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uk666 last won the day on June 20

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About uk666

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    Hole of Horcum
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  1. The woman & the frog A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.” The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!” The woman said, “That’s okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world.” The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.” So, KAZAN-she’s the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.” The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.” So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered “I’d like a mild heart attack.”
  2. uk666

    Women Think That…

    Women Think That… Men are like...Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you. Men are like...Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like...Vacations. They never seem to be long enough. Men are like...Bank Machines. Once they withdraw, they lose interest. Men are like...Weather. Nothing can be done to change them. Men are like...Blenders. You need one, but you are not sure why. Men are like...Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long. Men are like...Commercials. You cannot believe a word they say. Men are like...Department Stores. Their clothes are always half off. Men are like...Government bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like...Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. Men are like...Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like...Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Men are like...Snowstorms. You never know when they are coming or how long it will last. Men are like...Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright. Men are like...Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
  3. Which Switch Puzzle You have just purchased a giant mansion with a wine cellar in the basement. On the main floor, next to the staircase, are 3 light switches that control light bulbs in different parts of the house. You would like to know which one turns on the light in the wine cellar. How can you determine which light switch is wired to the wine cellar by making a SINGLE trip to the basement and nowhere else? You can do whatever you like with the switches, but once you go down into the wine cellar you need to know for sure which switch is for the wine cellar. Note that this is not a trick question. You are alone in the house, the wiring is hidden behind the wall, and the rooms controlled by the three switches are not visible from where you are standing. The solution is strictly in the manipulation of the light switches. Hint Answer Did you solve the puzzle? Was it easy? Tell us in the section below!
  4. uk666

    Pregnancy Q&A

    Pregnancy Q&A Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs? A: Yes, but you will have an even better chance if he does not wear anything at all. Q: Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat? A: Yes, but the baby would be very funny looking. Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant? A: Have sex once a year. Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better. Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true? A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip. Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? A: Yes, your bladder. Q: Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I can’t go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? A: Depends on what you’re doing with them. Q: What is a chastity belt? A: A labour-saving device. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My blood type is O-positive and my husband’s is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive? A: Then the game is up. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: Cause you’re fatter than they are. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational. A: So what’s your question? Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labour? A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman. Q: What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold? A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him. Q: How long is the average woman in labour? A: Whatever she says divided by two. Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Does labour cause haemorrhoids? A: Labour causes anything you want to blame it for. Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised? A: When it’s a girl, for starters. Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk? A: In your breasts. Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? A: Yes, baby lips. Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. Q: How does one sanitize nipples? A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan. Q: What are the terrible twos? A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey. Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A: When you see teeth marks. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly. Q: Nannies aren’t cheap are they? A: Not usually, but occasionally you’ll find a floozy. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.
  5. uk666

    Dog Proverbs

    Dog Proverbs 1. Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies. • Gene Hill 2. In dog years, I am dead. • Unknown 3. Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. • Dave Barry 4. The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage. • Danish Proverb 5. Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. • Groucho Marx. 6. The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch. • Michael Friedman 7. To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. • Aldous Huxley 8. Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives. • Sue Murphy 9. Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog? • Unknown 10. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. • Unknown 11. I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. • August Strindberg 12. No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. • Fran Lebowitz 13. Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth. • Anne Tyler 14. I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. • Rita Rudner 15. My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money. • Joe Weinstein 16. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. • Unknown 17. If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. • James Thurber 18. You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. • Nora Ephron 19. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. • Ann Landers 20. Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. • Robert A. Heinlein 21. In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. • Dereke Bruce 22. There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. • Ben Williams 23. When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. • Edward Abbey 24. Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. • Unknown 25. No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. • Christopher Morley 26. A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. • Josh Billings 27. Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. • Holbrook Jackson 28. The average dog is a nicer person than the average person is. • Andrew A. Rooney 29. He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion. • Unknown 30. Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. • Mark Twain 31. I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it. • Abraham Lincoln 32. Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail. • Josh Billings 33. The best thing about a man is his dog. • French Proverb 34. The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. • Anonymous 35. The dogs came and licked his sores. • Luke 16:2 36. Dogs like to obey. It gives them security. • James Herriot 37. Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative. • Mordecai Siegal 38. It is fatal to let any dog know that he is funny, for he immediately looses his head and starts hamming it up. • P.G. Woodehouse 39. If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. • Will Rogers 40. Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often, continued in the next yard. • Dave Barry 41. Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. • Franklin P. Jones 42. If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. • Unknown 43. I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl. • Penny Ward Moser 44. A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. • Robert Benchley 45. We give dog’s time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. In return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. • M. Facklam
  6. uk666

    Fourth Husband

    Fourth Husband A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the Fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."