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uk666

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uk666 last won the day on December 13

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About uk666

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  1. uk666

    The Shit List

    The Shit List Ghost Shit You know you've done a shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but none in the toilet. Teflon Shit Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of shit on the paper. You have to look in the toilet to make sure you did something. Glue Shit This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it's still not clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your jocks so that you don't stain them. This kind of shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet. Second Thought Shit You're all done wiping, and you're about to stand up when you realise....you've got more. Pop A Vein In Your Head Shit The kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come out till you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard. Weight Watchers Shit You shit so much, you lose several kilos. Right Now Shit You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually it has its head out before you can get your pants down. King Kong Shit (or Choker) This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually occurs at someone else's house. Cork Shit (or Floater) Even after the third flush it's still floating in the bowl. Wet Cheek Shit (or Splashdown) This shit hits the water sideways and makes a big splash that gets you all wet. Wish Shit You sit there all cramped up in the foetal position and fart a few times, but no shit in sight. Sometimes called a political shit, since there's a lot of hot air and no result. Brick Shit You wish you had a spinal anaesthetic before you attempted this one. Snake Shit This shit is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least a metre long. Beer and Pizza Shit This happens the day after the night before. Most of the time your shit doesn't smell so bad but this one is BAD... and usually this one happens at someone else's house, with someone waiting outside to come in next. Ring of Fire Shit (or Screamer) The one that happens after you've eaten seriously hot, spicy food. You will know it's safe to eat again when your arse stops burning.
  2. uk666

    Frog Noise

    Frog Noise A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grampa's room. "Grampa, Grampa," he says excitedly, "as soon as grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said his grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland!!!"
  3. Forgiving Your Enemies Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," she replied. "Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived all the bitches."
  4. Scottish Pub Quiz "And the final question to win the £100 is: - "The title of Take That's first album consisted of four words, the first two words were "Take That", what other two words complete the title? There was a long pause then…. A wee Glesga man stands up and says: Was it - "Ya B*stard"...?
  5. uk666

    Like A Virgin

    Like A Virgin Maria had just gotten married, and being an old-style Italian, she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous. Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.' So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, ‘Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.' 'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.' So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!' 'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.' So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!' Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.' 'This is a job for Mama!'
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