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uk666 last won the day on January 18

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About uk666

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    Hole of Horcum
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  1. Yearly Physical A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "115" she says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," she says. The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5". She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high. "Of course, it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here, I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
  2. Answer A Question Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?" Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question." Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?" Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
  3. The Best Cricket Sledges Ever What is sledging in cricket? Sledging is a term used in cricket to describe the practice whereby some players seek to gain an advantage by insulting or verbally intimidating the opposing player. The purpose is to try to weaken the opponent's concentration, thereby causing them to make mistakes or underperform. Ian Chappell to Derek Underwood: England slow left-arm bowler Derek Underwood was hit on the hand while batting. Ian Chappell surprised Underwood with his concern. Chappell: How's the hand, which one was it? Underwood: It was my right. Chappell: That's a shame. We were aiming for the left. Ian Botham to Rodney Hogg: As Rodney Hogg bowled to Ian Botham, he lost his balance and fell at the England player's feet. Botham: I know you think I'm great Hoggy, but no need to get down on your knees. Glenn McGrath to Michael Atherton: Australia's Glenn McGrath tried out an old Australian classic on England captain Michael Atherton, who fell for it hook, line and sinker. McGrath: Athers, it would help if you got rid of the shit at the end of your bat. Atherton looks at the bottom of his bat. McGrath: No, No, the other end. Merv Hughes to Graham Gooch: Hughes had sent several fast deliveries whistling past Graham Gooch, before dispatching the following verbal knockout punch. Hughes: I'll get you a fu***** piano you Pommie poofta. Let's see if you can play that. Dennis Lillee to Mike Gatting: There's no easier target for a joke than an overweight man, as Dennis Lillee proved with the former England captain Mike Gatting. Lillee: Hell, Gatt, move out of the way, I can't see the stumps. Bill Woodfull to Douglas Jardine: In the infamous 'Bodyline' series, prim and proper England captain Douglas Jardine complained to Australian captain Bill Woodfull, having just been sworn at. Jardine: Your slip just swore at me. Woodfull: All right, which one of you b*stards called this b*stard a b*stard? Phil Tufnell to The Umpire: An angry Phil Tufnell took his frustration out on the umpire after his appeal against Dean Jones was turned down. Tufnell: Are you bloody blind? Umpire: I beg your pardon? Tufnell: Are you fu***** deaf as well? Michael Atherton to Ian Healey: Michael Atherton had the perfect reply for Ian Healy when accused of cheating. Healey: You're a fu***** cheat. Atherton: When in Rome dear boy... Ian Botham to Rodney Marsh: As Ian Botham prepared to bat, Aussie wicket keeper Rodney Marsh decided to put him off and was metaphorically smashed out of the ground. Marsh: So, how's your wife and my kids? Botham: The wife's fine - the kids are retarded. Javed Miandad to Merv Hughes: Javed Miandad called Hughes a fat bus conductor during a match. A few balls later, Hughes dismissed Miandad. Hughes: 'Tickets please' as he ran past the departing batsman. Daryll Cullinan to Shane Warne: Cullinan was well known as being a bit of a bunny to Warne's bowling. The 2 hadn't played each other in some time so when Cullinan walked out to bat, Warne couldn't resist heckling him: "I've been waiting two years for another chance at you". Cullinan got him back with a ripper: "Looks like you spent it eating..." Fred Trueman to Raman Subba Row: Trueman was bowling and induced an edge to first slip but the ball went between Raman Subba Row's legs. The fieldsman apologised. Row: Sorry, Fred. I should've kept my legs together. Trueman: So, should your mother.
  4. Why is b always cool……Because it’s between ac.
  5. What do envelopes say when you lick them……Nothing, it shuts them up!
  6. There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn’t they get wet……It wasn’t raining!
  7. I’m looking for a new personal trainer……The last one didn’t work out.
  8. Don't take life seriously……Nobody gets out alive anyways.
  9. uk666

    Canary Contest

    Canary Contest Jim strolls into the paint section of B&Q and walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-coloured paint," he says. "Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?" "My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win." "Well, you can't do that, Man!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!" "No, they won't," Jim replies. "Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten quid your parakeet dies if you try to paint him." "You're on!" says Jim. Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten pounds on the counter in front of the clerk. "So, the paint killed your bird?" "Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
  10. A Lawyer And honest Man A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked: "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said" "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man."