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uk666

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uk666 last won the day on July 24

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About uk666

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  1. You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...... Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. Instant coffee takes too long. People get dizzy just watching you. Some farmer in Colombia names his donkey after you. Starbucks gives you your own parking spot. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." You answer the door before people knock. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You can play the “Minute Waltz” in 38 seconds. You can't even remember your second cup. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. You don't get mad, you get steamed. You don't sweat, you percolate. You don't tan, you roast. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You have a tattoo that says, “Born to Brew.” You watch videos in fast-forward. You haven’t yawned since 2016. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You lick your coffeepot clean. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." You ski uphill. You sleep with your eyes open. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. You speed walk in your sleep. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. Your favourite coffee shop has a day in your honour. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hook-up. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. Your nicknames for your kids are “Star” and “Buck.” Your Thermos is on wheels. Your three favourite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend." You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. You've worn out the handle on your favourite mug. You've worn the finish off your coffee table. You introduce your spouse as your coffee-mate.
  2. Employee Benefits A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay. She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years’ salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums." "I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied. The woman shrugged her shoulders and said: "The company went bankrupt."
  3. If a child refuses to nap……Are they guilty of resisting a rest.
  4. Man goes into a shop, do you sell helicopter crisps……Shopkeeper, sorry, we only sell plane ones.
  5. What do elves learn in school……The elf-abet.
  6. What do you call a person with a briefcase in a tree……A branch manager.
  7. A company is making glass coffins……Whether they’re successful remains to be seen.
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