The Shit List

[uk666 5,298]

The Shit List

 

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT

This shit has an odour so powerful that anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

 

THE ALIEN SHIT

Green. 'Nuff said.

 

THE ANDREW SHIT

Like an old friend named Andrew, this one just never quite goes away. Apparently it considers itself special. Bring a book, cuz this one is NEVER finished.

 

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT

This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

 

THE BATHTUB SHIT

You thought you were making bubbles, but much to your surprise.

 

THE BOMBSHELL SHIT

A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

 

THE BORN AGAIN SHIT

After taking this load off, you feel like a new man (or woman).

 

THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT

Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

 

THE BUDDHIST SHIT

The one that requires an hour of meditation.

 

THE BULLSHIT

The kind of shit that you get from eating lunch with your boss.

 

THE CLAY SHIT

The shit that is so big, hard and so difficult to get out of your sphincter that you have to stand up and sit down a few times to mould it into the right shape to get rid of it.

 

THE CLEAN SHIT

The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.

 

THE COLLEGE STUDENT THAT COMES HOME FOR THANKSGIVING SHIT

The most solid shit the student has had since going to college.

 

THE CONTEMPLATED SHIT

Does a shit in the toilet make a plop when there is no one around to hear it?

 

THE CORN SHIT

Self-explanatory.

 

THE CRACKER SHIT

The shit that resembles that cracker you had a few minutes ago.

 

THE CROWD PLEASER

This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

 

THE DANGER SHIT

The one where you have to evacuate the country until the smell goes down.

 

THE DEAD WEIGHT SHIT

The kind where when you’re done you feel 10 pounds lighter.

 

THE DIETICIAN'S DELIGHT SHIT

Shit that both sinks and floats in your toilet, proving to anyone who cares that you had eaten a proper diet.

 

THE DINGLEBERRY SHIT

This is a living shit. After a well taken shit (often "Rabbit" shit), you flush. However the "dingleberry" never goes down. It sits at the bottom looking up at you. Often you leave before you see it. The next person usually finds another stall because they are afraid of the dingleberry, as if the dingleberry is saying, "Go away. Get the hell out of here. This is my home."

 

THE DISOLVING SHIT

The shit that came out solid but them disperses and turns the water all murky brown

 

THE ELASTIC SHIT

This shit comes out, goes into the can, then feels like its back in your ass again.

 

THE ENERGIZER SHIT

It keeps going and going and going and going.

 

THE EXPANDO SHIT

This shit feels small coming out, but blows up like a balloon as soon as it hits unpressurized space.

 

THE EXPLOSIVE SHIT

It is the kind that hits hard and comes out so fast that you think you are going to shoot off the toilet bowl through the ceiling.

 

THE FART SUPRISE SHIT

When you go in and sit on the toilet fart once and your empty. When you get up the toilet is full.

 

THE FIRE IN THE BOWL SHIT

The kind of poopie that singes the hair around your butt from the big feed of Mexican food the night before.

 

THE FLAMING SHIT

These are shits you get from drinking cheap swill.

 

THE FLOATER SHIT

Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flashings.

 

THE FLOCK OF SEAGULLS SHIT

You drank some very yeasty beer the night before, you're driving along the only stretch of freeway with no service station for the next 50 miles, you skid to a halt when you get there, drop your pants on your way in to the trap, and there's an immediate explosion, followed by the realization that there's a new mottled wall-paper on the wall behind the bowl.

 

THE FOUNTAIN SHIT

The kind that comes out so fast and furious (like a fountain sprinkler) as to cause the foul toilet water to splash up on your buttocks. Which, in turn, makes you feel unfresh the rest of the day.

 

THE FOREST SHIT

The one that only hits you when you're six miles into the woods.

 

THE GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT

The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

 

THE GHOST SHIT

The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

 

THE GROANER SHIT

A shit so huge it cannot exist without vocal assistance.

 

THE GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS SHIT

A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

 

THE GUM-BALL SHIT

This is characterized by small, pink (...Green, white or blue...) Spots that result from swallowing your gum. You always want to tell somebody about it.

 

THE HEY LUCY, I'M HOME SHIT

You flush the toilet, it all disappears, but a second later, one floats back.

 

THE HONEYMOON'S OVER SHIT

This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

 

THE HYPNOTIC SHIT

Shit where you finish, look at it, and it's so beautiful, all you can do is just stare at it in wonder and delight.

 

THE I HAVEN'T SHIT IN A WEEK SHIT

On the verge of using an eniema, you know you have to go, or else.

 

THE I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE SHIT

Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.

 

THE I KNOW IT'S IN THERE SOMEWHERE SHIT

Kinda the same as the "It's too late now shit," except the victim can be heard screaming, "Get out here right now! I know you're in there! Stop hiding! Don't make me come in after you!"

 

THE I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE SHIT

Similar to the Lincoln Log and the Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

 

THE I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY SHIT

When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

 

THE I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER SHIT

When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

 

THE IT'S TOO LATE NOW SHIT

After holding it in for too long, you try and go, but nothing comes out. You know it's still in there, though... Needless to say, very frustrating (and uncomfortable).

 

THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT

The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

 

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT

This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)

 

THE LIQUID SHIT

That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

 

THE MAGIC SHIT

Possibly the most perfect poopie. It is like the "Clean" shit in that you don't have to wipe, but like the "Ghost" shit it disappears. You do feel very relieved like you have done a good job.

 

THE MOOD ENHANCER

This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

 

THE MY INTESTINES ARE IN THE TOILET SHIT

This shit hurts so bad coming out that it makes you feel like you have nothing inside you anymore. When you look in the toilet it looks like you’re intestines.

 

THE NEVER ENDING SHIT

The shit that keeps coming out with no end and even when you think you are finished, it is still there, hanging out of your butt.

 

THE NOTORIUS DRINKER SHIT

The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

 

THE OH-SHIT SHIT

Like the Wet Shit in that you wipe 50 times before you are satisfied, but like the Second Wave Shit because after you clog up your toilet you have to go again.

 

THE OLYMPIC SHIT

This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.

 

THE ORGASMIC SHIT

It feels like all your troubles are over once you've finished this shit. It’s orgasmic, once you have finished it you jump up and down for joy.

 

THE PEANUT SHIT

Peanuts in your turds, left over from the plane.

 

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT

An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.

 

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT

Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

 

THE PHANTOM SHIT

This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

 

THE PISSING OUT OF YOUR BUTT SHIT

Feels like you’re pissing out of your butt.

 

THE POLITICALLY CORRECT SHIT

Shit that isn't too long, isn't too short, floats and sinks, and doesn't smell.

 

THE PORRIDGE SHIT

The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices:

(a) Flush and keep going.

(b) Risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

 

THE POWER DUMP SHIT

The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.

 

THE PREMEDITATED SHIT

Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

 

THE PRESSURIZED SHIT

The shit that comes out so fast that you wonder what is going on. Then after it is finished coming out you let out a big fart that was behind it pushing it out.

 

THE PUBLIC SHIT

The only time you make a lot of foul noises is when there are lots of people around to hear it.

 

THE RANGER SHIT

A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

 

THE RAWHIDE SHIT

Shit you hold in so long that when you finally let it go, it comes out with very leathery texture.

 

THE RIBBED FOR HER PLEASURE SHIT

You know, the kind that comes out looking like the elephant man...And makes you feel like you passed one (an elephant that is).

 

THE RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT

This is when you strain so hard you lose thirty pounds in the process.

 

THE RITUAL SHIT

This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

 

THE RUDE SHIT

This shit makes a plea for help like it is drowning. It makes a loud noise that will be heard two to three blocks down. Very embarrassing.

 

THE SALSA SHIT

Burns bad before, during, and after.

 

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT

This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

 

THE SHIT THAT YOU CAN SEE WHAT YOU ATE THE LAST 24 HOURS

This shit usually occurs after you have eaten too many grapes or too much fruit. It is very runny and when you look in the toilet after you are done you can see all of little food particles floating around in the toilet.

 

THE SILLY STRING SHIT

A thin shit that swirls around the bowl in one, continuous, unbroken link. Generally will leave its mark after flushing. You have the urge to call someone to come and look.

 

THE SINKER SHIT

Shit that sinks like lead to the bottom of the toilet, like rocks thrown in a pond.

 

THE SNAKE CHARMER

A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.

 

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT

The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

 

THE SPRAY PAINTER SHIT

This one leaves every square inch of the bowl, under the seat, and your ass covered in shit.

 

THE STAR WARS SHIT

The one that looks like Yoda and gives you special powers.

 

THE SUPERMAN SHIT

            Comes out of your ass faster than a speeding bullet.

 

THE TURBO-CHARGER SHIT

You're sitting there, minding your business, so to speak, thinking everything is normal, and suddenly there is a totally unexpected, yet full and robust passing of wind, followed by more, perfectly normal shit. This typically results in a completely soaked behind.

 

THE UPPER CLASS SHIT

This is the poopie that doesn't stink.

 

THE WET CHEEKS SHIT

Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

 

THE WET SHIT

You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

 

THE WHAMMO SHIT

The shit that went through your system like a slip-n'-slide.

 

THE WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE? SHIT

Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odours. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.