uk666 5,298 Report post Posted September 9, 2018 Hilarious Quotes About Men The male is a domestic animal, which if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper Men don't get cellulite. God just might be a man. - Rita Rudner The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts. - Conan O’Brien Ikea stores now have a place for wives to park their husbands while they shop. It’s called Man Land. They also give the wives a buzzer to remind them to pick up their men before they leave. - Unknown Author What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? “Hold my purse.” - Francois Morency Guys do not get enough credit for being domestic. This is because the people who give OUT the credits for being domestic are - not to generalize or anything - women. - Dave Barry Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. - Rita Rudner Men...are reluctant to share our feelings, in large part because we often don’t have any. - Dave Barry I don’t mind men who kiss and tell. I need all the publicity I can get. - Ruth Buzzi Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. - Rita Rudner I like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign. - Mae West Women like silent men. They think they’re listening. - Marcel Achard Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. - Jerry Seinfeld Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. - Groucho Marx I snore at night, so I bought a bunch of those Breathe Right Strips for my wife to shove in her ears. - Guy Endore-Kaiser Every man over forty is a scoundrel. - George Bernard Shaw Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. - Jimmy Shubert One of the reasons ballet is so popular is that for two hours men can watch lovely women who never say a word. - Unknown Author Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else. - Mae West All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his. - Oscar Wilde The more I see of men, the more I like dogs. - Madame de Stael In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life. - George Best Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead. - Lucille Ball A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. - Rita Rudner Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. - Rita Rudner To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior." - Rita Rudner There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner. - J. O'Rourke Men are merely a genetic experiment run by women. - Seth Shostak, SETI astronomer Women want mediocre men, and men are working to be as mediocre as possible. - Margaret Mead I once heard two women going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. - Emo Philips There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld When women go wrong, men go right after them. - Mae West The thing that women have to realize is that way down deep, men are really shallow. - Dave Barry Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. - Jean Kerr The simple truth is that guys have this overpowering urge to watch stuff fall and crash. If you ever see an inappropriate object, such as a piano, hurtling toward the earth from a great height, you can be virtually certain that guys are responsible. - Dave Barry Men are superior to women. For one thing, men can urinate from a speeding car. - Will Durst Women look in a mirror, and no matter what they look like in real life, they always think they look worse. Guys look in a mirror and think they look substantially better than they are. No matter how much of a three-toed knuckle dragger a guy is, he figures he’s four or five sit-ups away from being in the hot tub with Elle McPherson - Richard Jeni Women are the most powerful magnet in the universe. All men are cheap metal. And we know where north is. - Larry Miller In a perfect world, no man, including the husband, would ever be invited to a baby shower. - Jason Love Men: Do not ever, for any reason, sing while using a public urinal. This is a RULE. - Dave Barry At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the late seventies. - P. G. Wodehouse Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. - Rita Rudner Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there. - Scott Adams A man bears the same relationship to a woman as a multiple choice test does to an essay exam. - Mardy Grothe A real man can never own enough things that require AC adapters. - Dave Barry When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elaine Boosler Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, “Are we going to have sex again?” He said, “Yes, but not with each other.” - Rita Rudner A girl told me that if you talk to a man about himself, he will listen for hours. She said something else but I'd stopped listening. - Kelkulus @Kelkulus Men are not listening to you if the TV is on. They will nod, smile, and pretend to understand you to get rid of you, but they’ve not heard a word you said. Unless you’ve said the word “sex.” - Janet Periat Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999-follow women. - Groucho Marx It's gotta be weird, stuffing money into a stripper's bikini when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it. - Jimmy Fallon, on Prince William's bachelor party 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites