance the man will get the exact amount of money, and he's getting pissed at the cheapskate cat. He tells the man that their bill is $15.63. The man reaches into his pocket and gets the exact change! The bartender is astonished. He asks the man how he always gets the right amount of change. The man tells him, "Well, one day I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out. He told me I could have any three wishes I wanted. My first wish was that I could reach into my pocket and get the exact change of anything I was buying." "Very smart," said the bartender. "My second wish was to have a high tolerance for alcohol." "Good choice!" the bartender exclaimed. "What was your third wish?" "Well, that wasn't too bright on my part. I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

Q: What's it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer.

Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Hella.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do: 1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that. 2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that. 3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too. 4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too. 5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

Dear Child, I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out. Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom. Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Evolve

Microsoft has changed. Instead of ignoring or defending its mistakes, it's taking a radically different tack -- it's fixing them. Instead of another boring conference with an uncomfortable CEO taking center stage, TechEd was a breath of fresh air, packed with strong presentations, welcome announcements, entertaining videos and big product discounts that had devs lining up for hours. For much of the last decade, Microsoft has set an example more of doing things wrong than right, but at TechEd last week, Microsoft suddenly was showcasing a number of really smart decisions and best practices. It almost felt like an event from a different company -- or the company I remember from the 1990s, before it got arrogant; when it was younger, more vital and a bit more fun. I'll expand on that this week and close with my product of the week: the new Intel Haswell processor. Picking an MC by Skills - Not Title For a long time, Microsoft and many other companies have selected the people who go on stage mainly by title and status and not by skill. As a result, we get overwhelmed with people who really suck on the big stage. For most of Microsoft's last decade, this was Steve Ballmer, who actually was rather good if placed in the proper venue (read interview) but generally sucked as keynote speaker or MC. What's kind of sad is he clearly rehearsed and worked very hard to present well, but ever since he was criticized for the Monkey Boy "Developers, Developers, Developers" talk, he has been overly concerned with his appearance and, as a result, been stilted (read no fun) on stage. Well at TechEd, Brad Anderson was the main MC for the keynote. For once, Microsoft picked someone who's relatively good at giving a talk to lead the talk, and that was just the beginning of what was a refreshing change. As I understand it, you'll see something very similar at the Apple Worldwide Developers Conference, where the company's lead designer, not its dull CEO, will take the center stage this week. Presenters should be picked based on how well they present -- not on how big their title is -- and Microsoft did that right this year. Bringing Back the Microsoft Films Historically, Microsoft events were defined by humorous films that provided a message and were a ton of fun to watch -- here is one of my favorites. One year they had a fake documentary and even got old competitors to do cameo interviews, ending with a shot at Larry Ellison's excessive attraction to big sailboats. Some of this sense of humor is actually coming back in ads positioned against the iPad, as well as against the iPhone and the Samsung S4 -- the wedding with the fighting attendees -- which are really fun to watch and, I think, brilliant commercials. Microsoft has done some fun things on the Web over the last few years, like this fake waterslide video, but it kind of lost its mojo at conferences. However, TechEd started with a James Bond spoof -- granted, it wasn't that funny, but it was fun to watch and did drive home the point that security is now core to Microsoft. It even showcased a Microsoft customer Try Desk.com Start Your Free Trial Today. Click Here., Aston Martin, very well (and damned if I don't want one now). Fixing Past Mistakes One of the mistakes Microsoft made last year was bringing the ARM version of Windows 8 to market crippled. Given that Windows 8 was designed to take the fight to Apple on the iPad, and that ARM provided the best alternative in terms of weight, price and performance, Microsoft should have been all-in with this effort. Somebody missed that meeting, though, and the product was crippled and sold poorly as a result. What crippled it was the lack of Outlook and the lack of either a domain join option or a good workaround. Well, during the show -- although at a different venue, Computex -- Microsoft announced that Outlook would be on the product by year end and that there was a fix for the domain join issue. Often when a company cripples a product, it denies the mistake until the product fails, but that didn't happen in this case. Once this fix is in place, Windows 8.1 RT should be able to rise to its full potential. Azure Pack In this market, there are typically two company types -- the ones that provide services and the ones that provide solutions to those companies. Typically Microsoft would be in the latter class, but with Azure it went into cloud services. Recognizing that its primary market would want to do its own thing, Microsoft created the Azure Pack, or a way for companies to provide their own custom Azure services either internally or externally. It was an unexpected move but one that particularly excited the TechEd audience. Developers, Developers, Developers One of the things that Steve Ballmer has been mercilessly teased about was that speech he gave on developers. What made this particularly sad was that Steve was dead-on right. It is developers who make Microsoft successful, and Microsoft remembered them at the show by giving members of its developer network up to 97 percent off if they wanted to use Azure for development and testing. The developers in the audience really loved this, and the IT folks loved the part where any VM that was turned off was free. These are aggressive price positions targeted at getting developers to stay with or once again move to Microsoft platforms, and they were certainly very much appreciated by the audience. Selling Out Surface Microsoft had two good deals at TechEd: a Surface Tablet for US$400, or less than half off; or a Surface RT tablet for $100, or about 75 percent off. The line for buying them eventually had to be shut down -- not because Microsoft ran out of product, but because the conference center wouldn't let it run the line all night. There was this massive number of IT folks and developers buying Surface products and willing to stand in horrific lines to buy them. That's how you develop advocacy for a new product. You get a bunch of influencers to use it -- and when folks buy something, they are much more likely to use that thing than if they get it for free. Wrapping Up: Reorganization Around Cloud and Devices During the show, Steve's plan to reorganize Microsoft around cloud services and devices was leaked. In short, Microsoft is going to be rebuilt around where the market is going and shift away from where the market is today. This is the kind of big gamble CEOs must make if they want to anticipate future opportunities and not become obsolete. Few CEOs do this because it is very risky. You can guess wrong -- and that is why so few companies last more than a few decades. Eventually, the market moves on. Well, Microsoft's CEO apparently is stepping up to make this gamble. While the outcome is far from certain, he should be applauded for having the balls to make what appears to be a very reasonable bet, given that we do appear to be moving to a cloud and device market. In short, suddenly we have a very different Microsoft this year. Given that Steve actually told me he was doing to make this change more than a decade ago, my only question is why did it take so long? Kudos to Microsoft and Steve Ballmer. Let's hope this is an indicator of better things to come. Product of the Week: Intel's Haswell Processor Product of the Week Speaking of changed companies, I haven't seen Intel move this fast to make a mammoth change in its processor architecture since it launched Centrino a decade ago. Going into this year, it was simply not competitive with the technologies that were going into tablets and smartphones. Intel Haswell However, at Computex last week Intel announced the Haswell and Silvermont processors, which are so much better than their predecessors, they might well have come from different companies. I haven't had a chance to use a Silvermont product yet, but I was on a Haswell desktop much of last week, and it is amazing. Experiencing it on a desktop is hardly testing its mobile capabilities, but this is the quietest, most power-efficient, most fun-to-build (the shipping company must have played basketball with the box so I had to re-case it) system I've ever had. Granted, the ARM folks aren't sleeping, but Intel has really stepped up to the plate with these new parts and have a number of design wins coming in the second half that should give us the thin laptops and tablets we want with the battery life we -- well, I -- need. Hey, if you make my life better, you'll be on the fast track for product of the week, and I love my new Intel Haswell test system.

Today in international tech news: Having already been courted by Apple and Facebook, Israeli startup Waze is reportedly nearing a deal with Google. Also: Britain sticks up for its intelligence-gathering practices; the United States is helping allies shore up their cybersecurity; and Amazon finally releases the Kindle in China. Google appears to have supplanted Facebook -- which had supplanted Apple -- as the likely candidate to acquire Israeli start-up Waze. Google is prepared to pony up US$1.3 billion for the company, according to the Israeli business newspaper Globes. Last month, reports surfaced that Facebook was working on a $1 billion deal for Waze. And that was only after Apple, in late 2012, offered $500 million for the company. At the time of Apple's offer, it was believed Waze was seeking $750 million, so it looks like it was a prudent decision to hold out. Waze is a crowdsourced mobile mapping service. It derives real-time information from its users -- all 47 million of them. Waze has not yet commented on the Google acquisition report. Britain Defends Intelligence Practices William Hague, Britain's foreign secretary, defended the nation's data-gathering habits following reports that GCHQ -- the UK's "eavesdropping center," in the words of the BBC -- had gone around laws to collect info on citizens. Hague declined to comment on whether or not GCHQ had access to PRISM, the U.S. data collection program that continues to make headlines after being leaked last week. Revelations about PRISM have put pressure on UK authorities. Saying that oversight was strong, Hague told BBC radio, "if you are a law-abiding citizen of this country ... you have nothing to fear." U.S. Helping Middle East Allies With Cybersecurity; Asia Next The U.S. is helping allies in the Middle East build up cybersecurity defenses and will soon do the same in Asia. Senior American officials told The New York Times that Iran was the impetus for the Middle East collaboration, while North Korea is the primary concern in Asia. Both Iran and North Korea have been implicated in recent cyberattacks. Last summer, Iran is believed to have launched an assault against Saudi Aramco, an enormous, state-run oil producer in Saudi Arabia, while North Korea is being held responsible for an April cyberattack against banks and television broadcasters in South Korea. Officials declined to say which countries, specifically, would be receiving assistance. They did say, however, that the effort will include providing computer software and hardware as well as training. A presidential directive leaked Friday states that the U.S. reserves the right to take action against imminent threats, a likely reference to Iran and suspicions that the country is working on attacks that could cripple infrastructure, according to the Times. Kindle Launches in China at Last Having launched the Kindle Store in China last December, Kindle devices are finally available in the Middle Kingdom as well. The Kindle Paperwhite and Kindle Fire HD were made available on Amazon's China site on Saturday. The devices are also now available at select retail stores in China, including Suning. Amazon is working with Suning, which has partnerships with almost 1,000 Chinese publishers, to develop local content as well. It's been a slog for Amazon to launch the Kindle. In addition to the usual regulatory obstacles China sets up for wireless devices -- these obstacles are part of the reason smartphone releases in China are often months later than in the West -- China also launched an investigation in December into Amazon's right to sell e-books in the country.

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is. 2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. 3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. 4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. 5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. 6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. 8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. 9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. 10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope? Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house. Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480? Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened. "I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort." "That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?" "Right!" said the drunk, still crying. "You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?" "Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

wonderful