Hilarious Quotes About Men

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Hilarious Quotes About Men

The male is a domestic animal, which if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things.
- Jilly Cooper

Men don't get cellulite. God just might be a man.
- Rita Rudner

The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts. 
- Conan O’Brien

Ikea stores now have a place for wives to park their husbands while they shop. It’s called Man Land. They also give the wives a buzzer to remind them to pick up their men before they leave.
- Unknown Author

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? “Hold my purse.”
- Francois Morency

Guys do not get enough credit for being domestic. This is because the people who give OUT the credits for being domestic are - not to generalize or anything - women.
- Dave Barry

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
- Rita Rudner

Men...are reluctant to share our feelings, in large part because we often don’t have any.
- Dave Barry

I don’t mind men who kiss and tell. I need all the publicity I can get.
- Ruth Buzzi

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
- Rita Rudner

I like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.
- Mae West

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.
- Marcel Achard

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
- Jerry Seinfeld

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
- Groucho Marx

I snore at night, so I bought a bunch of those Breathe Right Strips for my wife to shove in her ears.
- Guy Endore-Kaiser

Every man over forty is a scoundrel.
- George Bernard Shaw

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
- Jimmy Shubert

One of the reasons ballet is so popular is that for two hours men can watch lovely women who never say a word.
- Unknown Author

Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.
- Mae West

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
- Oscar Wilde

The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.
- Madame de Stael

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
- George Best

Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.
- Lucille Ball 

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
- Rita Rudner

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
- Rita Rudner

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."
- Rita Rudner

There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner.
- J. O'Rourke

Men are merely a genetic experiment run by women.
- Seth Shostak, SETI astronomer

Women want mediocre men, and men are working to be as mediocre as possible.
- Margaret Mead

I once heard two women going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
- Emo Philips

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
- Jerry Seinfeld

When women go wrong, men go right after them.
- Mae West

The thing that women have to realize is that way down deep, men are really shallow.
- Dave Barry

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
- Jean Kerr

The simple truth is that guys have this overpowering urge to watch stuff fall and crash. If you ever see an inappropriate object, such as a piano, hurtling toward the earth from a great height, you can be virtually certain that guys are responsible.
- Dave Barry

Men are superior to women. For one thing, men can urinate from a speeding car.
- Will Durst

Women look in a mirror, and no matter what they look like in real life, they always think they look worse. Guys look in a mirror and think they look substantially better than they are. No matter how much of a three-toed knuckle dragger a guy is, he figures he’s four or five sit-ups away from being in the hot tub with Elle McPherson
- Richard Jeni

Women are the most powerful magnet in the universe. All men are cheap metal. And we know where north is.
- Larry Miller

In a perfect world, no man, including the husband, would ever be invited to a baby shower.
- Jason Love

Men: Do not ever, for any reason, sing while using a public urinal. This is a RULE.
- Dave Barry

At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the late seventies.
- P. G. Wodehouse

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
- Rita Rudner

Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there.
- Scott Adams

A man bears the same relationship to a woman as a multiple choice test does to an essay exam.
- Mardy Grothe

A real man can never own enough things that require AC adapters.
- Dave Barry

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
- Elaine Boosler

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, “Are we going to have sex again?” He said, “Yes, but not with each other.”
- Rita Rudner

A girl told me that if you talk to a man about himself, he will listen for hours. She said something else but I'd stopped listening.
- Kelkulus @Kelkulus

Men are not listening to you if the TV is on. They will nod, smile, and pretend to understand you to get rid of you, but they’ve not heard a word you said. Unless you’ve said the word “sex.”
- Janet Periat

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999-follow women.
- Groucho Marx

It's gotta be weird, stuffing money into a stripper's bikini when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it.
- Jimmy Fallon, on Prince William's bachelor party