Alternative Definitions 2

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Alternative Definitions 2

1. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. 
2. A Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read. 
3. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. 
4. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. 
5. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later. 
6. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and meet to decide that nothing can be done together. 
7. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. 
8. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
9. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes. 
10. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either. 
11. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead. 
12. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after. 
13. A Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.  
14.  Coffee: a person who is coughed upon. 
15. Flabbergasted: appalled over how much weight you have gained. 
16. Abdicate: to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 
17. Esplanade: to attempt an explanation while drunk. 
18. Willy-nilly: impotent.
19. Negligent: describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. 
20. Lymph: to walk with a lisp. 
21. Flatulence: the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 
22. Balderdash: a rapidly receding hairline. 
23. Testicle: a humorous question on an exam. 
24. Rectitude: the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist*, immediately before the doctor examines you. 
25. Circumvent: the opening in the front of boxer shorts. 
26. Megahertz: A lot of pain.
27. Hebrew: Strong beer.
28. Polynesia: Loss of memory in parrots.

*A proctologist: a doctor specialising in problems of the Rectum.